A Perfect 10: My Own Commandments

According to most folks, God gave us a list of ten rules that we are supposed to follow so that we can move on to level 2 of this neat little video game he made up for us. We are told that these rules-commandments they call them-are absolute, meaning you damn well better do what they say or risk burning in hell for eternity! Ah yes, God loves us.

Of course, no one actually follows them. I mean who doesn't lie, steal, or covet the soccer mom living next door? And "Thou Shalt Not Kill"? I've been able to keep that commandment so far, but I can't make any promises. If I come home early from work, walk into the bedroom and find the gardener busy watering my wife's shrubbery, what am I supposed to do? Buy the son-of-a-bitch a drink?

If you take the time to actually think about them, it seems likely the Ten Commandments are nothing more than a pile of made up crap hastily thrown together by a bunch of crazy control freaks. So I have pretty much tossed the Ten Commandments aside and replaced them with my own set of rules. Without these commandments, it is unlikely I would be the happy, healthy, well-adjusted individual I am today.

Thou shalt not watch Dirty Dancing ever again

Sat through this piece of crap once and vowed I would never do it again. I actually become violently ill anytime I think of what are easily the dumbest words ever uttered in film history: "Nobody puts Baby in a corner."

Thou shalt not poop in public restrooms

I'll risk an impacted bowel before I ever rest my hindquarters on a toilet seat that has seen more asses than an NRA meeting.

Thou shalt not leave fingerprints at the scene of a crime

This one is just good sense.

Thou shalt not forward emails to ten of my friends within five minutes or else I'll have bad luck, blah, blah, blah

I hate those goddamn emails!

Thou shalt attend church every Sunday

Just kidding about this one. I haven't attended church since I was told I was going to hell for touching my winkie.

Thou shalt not dance in public

I'm white. Need I say more?

Thou shalt always make fun of Republicans

One of my favorite pastimes, it's always fun to take pot shots at these bumbling stooges. And it's just so easy to do. George W. Bush, Larry Craig and Sarah Palin-the Moe, Larry and Curly of politics.

Thou shalt not run a marathon

Gotta admit it. This commandment's been very easy to keep.

Thou shalt not stalk Jennifer Aniston

The restraining order pretty much takes care of this one.

Thou shalt always question authority

I was stopped the other night for a traffic violation and asked the police officer what the square root of 144 is. He responded, "Twelve." I asked him if he could name all the members of the U.S. Supreme Court. He rattled them off without hesitation. Then the officer recited, almost word-for-word, The Declaration of Independence. As I drove away, I realized that questioning authority can be very educational.

So there you have it; a complete set of practical rules that have helped get me through this wild joyride we call life. Feel free to use them for yourself, or go ahead and live by the ones from the Bible. But remember, if God had actually given us commandments, there'd likely be just one, and it would say:

Thou shalt stop pretending you know what the hell I want!