A Preliminary Study on How Children Become Irritants During a Routine Phone Call

I sometimes wonder if there is a button in my ear that, when pressed by the receiver of a telephone, sends a frequency out that makes my children act like imbeciles. This is not a new phenomenon. I can vividly recall my mother exclaiming, "Why do you always have to act this way when I'm on the telephone?!" Now, it is me who wants to know the answer to that question.

Back when I was a kid, there was no VOIP or frugal long distance packages so that you could call all you wanted for one low price. My brother and I could get away with aggravating our mother if she was simply talking to a neighbor. But we had true fear in the two words that the children of today do not even understand: long distance. Really, I mean my kids would have absolutely no idea what that entails or the gravity of the trouble I would have gotten into had I dared to interrupt such a phone call. I talk to my mother, daily, who lives over 100 miles away. Back in the day this would have cost like fifty cents a minute or something.

My parents didn't usually make long distance calls, but occasionally, they had to phone my grandparents in the capital city thirty minutes away. For some reason it was ultra expensive to call inside the grand state of West Virginia. Before proceeding with the phone call, we would receive a stern warning, "I am about to call your grandma in Charleston. It is (gasp) long distance." Nothing more had to be said, generally, because we knew that long distance meant big money and would result in a severe punishment situation if we dared to open our mouths.

And if we lost our minds, temporarily, and piped up and started interrupting and arguing with one another, we may get one reminder that went something like this, "I am talking long distance." That was it...game over. We knew if we dared to push the envelope any further we would not be able to sit down for a while because a therapeutic intervention would take place.

My children? They have no concept of this and every phone call is an open opportunity for them to demonstrate to the person on the other end of the line what kind of idgits I'm raising. I thank my lucky stars every day for the inventor of the coveted mute button. Utilization of the mute button can offer high quality threats and reprimands without cuing in the other person that you do not have control over your children. All they hear is, (commotion in the background) "Yes, would you mind holding on for just a moment?....(silence)....thanks I appreciate you holding for me..."(sobbing and crying in the distant background). If you ever experience something like this while talking on the phone to a frazzled mom, you will know that the mute button has been used effectively.

I sometimes like to use my "private office" to have quiet phone conversations. This method can only be used if there is another parent home. I simply take my cordless telephone into the bathroom with me and lock the door. Instruct your spouse or significant other to deal harshly with anyone who knocks on the door and tries to communicate via yelling. Special care must be given to ignore the fingers and notes that are oftentimes slipped under the door. Teamwork is essential for this method to give you the most results.

Then there is simply scheduling your phone calls during nap time at the zoo. This is probably the least amount of hassle and yields excellent results. Imagine being able to hold an actual conversation without one single interruption. It's amazing! I don't believe that studies have been completed on this theory, but it's my belief that the frequencies sent out from the button in my ear do not affect the children when they are in full REM sleep. More research needs to be done on this and, perhaps, one-day scientists will be able to develop a way for adults to talk on the phone while their children are actually awake.

Hey...I can dare to dream, right?