A Quick Guide to "Starbucks Speak"

As Starbucks continues on its quest towards world coffee domination, it's almost a certainty that most of us will walk through their coffee scented doors during some point in our lives. When your time comes to step into their cozy coffee lair, you should be aware that you may find yourself in ear shot of attractive members of the opposite sex searching for a hip companion to share in some cappuccino colored conversation. As you approach the smiling barista at the counter to order, let's hope you brought your linguistic A-game, otherwise you'll be sipping your coffee alone surrounded by the warm glow of laptops and the cold reality of your un-hipness.

So to help you prevent a social catastrophe, let's start with the basics of "Starbucks speak" and then we can tackle some of the more intimidating adjectives used to describe that caffeine filled cup you so adore.

You have four sizes to choose from when it comes to Starbucks's drinks: Short, Tall, Grande, and Venti. At first glance, the cup sizes do seem a bit confusing and defy our conventional use of these words in the English language. Common logic would tell you that if you want a large drink you would order a tall, but in the Starbucks realm, a tall drink will only get you about 12 ounces of liquid. If you want the maximum amount of drink they offer, well then my thirsty friend, you'll have to go with the Venti.

"What the hell is a Venti anyway?" you ask.

Well, in keeping with the Italian-based Espresso culture that initially inspired Starbucks, they have adopted a few of their words into the menu. Words such as Venti, Macchiato, and Con Panna.

Now before you throw your hands up in disgust and go running for the nearest gas station "cappuccino" machine, remember what we talked about earlier: An articulate drink-orderer is an attractive drink-orderer. Hang in there, by the end of this article you'll effectively qualify as bi-lingual, and that virtually guarantees you extra points in the hip department.

So without delay, here's a quick explanation of those Italian words you're so scared of:

VENTI - (pronounced VIN - TEE) - is simply Italian for twenty, as in twenty ounces.

MACCHIATO- (pronounced MOCK - E - AW - TOE)- is Italian for spotted or marked. The Caramel and Espresso Macchiato drinks Starbucks offers are different because the espresso shots are put in last, after the milk and foam. The espresso shots in effect "mark" the foam.

CON PANNA- (pronounced CON-PAWN-A)- means "with cream" in Italian. This drink is basically just espresso shots topped with whipped cream.

There, was that so bad..? Don't you feel smarter and infinitely more hip..?

Let's move on to another stumbling block that some of you may have encountered in your coffee ordering careers: the use of the word Cappuccino.

The word is often mistakenly used at gas stations around the country when describing their push-button, machine-made drinks. My friends, these are not cappuccinos, they're hot water and powder masquerading as sophisticated Italian beverages. An undercover menace trying to undermine the coffee culture, they are impostors and must be dealt with and stripped of the namesake they falsely employ. True cappuccinos are espresso based drinks that are topped with steamed milk and a layer of dense foam... no more, no less.

If you happen upon a hot beverage pretending to be a cappuccino, do not hesitate, but immediately grab the suspect beverage and pour it on the ground. In cases where a "Cappuccino Enabler" is present (i.e. the person consuming a suspect beverage) you have the legal right to pour the drink upon said person.

Moving on, a close cousin to the cappuccino is the latte (pronounced LA-TAY). The latte differs from the cappuccino by containing more milk and less foam. By increasing the milk content, the intensity of the espresso is diminished slightly. Both of these drinks can be flavored with syrups such as Vanilla, Hazelnut, or Caramel to create a delicious drink experience.

Now that your brain is brimming with coffee knowledge, let's put the pieces together, place all the elements in proper order, and get that beverage you deserve. Starbucks's protocol for drink ordering and calling goes like this: Cup Size, Syrups, Milk, Custom Modifiers, and finally Drink Name. As an example, if I wanted to be perceived as hip while ordering my Latte, I would smile and say, "Hi.. gimmee a Venti, Hazelnut, Soy, Extra Foam, Latte."

Ahhhh... that sounds so sweet it's practically poetry.

Now it's your turn my friends, warm up those vocal cords, and prepare your lips for battle. You're time has come to step to the frontlines and speak with conviction and authority... Your drink is waiting.