A Practical Guide to Coming Out

If you're like me then coming out is probably going to be one of the most difficult, stressful and agonizing activities you'll ever do. Like most things in life though, there are understandable reasons why coming out is so difficult and once you understand why it is so challenging you can find ways to reduce that stress.

Why is it so hard?

You don't actually have to think too hard about this question to figure out the answers. First off, you never know how people are going to react to your announcement. While some might take finding out you're gay fairly well, others might decide after fining out that they don't want to have anything more to do with you or even worse. The fear of losing someone you care about can make anyone want to simply keep their mouth shut!

Secondly, coming out is not a one time thing. You don't flip a switch or make one announcement and then everyone knows your status; in fact, quite the opposite is true. Once you start coming out you will be telling people forever or at least until you run out of friends, family and coworkers.

Third, there is a strong cultural bias against being gay and coming out makes it essentially impossible to deny your true nature to yourself. That first time you tell someone else "Hey, guess what, I'm gay" you'll also be telling yourself and for some that can be very hard.

How do I make coming out easier?

Let's start with the third point first: admit it to yourself first. You know how you were always told bears can smell fear; well people can smell confusion and uncertainty. If you try to tell someone you're gay and you are not ready yet, they'll know and things will not go smoothly.

Now, to address our first point. You may never know for certain how someone is going to react to your announcement but some people are easier to guess then others. A good suggestion would be to have the first few people you tell be people you are fairly certain will take the news of your coming out fairly well. When I decided to come out as bisexual the first person I told was my best friend. I wasn't sure how he was going to take it but since he already had several close friends who were openly gay as well a gay couple living next door to him I was willing to bet he would take it pretty well. The second person I told was actually a woman who at the time was a fairly new friend of mine but I had found out through the grapevine her sister was a lesbian and since her and her sister were still close I figured it might be safe to tell her

(In case you want to know how those two encounters turned out. First, my best friend just chuckled at me and told me and I quote "I wondered if you were ever going to admit it." Second, my female friend was SUPER excited because it turned out she didn't have very many female friends that she could spend much time with and was very pleased to have someone to talk about guys with while my best friend and her husband talked about women.)

Lastly, dealing with the issue of the never ending cycle of coming out. Quite simply put, you don't have to come out to everyone right away. In fact, you don't have to come out to everyone ever. You get to choose who you tell and when. If you only want to tell two or three people right now, then do that. It's your life and your information you can decide what to do with it.

Final remarks

No matter what advice you receive about coming out or about being gay in general, nothing is going to make it easy. The best you can realistically hope for is advice that will make things easier.

Never forgot, no matter how you may feel you are not alone. There are people and groups who can help you with your problems but only if you ask for help. And please ask. I know its hard coming out and being open but I can tell you it feels a lot better then keeping your life a secret.