A Movie Cliche for Every Type of Movie and Every Occasion

Modern movies are becoming more and more formulaic it appears. Cliché ridden storylines. Plots with holes larger than the Grand Canyon propelling ludicrously stereotyped characters through predictable scenarios. Perhaps there is a Cliché bible that some of today's modern movie makers are referring to when making these films. Here are some excerpts from this imaginary little black book.

Animal cliché: Dogs should be cute, preferably in a Benji kind of way. For thrillers they should be given as a gift to the heroine early on in the movie and then come a cropper (see: Die) within approx. the first 15 minutes of the movie.

Cute kid cliché: Be sure that all male children under 10 have a pudding-bowl haircut (in accordance with 70's Disney guidelines). They must also possess dimples and smile with insane glee at the drop of the hat.

Erotic cliché: In sex scenes, the couple (or trio, depending on what film you're watching) should be able to make love without the man ever seemingly taking his pants off.

Bad guy cliché: Bad guys should have either Russian/English/South African or Deep South accents. Their gang should be made up of middle-class businessmen.

Car cliché: A hero or heroine with a quirky character is required to drive around in a preferably brightly colored Volkswagen beetle in order to show off their zany personality.

Doh! Cliché: When coming across a dead body the main character should always turn over the body pull out any offending article (say a knife) and hold it up in full view of the general public, thus assuring him/her as the prime suspect.

Flashbacks cliché: Ahh, gone are the days when movies could use a multitude of Vietnam flashbacks to show the hero's torment. 30 + years on and that skirmish is too far back for most of today's stars to use. However, fret thee not my tiny children, now we can make use of the Iraqi conflict(s) with new improved and much easier to film dusty flashbacks (Either filmed in the Arizona deserts or your nearest sand-pit).

Zombie Cliché: This has switched around from the slow meandering zombies of old who had a hard time outrunning their bowel movements to the latest craze for super fast zombies who strangely possess the ability to sprint like a national relay squad once they have either died or as in '28 days & weeks later' been contaminated. This begs the question: Why are we all faster dead than when we're alive?

Monster Science Fiction films cliché: The Military should be portrayed as incredibly daft yet highly imaginative in their plans to either take over the world (for no apparent reason) or develop new unlikely species of monstrous hybrids for use as weaponry. The monsters once created should be caged in an underground cell, protected by only a single guard who will make witty quips, smoke a stubby cigarette, listen to his IPod and torment the Monster (Basically everything a uniformed man of the military would be court-martialed for) before standing too close to the monsters cage thus ensuring a sudden demise and the monsters early escape.

Racial Stereotyping cliché: A funny black character may be introduced in a Horror movie as long as it is remembered that he be dispatched approx ½ way into the film. However a black man, or perhaps as the Studios might put it, 'A man of color' can avoid a hideous death in Horror films if he makes constant references to actually BEING the sole black man (re: man of color) in the movie.

Sports cliché: In sports the slow motion cliché is absolutely essential when depicting that last heroic and highly emotional last surge run for the tape ala. Chariots of Fire or that amazing sporting feat such as occurs in 'The Natural' when Robert Redford knocks the skin off the baseball in that memorable (although unlikely) sporting scene.

Emotional farewell cliché: When waving goodbye to each other at the airport, family members, lovers, long-lost acquaintances etc., whether they be on the ground (either in the Airport Terminal or on the tarmac) or actually airborne in the actual plane taking off should attain an almost supernatural visual clarity. Alternately waving manically, blowing kisses, catching kisses or even mouthing sweet nothings such as 'Love you 'or 'Call me' when the plane is clearly thousands of feet off the ground.

Accents cliché: British Actors should fake American accents and American actors should fake British accents because god forbid that anyone play their natural nationality.

Asian Horror cliché: No modern Japan or Korean flick can seemingly be made without the addition of a long dark haired 'Sadako' type mute with a whiter than white face. Only the 'Ring' and 'Ju-On' ever really pulled off this scary image successfully and someone needs to tell these countries to stop. It is an image that has been ingrained in their culture for many many years but c'mon.... enough already.

Action cliché: Ruthless hit-men, professionally trained government spies and assassins, evil terrorists, out of retirement army veterans, security and body-guards should all resort to overly-elaborate martial arts moves instead of just shooting their nemesis...is..is!?. If being attacked by numerous foes, each of the assailants will wait patiently for their turn to be either beaten senseless, see: 'Enter the Dragon' or sliced in two (or three or four) see 'Blade'. If there is to be a fight between just 2 main antagonists then each should spend approximately ½ the fight coming up with funny quips or overly-lengthy explanations of how the other is going to die.

So there you have it, just a brief selection from a book that may or may not exist offering a cliché for just about every occasion. Judging by the amount of by-the-numbers movies that exist I think this dog-eared book is being abused and over-used.