A Loving Relationship: You Can Have It

In her book The Practice of Prayer, Margaret Guenther uses Ephesians 4:15-16 to discuss how to build a praying community. As it turns out, it also directs us on how to build a marriage that evokes love.

Ephesians 4:15-16 (NIV)

¹⁵Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. ¹⁶ From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

The cornerstone of a relationship that grows in love is to speak the truth in love. It is difficult to do, but it is the necessary component. A clear understanding of love opens to us the meaning of the phrase, speaking the truth in love. Recall Scripture's description of love:

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

Speaking the truth in love reflects each partner's growth within the relationship; not as he wishes her to be, nor as she wishes him to be, but as Scripture calls us to be towards each other. The landscape of the relationship is free from control, manipulation, and anger, and in it, rudeness finds no life. When partners speak the truth in love, the health of the relationship is primal. "I" is never the focus, it's "we", "us", or "you"; also never "me".

In the face of human nature, this is no easy task. So, how can a couple evolve such a relationship against the strong forces of our selfish nature?
Three utterances provide the partners the ability to control their selfish natures, thereby opening them to the oneness they seek. These three utterances embody the requirements in Ephesians 4:15-16. The first utterance is I love you.

Relationships are fluid. Throughout a relationship, there are instances when one partner is spiritually up and the other is spiritually down. At these times, a compassionate whisper of I love you by the up-partner to the down-partner yields its maximum effect. It strengthens the relationship's supporting ligaments by affirming the down-partner's importance to the relationship.

The second utterance is I am sorry. No one is perfect. Confessing one's mistakes to a loving partner empowers each partner and it kindles a new vitality to the relationship. When admitting a mistake, the confessing partner subjugates his pride. And through admittance, he asks not to be taken from his partner's presence and requests continuation of his partner's love.

Under this condition, the job of the loving partner is to practice mercy. A proper reception of I am sorry forces a compassion from the merciful partner to destroy all record of the grievance and continue the relationship with a new hope. Each has grown, one through subjugating self, and the other through forgiving and showing patience.

The final utterance is I need your help. Self-sufficiency is stressed as a valued attribute in our society. As children, many were taught that a mature person does not ask for help. But in a relationship built on speaking the truth in love, it is a call to strengthen some of the relationship's supporting ligaments. With it, the requesting partner announces I believe the relationship is in jeopardy because I have a weakness. He requests, "Sustain me as we work to remove the damaging fissure." From the requesting partner's cry for help, a process is initiated that begins to eliminate the weakness. With his partner's help, the requesting partner and the relationship grow. Further, the request for help honors the receiving partner, for his trust has been valued and his wisdom has been solicited. Now the relationship grows, as the problem is being resolved.

Partners, who are not able to speak these utterances, fail to prepare their relationship for life's storms. If the couple has received professional help and wishes to grow in a spiritual union such a relationship awaits it. First, the partners must do their jobs by committing to work for this kind of relationship; as hard as the participants of a 12-step program commits to its program. And finally in the right spirit, they must embrace these three utterances. The travails to the relationship will not end, but the relationship's resilience will grow the committed partners to oneness. Try it, and experience the love.