A Mother Surviving the Loss of Her Only Child to Suicide

Suicide is defined, in The Scribner-Bantan English Dictionary, as 1 "the act of intentionally taking one's own life", 2 "person who commits suicide", 3 "ruin of one's own interests". No where does it reference violence, pain, suffering or any other such verbiage. As if such an act were without consequence to anyone other than the one "committing" suicide, the definition reveals nothing more than fact.

On Friday, June 30, 2006, I received the most horrific news of my life. Such news should never be delivered via telephone, but how else was I to be notified from over a thousand miles away. My only son, Jason, had in a drunken stupor, taken a nine millimeter pistol to his head and pulled the trigger. The wound was massive and fatal, and my life was instantly catapulted into a state of indescribable shock, followed by insurmountable grief.

Nearly fifteen months later, after months of intensive and individual therapy, a million tears, dozens of poems, journal rantings, ramblings and blog posts, I still have so many unanswered questions. The one that forever haunts my sleep and invades my peace, is what was he thinking at the time of his death?

In dreams, I have seen the events leading up to Jason's death, in varying scenarios, with graphic details and have even witnessed his ascension into a Heavenly being. In the early days following Jason's untimely death, my Catholic upbringing made me question whether he would be welcome in Heaven, which provoked many feelings of fear and even made me question my already tenuous faith. I have since come to terms with the sanction of his soul and have accepted, whole-heartedly, that he is with God and is His favorite mischievous child. I believe there is an eternal bond between a mother and child that can never be broken, and my deepest instinct tells me that Jason is well and happy in the Hereafter.

As I continue to recover from the horrific events of June 30, 2006, it is evident that I have unwittingly become an advocate for all survivors of suicide. In a million years, if someone had told me I would one day be walking this lonely and loathsome path to surviving suicide, I would never have believed it. In fact, I had never considered the enormity of the number of deaths occurring by suicide until it became part of my reality. This past year and three months has seen me researching suicide, communicating with other survivors and accepting and offering support within several small online communitiies of suicide survivors.

Statistics targeting deaths by suicide are staggering. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, in 2004, there were 32,439 deaths by suicide in the United States. Amounting to 88.6 per day, deaths by suicide accounted for 1.4 percent of all deaths in the United States. Taking it a little further, a death by suicide occurred every 16.2 minutes in the U.S. in 2004. The official report can be viewed on the American Association for Suicidology's website at www.suicidology.org, under statistics.

As a suicide survivor, grieving mother and freelance writer, I feel an obligation to let my voice be heard in protest of what has become an epidemic in this country and around the world. No one should ever have to suffer in silence with no other solution than to take their own life. No one should ever have to grieve the horrific loss of a loved one to suicide.

So many parents today have to live with the sorrow, shame and unanswered questions surrounding the suicide of a child. One thing most of the survivors I have communicated with over the last fifteen months share, is that they didn't see it coming. Signs were all around them, but whether it was that they could not comprehend the act of suicide or that they never thought it was a possibility for their loved one, is one of the questions that will remain unanswered for us all.

Some of the warning signs of someone contemplating suicide are as follows:

Hopeless thinking
Uncontrolled rage, anger or vengeful behavior
Taking extreme risks
Increased alcohol and/or drug consumption
Isolation and withdrawal
Anxiety and/or depression
Extreme Moodswings

I have heard from several parent survivors that soon before their loved one took their life, they seemed to have become more at peace and even happy. Having previously exhibited some or many of the signs mentioned above, they appeared to have made a complete turnaround. When death by suicide occurred, those surviving were left shocked, devastated and completely confused. Perhaps their loved ones had come to peace with what they were about to do and had reached a euphoric state of acceptance. The truth is, the survivors will never know, just as I will never know what my son's last thoughts were when he chose to die alone, locked in his bedroom with his stereo blasting heavy metal music.

If you are now suicidal, please see professional help immediately. At the very least, call a friend or loved one, and if you have no one to call, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1 800 273-TALK (8255). Suicide is never the solution. It is final, fatal and destroys not only your life but the lives of all those who love you.