A Personal Assessment Before Reinventing Myself Again

I got old. It happened when I wasn't looking. Old is something that claims the years of others - not my years. I don't know how I expected to avoid it but I was sure I would. I could never imagine myself not being agile or having wrinkles or feeling stiff when I stand up from the couch. But I do. Though I hope to be around for many more years I actually realize that the world could go on without me. It's quite chilling.

I never had much interest in old people. I think I didn't want to connect myself in any way to the elderly. Even though I took care of my mother for the last few years of her life I was able to ignore the fact that she was over 80 because she was a truly beautiful woman who was majestic up to the moment of her death. She was never an old lady. She had blonde hair and porcelain skin. I don't.

Dad died when he was just a few years older than I am now. He aged quickly and suddenly and looked years older than he was when he passed. I take after him and his side of the family. Mom's family all lived into their 80's. Dad's family dies in their 60's. My dearest cousin passed at 56. Breast cancer.

I don't come from a family of particularly brave people. I guess you don't have to be brave to die. But it would be nice if you were. I've never been especially brave. I thought I might get braver as I aged. But I haven't.

My life is not very interesting or unique. I'm materialistic enough to believe that people with money have opportunities for fuller, more diverse life experiences. If I had more money I would stop working and travel. The problem is I don't have anyone to travel with. My next regret - never having met my prince.

Because of my chosen profession as a psychotherapist I have helped countless people live happier, fuller lives. And seeing the pain and conflict that so many people live with every day has helped me to appreciate the simplicity of my life. But I wouldn't have minded if a little conflict had gotten my blood moving a little faster.

Luckily I am not dying just yet. I'm at a place of personal assessment and reinvention. I've retreated but hope to come out swinging. I always wanted to change the world and I still do. My legacy will be left with my writing.

My father was a very successful writer and I never wanted to compete. But I bet he would approve of my decision to take the things I have learned and put them to paper. His books remain long after his demise. He left a legacy and a nice income for my mother for the rest of her life. I appreciate him more now, 25 years after his death, than I ever did during his life.

One phase ends and another begins. Lately I find I like old people.