A Memo to Hollywood: Ten Ideas to Help Change the Face of Tinseltown

Oh Hollywood. Remember the good old days? Back when you'd crush young girl's dreams but looked so glamorous doing it that no one really complained? Well those days are gone. These days everyone's angry and upset with you. Watch dog groups feel as though you're a den of iniquity while others feel you haven't pushed the boundaries far enough. Will you ever please everyone? It'll be hard but with these simple tips to follow we might restore Hollywood's tarnished image yet.

1) First things first: stop referring to yourself as The Industry. It's arrogant and obnoxious. It's about as presumptuous as San Francisco terming itself "The City by the Bay". I can think of a million other cities by a bay. I can also think of a million other industries, like shipping, publishing, fashion…okay, maybe not a million but a lot. So stop it!

2) You must make sure Kevin Federline never works again. I know what you're thinking. After the divorce and selling a measly 6,000 albums in his debut week, who exactly is clamoring to work with the guy? But you just know someone's going to try and cash in on the kitsch factor. Hollywood, if you're doing your job right he should get as many book and television deals as O.J.

3) It's been almost a whole year and we still don't have another gay cowboy movie. What gives? I mean seriously, Brokeback Mountain may have been snubbed by the Oscars for Best Picture in lieu of Crash but outraging folks like Jerry Falwell was the real prize.

4) Which brings me to my next bit of advice: stop making movies like Crash. If you want to deal with your white guilt (and Hollywood's done enough to deserve its share), could you at least do it with a better script? How about one that contains subtlety and some semblance of reality? I mean the good reality too. Not like the kind we see on television.

5) Let's pretend today is opposite day. Now cast a sitcom about an overweight woman and her hot, good-looking husband.

6) NBC we really need to talk. I know you're really struggling right now and I really hate to kick someone when they're down but it just has to be said. When you start relying on John "Uncle Jesse" Stamos to keep E.R. alive it's time, bad pun aside, to pull the plug. I know the show has run for three millenniums (it feels like it anyway) and it's doing well in the ratings again but we're seriously about five minutes away from a Dave Coulier guest spot.

7) Punish Michael Richards for his inexcusable racist behavior at the Laugh Factory last week. I mean really make him suffer and feel the humility he no doubt inflicted on those comedy club patrons. Give him another show on NBC. (That's the last dig Peacock Network. I promise.)

8) Remember when Lance Bass wanted to go up into space with the Russians? Well how about you start your own space exploration program? Then put Paris Hilton on it. Then lose track of it. I guarantee you the outrage will be minimal at best.

9) Make sure Stephen Colbert wins the Emmy next year. While his "I can't believe I lost to Barry Manilow" rants have been hysterical it's really an injustice that must be righted. Oh and give comedian Amy Sedaris one too just for the hell of it. She hasn't done anything to warrant one this television season but you know she'd give the greatest speech the Emmys have ever witnessed.

10) If you're going to provide us with celebrity feuds can you at least give us something more riveting than Clay Aiken and Kelly Ripa? I suppose Tom Cruise can't find the time in his busy schedule right now to belittle someone for our amusement. I remember when the big stars used to care about the fans.