A Mother's Spin on What It's like to Have a Child with Autism

My life with a child that has autism is extremely hard. Sometimes I tell myself, what on earth did I do that was so awful, to have my life turn out this way? I don't mean that in a good way either. I remember my life somewhat different before I was told I was pregnant. I was free, I worked and lived alone. I had new furniture and new clothes. I had a brand new car and a pretty carefree life. Now I am tired mostly, I had a great body and was super skinny. I have problems with my weight now. I can no longer wear a bikini.

I recently opened my drawer, the top one. The one I don't go in very often because of the fact that it remains a reminder of the days before my daughter. In that drawer of memories, I have a bikini, a couple of cute little tank tops and some short shorts. I might be able to get one leg in one of those now. It's kind of funny to think that, my life was like that not too long ago, eight and half years to be exact.

Don't get me wrong I love my daughter with all my heart, she is my sunshine. I just miss the days when my life was mine. I miss the days that I could stay late at my boyfriends, and stay at a friends house on the weekends. I could stay up really late at night and sleep in the next morning. I could disappear for a few days and didn't have to answer to anyone, and people didn't necessarily miss me either. Nine years ago if you were to tell me that I was going to be a mother, I would have told you, that you were crazy, even sick and to stay away from me. I didn't like kids, and did not want to be a mother. I didn't think I would have a whiny kid holding onto me until my body hurt. I would be cleaning someone else's, snotty, runny nose. Cold's consistently, and late night emergency room visits.

Most days I don't go to bed on time, and there are days that I don't take a shower. My clothes aren't as nice as they used to be. I'm not a skinny size six anymore, oh my, what in the world is a size six? I don't even know. I don't wear make up anymore, unless I go out. That is not all too often. I always told myself that I would never let that happen to me, and I have.

I go to the grocery store and my daughter has awful tantrums, we can't go out to eat at a restaurant for fear that we will be thrown out, because she has decided she is going to throw an olive in the ladies hair sitting next to us. She hasn't gotten her haircut in over six months because she is scared to death if someone touches her. She has never been to the dentist because I have not found a dentist who will treat her. She must have things consistent daily. She isn't outgoing at all. She prefers to be on her own. I have to buy her new pants every few weeks because she is constantly on the floor, crawling around. She makes holes in the knees of her jeans. We go through shoes in the same manner, just being worn out from her crawling on the floor and acting like a cat. I have sat in parent teacher meetings and have cried because teachers don't understand that my daughter is different. I have been frowned and looked down upon, because people refuse to educate themselves on autism.

I am so happy to have my daughter in my life and I wouldn't change it at all, I just sometimes think back to my life before my daughter. I have decided that my life is full now. My daughter is my angel. She has allowed me to see things differently in my life. I have grown in so many ways since she has entered my life. I now realize that my life was empty back then. My daughter has taught me to listen and be patient and to slow down, to look at things through my daughter's eyes. It isn't about me anymore, and that is okay. Life is funny sometimes. It really has a way of biting you in the ass to wake you up. I am a different person now, I believe in myself. I care about others, and different causes that affect me in ways that I cannot explain. I am committed to help raise Autism Awareness and educating others. I also write; something I never thought I could do. My daughter's disorder has changed more in my life than I realize. I thought it was a curse at first, but it has been a blessing. I am fortunate, that God thought I was strong enough to put her in my life.