A Mathematical Analysis of Wilt the Stilt

Each day more and more women come forward to claim they once held the job of being Tiger Woods' personal ball washer. Tiger is no different than a majority of professional athletes who spend a lot of time on the road constantly receiving offers from beautiful women. Because of this, it's no coincidence that the divorce rate of professional athletes is higher than that of ordinary, everyday, boring people like you and me. That's why some athletes like Derek Jeter decide to stay single and enjoy the benefits of being rich and famous without carrying the guilt of cheating on the old ball-and-chain. But Tiger is married and so his exploits have become front page news.

As impressive as Woods' extracurricular activities appear to be, somewhere Wilt Chamberlain is shaking his head and asking, "That's all you got?" The Tiger list is now at ten and will undoubtedly grow higher, but years ago Chamberlain-the only man to score 100 points in an NBA basketball game-claimed to have slam-dunked no less than 20,000 women in his life. Like Jeter, Wilt was a lifelong bachelor and never had to worry about the possible repercussions of being stupid enough to leave voice mail and text messages. He was just a guy having a good time. The number 20,000 may seem awfully inflated, but keep in mind that at 7 feet tall, Wilt was without a doubt well-endowed. Throw in fame and lots of money and it's not that difficult for a guy like Chamberlain to lure women into his cave.

Still, 20,000 women is a staggering number. If a man was to have sex with a different woman a day for 20,000 days it would take him nearly 55 years to complete the task. That's without taking a single day off! Since Chamberlain died at the age of 63, he would have had to have started his lady-loving career at the tender age of eight. So it seems Wilt must have been scoring triple-doubles on a pretty regular basis in order to have hit the coveted 20k mark.*

According to legend, Wilt regularly engaged in sessions with two or more women. So let's assume Chamberlain averaged just two ladies a day. That brings it down to a far more manageable 27 years of sex. That would actually give the big guy an occasional breather and an opportunity to let Little Wilt rest. Three a day? We're talking 18 fun-filled years and still enough time to also hone his basketball skills.

But how much time did Wilt the Stilt spend actually having sex with all these ladies? We're talking actual down-and-dirty action-not kissing and rubbing and all that other crap-the real deal. Obviously, there is no way of knowing for sure, but let's suppose Chamberlain was a "Wham bam, Thank you Ma'am" kind of guy (in order to fit that many women into his busy schedule, it seems a pretty safe bet Wilt wasn't Mr. Sensitive with a real concern about making sure his ladies were happily pleasured.). For the average man in a fully excited state-and not giving a crap about whether or not his woman is experiencing any pleasure-a couple minutes is probably a sufficient amount of time to reach the Promised Land. But keep in mind that Wilt was doing two or three ladies at a crack (pun intended) so despite his eagerness to get the job done, there was a numbness factor which increased the amount of time spent on each subsequent session.

Fortunately, I am a bit of a mathematical genius and have put together a couple of formulas to determine the average amount of time a man would spend with each woman in your standard 3-woman orgy. Once we determine that average, we can get an idea of how much time Wilt actually spent having sex with his 20,000 gal pals.

The numbness factor can be determined using the Numbness Factor formula:

Quickie Minutes times pi divided by 2 or:

(QM * π) / 2.

Why pi you ask? Because a number of formulas I remember seeing in high school math had pi in them, so it must be pretty damn important. Anyway, assuming a quickie takes about 3 minutes, let's plug 3 into our formula as a value for QM along with the value of pi, which for some reason is 3.14--no one knows why--and see what we get.

(3 * 3.14) / 2 = 4.71

Now we'll figure out the average time spent on each woman by using the Average Time formula:

Quickie Minutes times Number of Women plus Numbness Factor times Subsequent Women divided by Number of Women or:

((QM * NW) + (NF *SW)) / NW

Let's plug the Numbness Factor (4.71) along with Quickie Minutes (3) Number of Women (3) and Subsequent Women (2) into the Average Time formula, and see what we get:

((3 * 3) + (4.71 * 2)) / 3 = 6.14

So in a standard 3-woman orgy, you're averaging 6.14 minutes per lady. Do that 20,000 times and you've been having sex for 122,800 minutes or 2,046 hours! Divide that by 24 hours and you've spent more than 85 days drilling for oil. And that's if you're an insensitive prick. A nice guy who really cares about his woman and will think about his fantasy football team and global warming and shit like that in order to hold off as long as he can would likely double or triple his time. But let's face it, to rack up a total of 20,000 conquests the Wilt-monster couldn't afford to be a nice guy and was undoubtedly trying to get it over with as soon as possible so he could move on to another lovely lass. So as far-fetched as Wilt's claims may seem, my formulas show it is indeed possible to have sex with 20,000 women.

Now let's hope Tiger has no intention of trying to catch the great Wilt Chamberlain.

He'd never survive all those car accidents.

* For readers who are not familiar with basketball, a triple-double refers to the extraordinary feat of hitting double digits in three different categories within a single game (e.g. 10 or more points, 10 or more rebounds and 10 or more assists). See how I cleverly used this basketball terminology as a metaphor for a basketball player having multiple sex partners in a single day? That's why I'm the writer and you're the reader.