A Military Wife's Take on Living with a Soldier with PTSD

We can all remember the day our spouse returned from Iraq or Afghanistan, the happiness and joy was unsurmountable. Rushing out to meet them as they exited the airplane or bus, our hearts soared, it was almost like falling in love all over again. Our feelings and emotions were high on that day, as everyone was so happy and relieved to see their loved one once again safe at home.

After the many parties and celebrations, everyone begins to settle in to the norms of family life, getting back to their jobs and the responsibilities of running a household and caring for children.

It is then, that the ugly monster rears his ugly head and we realize that our loved one didn't come home the same, no in fact he brought back with him something not familiar to us and we don't know how to handle it.

At first, we only see small glimpses of it in isolation, fits of anger, sadness, but we explain it as readjusting and tell ourselves that they will get better as time goes on. We should just be patient and give them time.

But they don't get better, they only get worse. In fact, they are not readjusting to being at home well at all. We have noticed that during sleep they toss and turn, yell out or mumble. They have started drinking alcohol and/or doing drugs in excessive amounts. Maybe they were casual users prior to deployment, but now they live and breathe for it.

Arguments and fights have now become a daily occurrence and we have seen our children and ourselves begin to change as well. Our loved one chooses to just sit in front of the television, or alone and they have lost their job so fiances have come to the critical point.

Sound familiar? So what do we do? Do we stay in our marriage or do we leave, hoping that our absence will trigger in them a sudden desire to get back on their feet and to seek medical help. We tried everything possible but they just won't talk to us about it. They won't talk to anyone about it and at times they deny that anything is wrong.

Okay, this is what is going on with them. It is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, it has also been called battle fatigue and shell shock. The reason that you can not get them to recognize that they have a problem is because they see themselves as invincible. This is the attitude the military has given them. They have been taught to know that the rigors of battle will be tough, but the are too and will be able to tolerate it, adjust to it's demands and still come out a tough son - of - a - gun, ready for more.

The attitude here is that it is only the weak that exit war with emotional problems. it will be these individuals that have no place in the military, and war just weeds them out.

Nice attitude, huh? Too bad it isn't at all true. It has nothing to do with strength or weakness, it has to do with the fact that as soldiers you are still human beings. As human beings, we are only emotionally capable of with standing just so much. We are not wired to experience the high amounts of fear and anxiety that accompanies war.

As for, "do we leave them," I can't make that decision for you. But I can tell you that leaving is only going to intensify the situation. Try to get them to go talk to a doctor, the family physician at first. They will get them headed in the right direction. If you are still in the military and stationed on Post/Base then talk to someone within their Unit that they are close to and ask them to help with the situation. Most Units have been taught now to recognize the signs and symptoms of what is occurring with soldiers returning from war.

It is important to be there for them. When they sit alone they are trying to process all that they have experienced. Sit quietly with them. Don't touch them, just sit and as time passes he will start to reach out to you and talk a little bit about what he experienced. is feeling thinking or believing about himself and his life. But, just listen, don't question him about events. He just needs to feel that you are there for him and have an interest in what has happened to him. He just needs to be heard. He just needs to know that as his spouse you can be trusted with inner thoughts, fears and confusions of what he experienced or what he is experiencing at that moment.

Combat has not only affected your loved one, but also everything in their life, everybody they know, everybody that cares about them. That is why it is imperative that they have full and complete understanding of combat and what has happened to them. To do that they need to seek counseling or be involved in support groups with individuals that can identify with what they have experienced.

At times when you are alone, tell them just how proud of them you are. Let them know how amazing you find it that they have endured so much and are still the man that they love. Encourage them, support them, and most of all listen to them.

Okay, I have just spoke to you as the Social Worker that I am, now let me speak to you as a wife of a soldier that is experiencing PTSD.

I was just so foolish to believe that I as a Social Worker, prior service myself, deployed to Kuwait in the 1990's and also leader of the Family Readiness Group for my husbands Unit, that I would be able to help not only myself, but all that needed it when our loved ones returned from Iraq. I thought I had the skills needed to get through this.

In reality, I was so so naive and stupid to the actuality of it all. Trust me when I tell you that it has not at all been easy. For any of you that is experiencing it now, you know what I am talking about.

I met my husband at Ft. Stewart, GA where we were both stationed. I thought we had a relationship that could endure anything. I thought this because we had gone through so much in the beginning that we only learned to depend on each other even more. I thought this because I had been a soldier too, so thought I understood what it meant and what it consisted of.

What I didn't understand, was just how ugly this monster called PTSD really is. What I didn't understand was the emotional turmoil my husband was experiencing. What I have had a hard time understanding was how the man I trusted and depended on could come home so broken.

PTSD is a thief, it robbed my husband of his desire to experience life. It took from us our home, which we lost to foreclosure, our finances, which we lost because my husband was also injured over there and can not work at the same occupation as he did, and our security, because losing everything we knew about life was now gone.

Yes, I have had moments when I wonder if I should walk away and start all over without him. Of course I am going to think that way, I am just as frightened about my life as my husband is. We all need security,we all need support. I have been awaken to something that is huge and cumbersome that shakes the very foundation of what I had always thought to be real.

Don't give up, you can get through this. There is a process that will help. He needs counseling, you need counseling, the children need counseling and you meed marriage and family counseling. A lot, I know, but important to getting things back to almost what you knew. It will never be exactly like it was. It won't because, he's not the same and you are not the same. But it can become tolerable and you can re-learn to live a life with security and trust again.

Life is like a cog with all these teeth on it. In order for it to work all the teeth have to be in place. If just one tooth is missing then then the whole thing comes to a stop and the machine falls apart. Fix the cog, you fix the machine. Life is the cog, every apect of life is the teeth in the cog and your relationship is the machine.

If you need to talk, email me. I am here for you to guide you and support you or to just listen. I value you and understand what you are going through. As military wives, we all pull together and help. Maybe you can help me too. I need you as much as you need me.