A Post Office Autism Tantrum

THE CHARACTERS:

Cal - Age: 4 1/2. Blond. Child with Autism.

Mom - Age: old. Bottle blond-ish. A bit tired, stressed and distracted from other events of the day.

Post office Patty - Age: old. Big hair. Big boned. One speed = S.L.O.W.

Naples Nancy - Age: old. Perfectly coifed hair, nails and toes. Spotless designer clothes. May have at one point reared children. Likely the kind who never made a mess, never spoke out of turn, never failed to be anything but polite. At least not unless with the nanny.

ACT 1:

SCENE 1:Cal and Mom arrive at the post office with Dad's international ebay packages. Cal marches right in to the auto teller where they "always" go in the evenings. Mom says, "no, we need to go to the counter since these packages go International." There is absolutely no tone in her voice suggesting that Dad could have run this particular damn errand himself. No tone at old.

SCENE 2: Cal starts to realize they aren't doing things the "usual" way and sees a golden opportunity to run down between the post office boxes so Mom can chase him. Chase is a most excellent game to this particular child. Mom is less enthusiastic about the game and insists that hand holding is the preferred method of moving from point A to Point B. Meanwhile Cal is turning, twisting, falling on the ground, clawing at the hand restraining him and generally engaging in any and all escapist activity. Mom prevails but realizes there is no way she can possibly hold on to said child while completing post office paperwork. However since paperwork is not out, she must wait in line for it.

SCENE 3: Enter Post-office Patty (POP). Trying to be helpful, POP ignores Mom's request for "one white and one green custom form please plus a form for Global Priority." Instead POP is leaning over the counter to say hello to Cal. "Hi there guy. What's your name?" No response comes for the child continuing escape maneuvers that are now causing cramps in mom's hands. "How old are you?" POP continues oblivious to the child who isn't interested, the mom growing impatient and the cleavage showing through the shirt with the popped button. "He's kind of having a bad day," Mom remarks. I need the forms and I'll go fill them out and come back." Blank stare from POP. Mom repeats, "there are no customs forms in the lobby today - do you have a couple?" Finally POP hands Mom the cards.

SCENE 4: As Cal and Mom leave the post office, Cal is successful in an escape. He runs through the lobby, activates the auto doors and Mom's seeing visions of a run out into the parking lot. Mom dashes and snags the back of his shirt in the nick of time. At eye level, Mom sternly lectures, "Cal you CANNOT run from mommy in the store. It is dangerous." Cal laughs. Mom continues, "Look at my face. This is NOT a happy face. You cannot run." Mom grabs Cal's hand as he falls to the floor. Mom picks him up and together they approach the car.

SCENE 5: A quiet Cal sits in his car seat in his space content. Mom sits in the front seat and completes the paperwork. Fade out as mom leans her head back with the realization that they must complete the whole process over again.

INTERMISSION.

ACT 2

SCENE 1: Mom puts on her best cheery voice and says, "okay buddy, we're going to try again. Can you please be a big boy and help mommy send daddy's packages? You need to stay with me and hold my hand. We only have three things so it won't take long." (aside: even the four and a half year old knows that is a lie.)

SCENE 2: Upon entering the post office, Cal immediately begins to melt. This wasn't a happy place 5 minutes ago and it isn't a happy place now. Mom seriously considers leaving but the packages must be shipped and she's off for the afternoon and doesn't have time in a jam-packed Friday at work. They must persevere. Cal just thinks about how much the place sucks and lays down on the ground. Mom reaches down to pick him up balancing three packages to mail, forms and a purse. Cal doesn't want to make it easy and tries to throw himself backward. Only Mom realizes that she almost dropped him right on his head. The stern, 'NO!' was probably too loud but likely justified.

SCENE 3: Waiting in line Mom sets the seemingly 300-pound child on the counter. Child happily maneuvers to the edge and pushes himself off. Then proceeds to start climbing back up. Appropriate? No. Okay with mom given everything else that's been going on? Yup. Up walks Naples Nancy (NN) with her nose high in the air. The first look says it all. No child of hers would be climbing on the counter at the post office. In spite of herself, Mom feels the guilt and judgment that oozes from every pore that remains following the three face lifts NN has had.

SCENE 4: Mom and child make it to the front of the line and since Mom's guardian angel seems about as on-duty as the stupid CapitalOne angel, they again have the privilege of arriving back with Post-Office Patty. "This one goes Global Priority and here's the custom slip" Mom says as she sits Cal on the counter. Cal reaches over, grabs the paperwork and flings it on the ground. Throwing things on the ground from high is nearly as much fun as chase. Mom's stern, "that is not nice" is met with giggles from the child for whom cause and effect and emotion are still far-away concepts. Cal's level of understanding is evident by his reaching over, finding a brochure on the counter and winging that to the ground . . .right at the feet of Naples Nancy at the next teller over. The look of disgust on her face says volumes.

SCENE 5: Post-office Patty, one package down and two to go is looking for something. Mom wants to scream from the delay but figures it's all part of the process. POP returns with a sticker for Cal. The boy who is alternating between sitting on the counter looking for things to throw down and standing trying to escape mom's deathgrip on the ground. Mom tries to keep her voice even when she says, "he really doesn't need a sticker - he doesn't really like them. Thank you though." She's thinking, "stop with the damn sticker and get these packages done before I lose it and scream at this kid." Naples Nancy? Oh, she's completed mailing her one package to Buffy and walks by saying, "my grandson always loves the priority mail sticker he gets when he comes with me." Big f-in deal lady. Shut the f up and move along. No, Mom didn't say that. Mom said nothing. The fake smile was as good as it got. POP? Finally on the last package.

SCENE 6: Mom and child are done. Mom picks child up for a hug and child S.C.R.E.A.M.S. in her ear. A shrill scream of bent-up negative emotion that goes down the spine. Mom meets the negative emotion with her own and loudly yells, "NO SCREAMING" as they step outside. Instantly Mom thinks to herself, way to set a good example about self control.

SCENE 7: Cal's still screaming/crying as he gets in his car seat. He refuses to do the straps. Mom does them. Gets in the car and starts backing out. Cal reaches over, unlocks and opens his car door. Mom stops the car, moves the car seat to the middle of the back seat where he can't reach the door. She refuses to get him out to get the buckle through the seat and instead drives home with the car seat not strapped in the car at all. Mom figures it's better than an open car door. Cal screams most of the way home. Fade out on Cal at home going up the steps to Dad. Mom proceeds to a haircut appointment and out of sheer exhaustion gives up on the 8 months of "growing out" she's endured ending up with short, butch hair.