A Practical Look at the Life Lessons of Monopoly

From the time I was a child, I have played the Parker Brother's classic board game Monopoly^TM. At first glance, the game seems to offer some valuable life-lessons on spending, buying and selling, and the fickleness of the economy we live in. As I grew older, and property and wealth became important aspects of my life, I began to try to apply the lessons I learned in this game into my real life, with mixed results, most of them ludicrously unhelpful.

All of the names listed on properties in the game come from actual places in Atlantic City, New Jersey. For the sake of this piece, I traveled to Atlantic City, and set out on a journey to play a real life "game" of Monopoly, if you will. I learned much, most of it disturbing and unhelpful.

Let us begin where one must begin in the game: piece selection. Remember, you are picking out the one item to bring along that will aid you on your quest of wealth and land acquisition. Here, we will discover which pieces are aiding, which pieces are hindering, and which pieces are just downright ridiculous.

The Iron - Just downright ridiculous. It is a heavy, bulky iron that must be lugged around from place to place. The only possible advantages of carrying around an iron in Atlantic City are to use it as a weapon to threaten enemies with, or to iron shirts and slacks for important business and real estate transactions. I understand the importance of a clean, professional look in such meetings, but the iron offered here is of the 1930's variety, without an electrical cord or steam cleaning option. Pass.

The Shoe - Seemingly a good choice, as one who will be traveling around as much as we will be will surely need solid foot protection. However, on second thought, why only one shoe? If I am the kind of person that travels around wearing only one shoe in the first place, then I have bigger problems and should not be playing such a game. The only benefit to taking the shoe is if I were to already be wearing a pair, and bringing a third was in anticipation of one of them breaking; thus, the spare. A smart move, but pass.

The Thimble - Really? A thimble? No.

The Hat - Stylish, in the 1920's kind of way, but serves no real purpose other than to protect oneself from the sun. Pass for now, unless the sun happens to be unbearably bright on this particular day.

The Dog - A loyal, friendly, trusted companion. However, history has taught me that bringing pets on a quest for domination such as this is foolish and can only create problems. Pass.

The Wheelbarrow - Not a bad choice. Wheelbarrows can be used to carry not only building materials for houses and hotels, but also loads and loads of cash that will hopefully be accumulated on our journey. Consider it.

The Battleship - Although one cannot deny the sheer joy that driving a battleship around would bring, it seems that trying to navigate a ship of such dimensions through the paved streets of Atlantic City would be a difficult and time-consuming task. Unfortunately, pass.

The Car - Convertible, sports car, compact. What more could one ask for? It is the perfect piece.

Now that we have selected how we will be traveling throughout this community, we embark. Let us consider how the game begins. The best way that I can describe it is that each of the players runs around in a large circle, stopping at various landmarks and claiming them as our own. No problems there. That is how every country and territory must be acquired in real life. It must be earned. As the game proceeds, properties are bought and sold, deals are struck, and the economy begins to take shape.

Even after many hours of inhabiting this strange world, we still have learned very little about the societal body that rules us and commands our movements. We pay them occasional income taxes and sometimes have to pay electric bills, but they share little more with us. For example, by chance, we land on a property and are told to go somewhere else, say St. Charles Place. No harm there, aside from blind obedience to this unknown, controlling government. In fact, it's not a surprise that we play with cash, as chance seems to favor many of us and "banking errors" occur regularly.

If we do manage to survive for a while, we must begin to start our businesses. It seems that the only option we have in this town is to build houses, and then turn them into hotels. This is certainly an honorable profession, but the authorities in this town have made it less than glamorous. It seems that every house we buy is of the same make and model, with little to offer in aesthetic beauty.

At certain times, we get sent to jail for no apparent reason other than that we stopped in a certain area. You would think we were savvy enough to stop traveling to this area, but no, we are not. Not only are we sent to jail without a fair trial (or even Miranda rights), but while in jail, we are able to barter for a free pass to get us out. How convenient!

The most ridiculous part of this whole charade must be the one, constant, never-ending, semi-circular motion that we are making. We do not stray off path, we do not turn around, we do not move elsewhere; all we do is travel in one very large, very repetitive circle, repeating the same mistakes we made minutes before, paying the same outrageous prices at the same monotone red hotels we stayed at just seconds before, all the while being handed a crisp two hundred dollars every time we made the loop. Wouldn't the most intelligent thing to do be to just make a small and constant loop, collecting a never ending supply of two hundred dollar cash gifts?

All in all, I must say that this game did absolutely nothing to prepare me for what the real world would be like. Get out of jail free? Bank error in your favor: Collect $200? Four identical green houses shoved onto one tiny property? The real world is much more unbelievable than that.

Oh, and don't get too excited about what you found in the community chest. You were in a beauty pageant, and you won ten dollars. Oh, and you took second place.