A Place I Can Only Afford to Stay at Once - for Several Reasons

In August I traveled back to the area where I grew up, seacoast New Hampshire. I needed to take care of some personal business, see some friends, and wanted to visit my parent's gravesite. I haven't been back in several years and I'm old school enough to feel the pilgrimage to pay my respects to my parents in person is warranted now and then. Besides, I don't want to take the chance that my mother will have something to nag me about in the afterlife.

Although I have generous standing offers from friends and relatives still in the area for a free night's lodging, I decided to treat myself and do a review at the same time. So I made a reservation at a premium national chain hotel near the river because of its reputation, which I have only heard second-hand and its location - which I know is outstanding.

The hotel sits directly across from the Piscataqua River, easily accessible from Interestate 95 and within walking distance of all the downtown Portsmouth attractions that make the city a popular tourist stop. The Saturday evening I was there I went to the center of town, called "Market Square". I was treated to a free live music concert of cajun swing. In addition that night there was a live outdoor performance of "Oliver" at Prescott Park, another venue right on the river in a lovely outdoor setting. So a variety of indoor and outdoor entertainment is available for both children and adults.

Check in was easy enough, although the desk clerk was the fastest speaker this side of the Mississippi. I've been a hyped-up Yankee all my life, but even I had to ask this young woman to slow down. So she made more of a pause between words, but still spoke the words just as quickly. Anyone coming in from the south or overseas may likely leave and try another hotel where they speak English. Either that or grab a translator from the sidewalk outside the hotel.

I was given my room key, mini-bar key and directed to the elevators. No amenities or attractions of any kind were mentioned to me at check-in. Because this is considered "peak" season, I paid a peak season rate and expected a landslide of brochures shoved my way to "take advantage of all the area has to offer". Also, I did expect at least some kind of snack offering or a reminder of free coffee in the morning. Nada. Oh there was a sloppy lemonade pitcher and a few glasses on a table near the door in the lobby, but no sign, no attendee, no help. It's at times like this that I wonder if I were a man alone or had a man with me would I have gotten more attention? I was not wearing my mink stole, but I was dressed business casual. Who knows? So I scheleped my own single bag up to my room and downed the first beverage I could grab out of the mini-bar.

The parking situation is unique. The hotel is designed in the round with a large open "courtyard". It looks lovely, but the courtyard is only a circular asphalt driveway with an entrance to underground parking. There is no roof or covering of any kind - even at the main entry to the hotel. So if you are a slow poke getting out of your car, you will be exposed to whatever mode of weather is dominant at the time. Now if this hotel were in southern California or Arizona, the design would make sense. However, in New England, where even in summer precipitation of many kinds and high winds could happen anytime, this design - well - 'tis folly.

They do have an underground parking space, at an additional fee. There is valet parking, for an additional fee. Since I was already paying twice what I normally would for a room, I opted to park myself in the lot across the road. Walking back to the courtyard is not too bad, even if you are towing your own bags, depending on how "chi chi" you want to pretend to be. However, when you leave it could be snowing. Hey, this is New England.

The room was lovely, generously furnished with new, attractive items. It was immaculate, except for a bit of dust, and was decorated with top quality accoutrements. Sound was an issue, not from next door, but from the hallway. The couple across from me were arguing every time they entered or exited their room (which was frequently) and they let their door slam every time. But there were no gun shots or piercing screams so I guess it turned out okay.

The other room detail I found odd was that only the light filtering curtains closed all the way. The room darkening curtains were stationary at a wide open stance. I checked for hidden cameras and surmised that as a cost savings, they figured the 4th floor was high enough to let people on the street enjoy the naked silouhettes of the guests. But what if I did not want the sun streaming into my room the second it broke dawn over the horizon? Luckily it was overcast the next morning.

There were the usual compliment of "toiletries" including a hairdryer, iron, ironing board, coffee maker, fully stocked mini-bar, free wireless broadband internet (a very nice perk) and plenty of cups and glasses. There was a small but heated indoor pool available and a very clean fitness room. There was a mysterious "CL" level - or club level, but no description or enticement anywhere as to what that was or how you could qualify for it.

I was immediately signed up for their SPG plan. But again, no explanation was given except to call the front desk anytime since there was a person on duty 24/7. Since I has no idea what that was - I was tempted to wait until 3am (I'm an insomniac) and call the front desk and ask agonizingly slow questions about the CL level and non-associated other items. Sorry - sometimes I can't help thinking with the teenage part of my brain.

There did not appear to be any kind of complimentary breakfast. If there was, they were doing a darn good job of hiding it. I found that especially odd because even the most economical (cheap) places I've stayed offer you coffee and donuts in the morning. I did see people walking out of the dining area with plates piled high with food, but there was no indication from the front desk or any signage in the room or anywhere else to indicate who it was for or if it was free or paid. No - I'm not the kind who steals the towels, sheets, blankets and glasses out of the rooms. I just really thought such a fancy place would have some perks other than the internet. (Which was the whole point of me booking in there).

There was the obligatory "book" in the room that is supposed to list all the amenities in the hotel and the area - but it was sparse at best. Not even a list of local churches was provided. From my perspective, this hotel missed a prime marketing opportunity to upsell guests on other accomodations, specials, offers, etc. The last page on mine was torn out and sitting there. Hotel Stationary was non-existent. There was one pen on the desk. But the desk space was very generous and sturdy. The room layout was lovely and spacious. The beds, touted as "sweet sleepers" were quite comfortable with plenty of pillows (a pet peeve of mine) nicely fluffed.

The TV functioned fine except I found it extremely odd that it did not swivel or turn at all. I was in a room with two double beds. The TV was comfortably viewable from only one. Now that isn't a make or break deal for me since I was alone, but I could see siblings battling it out to the death for who gets to watch from the "prime" viewable bed. With the number of glasses in the room one would believe the hotel expected partying. So if you were planning a room full to view a movie, I guess you just have to hand out tickets ahead of time for the grownups with "sitting" times.

Remember the parking situation? At checkout, it was raining moderately but steadily. The front desk clerk (who made a math error on my bill which I had to point out and ask for a change) suggested that I "run now before it gets worse". Run? Did she say "run"?

Should a guest who has paid top dollar for one night in an exclusive hotel be told to "run" for it? I was on my way to a casual party, but nontheless, I had spent extra time on a spiffy hairdo. There was no offer of an umbrella lend/rental or valet service due to the conditions. No other suggestions were made. I wish my 83 year old mother had been with me. If I had turned to her and told her she had to run in her skirt and heels, in the rain, through the courtyard across the street and through the lot dragging her own bag behind her. Well, the image of that alone made me laugh for ten minutes, but she would have climbed over the front desk and beaten the young women behind it to a pulp.

But my mother was not there so I "ran", bags in tow, my less than slim body bobbing and weaving through the courtyard trying to avoid bumping into other running guests and cars. I couldn't help but think that I might bump into someone, fall to ground and see my underwear spill out onto the wet pavement. I needed to wash it anyway.....so I could just add soap.