A Practical Guide to Clovis, New Mexico

Along life's journey, any young man or woman proudly serving in the United States Air Force might be forced to stop at the side of a long, dusty highway to take shelter in an old, dangerous- yet oddly comfortable ramshackle hut. We call that hut Clovis, New Mexico, and we are determined to make you feel welcome!

Your first stop will of course be the base itself, proudly known as Cannon Air Force Base, or just Cannon, to those in the community. According to the non-official website at http://www.cannonafb.us, Cannon occupies 13.8 square KM (5.3 square miles) of area. The base has a population of about 4,000 Air Force and civilian personnel. Cannon is conveniently located in the deserted center of a triangle comprised of Amarillo, Texas (104 miles from Cannon), Lubbock, Texas (115 miles), and Albuquerque, New Mexico (230 miles), giving visitors the perfect opportunity to get away from the hustle and bustle of big city life! Cannon boasts a hot, dry clime with plenty of wind to temper the heat and blow in that refreshing dairy air so famous to the area.

Cannon of course has an excellent base exchange for daily shopping. A bowling alley offers fun for all ages at a great price. Fast food restaurants like Burger King and Taco Bell help fuel a hungry airman. But most military personnel like to get away from base life now and then, and it is at those times that Clovis and her sister city, Portales, home of Eastern New Mexico University, really shine! The closest of the two burgs is Clovis, unofficial home of Cannon. When faced with the possibility of Cannon's closure a few years ago, Clovis citizens and businesses proudly pulled together with an "Operation: Keep Cannon" campaign that helped secure Cannon's (and, vicariously, Clovis') survival. Those signs everywhere certainly did the trick!

Clovis. Words cannot truly do justice when describing the- the entity, that is Clovis. That is the best way to describe Clovis. A living, breathing thing. Ever changing, always in motion, and yet somehow always the same in being. A mysterious being. A neighbor you've seen your whole life, but never talked to. What does that guy even do, you think to yourself. He could be a preacher or a rapist, for all I know. Or both. Who likes shopping? I know I do! And there are plenty of shopping opportunities in Clovis. A cruise down lovely, historic Main Street is the best way to start your Clovis shopping expedition. "Artists" from all over Eastern New Mexico regularly display and sell many fine pieces in the Main Arteri gallery, and especially in the Main Street Crafter's Mall. The Gold Rush Pawn Shop caters to the more frugal buyer. Tankersley's tailor shop for the men and the Bearly Used consignment shop for the women will keep couples happy and well dressed as they walk hand-in-hand down the rustic old street. Need a guitar? How about a pair of shoes? That's no problem! Tarpley Music, Randy's Shoes shoe store, and Dayhoff's Discount shoe store all manage to share the same block of historic downtown Clovis! Visit the cleverly named Main Street Barber Shop for a trim to go with those fancy new duds, while you're at it. Hungry? Wholey Cow Deli will make a sandwich to tame any appetite. Or try Sutton's Bakery for some fresh baked treats!

But wait, plan some time for the rest of Clovis! That's right, the fun doesn't stop on Main street. A short drive brings us to Prince Street, and all the wonderful stores and restaurants there. Kripple Kreek restaurant caters to the hidden klansman in all of us. For a more or less overtly white trash meal, try The Cotton Patch. Chili's is the place to go for a more laid-back dining experience with food and servers that actually make it a restaurant worth eating at. And you can get beer battered bottle caps at Taco Box just off Prince on 21st! After an innuendo-laden eating experience there, you might want to head over to Kelley's Bar and Grill for a drink, or more fine dining. Be sure to speak to all of the friendly regulars! But don't get so involved in the conversation that you forget to eat your lunch!

But what about activities for the kids? We aren't bad parents; we were forced to bring our children here, what can we do to make it easier on them? Glad you asked, proud parent! For the toddlers and preschoolers try Barbara Ann's day care center. Your kids will be watched and entertained in a Christian environment. Did I mention Clovis is at heart a fundamental Christian town? Well it is, so for the love of God, if you value your daughter's chastity, do not send her to Clovis Christian School. The teens can be left for a few hours every Wednesday night at the Oneighty youth service at FCFC on Norris and Llano. In this safe, Christian environment your teens can be molded into the young men and women you've always dreamed they would become. First they can learn the evils of drugs by smoking marijuana in the parking lot. Then, suitably intoxicated, it's party time! An excellent band plays all the latest Christian rock songs, closing with a slow power ballad about Love, deep inside of you, poured out on you. After tipping the band, your kids will hear a powerful message about the way to live a good, clean, Christian life while volunteers keep an eye out for gropers still caught up in "praise and worship". They will be reminded that no matter what they do, no matter how many times, they will be forgiven, so long as they keep coming back. And so they will come back next week. After the show, there is free pizza and cheap coffee and smoothies! Plus games! And basketball!!!

Still need to keep the kids occupied? That's ok, get ready for a short drive to Casel-Land amusement center! That's right, another Christian establishment catering to your kids! Miniature golf, go-karts, paddle-boats, and a batting cage will keep you and your youngsters busy all day! Bring plenty of sunblock! What's that? You forgot sunblock? HAHA! Silly goose, with the intensity of UV rays in Clovis, Mister Skin Cancer could be knocking at your door within months! Head on over to Wal-Mart on Prince. Don't forget to let an elderly employee put a little sticker on any of your own property that you bring into the store, as that same elderly employee and your Wal-Mart may assume that you are a craven thief when you leave with your own property that you paid for! I'm gettig sober now, so I'm just going to end this with please get me out of here and please never come here if you value your sanity.