A Rant on Apostrophe Abuse and Misuse

Is it my imagination that there are rules for using apostrophes? Am I the only one left on the planet who learned these (perhaps imaginary) rules? I live in ever increasing dread that due to constant abuse, misuse, and seemingly complete ignorance about proper apostrophe use, the (they're not imaginary, are they?) rules about apostrophes will be officially stricken from the grammar books as quaint and obsolete.

The apostrophe is such an exquisitely useful little gem. It's like a whole secret code coiled up in one tiny curve. The explicit and unambiguous rules for its use make it easy to convey your exact meaning whenever you employ the agile apostrophe. I'm showing single ownership here, and now I mean joint ownership. I'm leaving out some letters here. I'm doing fancy things with abbreviations. To see apostrophes flung about randomly is painful.

Here's my theory. At some point in the recent past, aliens did an experiment to test a new mind control device, which they are planning to use in one part of their elaborate plan to take over our planet. They needed a subtle test that wouldn't alarm people, yet which would have readily observable results, so they could be sure about whether or not their device was effective. Here's what they did: they sent out a mind control wave containing the conviction that, contrary to what we all learned in school, the plural of an everyday noun needs an apostrophe before the s. This conviction pulsed its way, unnoticed, into the American mind. (Maybe I was behind a lead wall?) Now our mini-mart advertises "Hot Pizza's" . Our variety store posts notices about this week's " Summer Special's". I cannot bring myself to look at the digital sign boards at the local schools, where such errors are especially egregious. "Way to Go, Bulldog's!" Newspapers, oh, oh, it's too depressing. Newspapers are supposed to be staffed with people who know how to use punctuation marks, aren't they? Many times I've been tempted to send a polite letter to the editor of this or that paper, not for publication, summarizing the rules for apostrophe use in simple language. They could make copies and have their writers tape them to their computer monitors.

But the prize-winning worst instance I have seen is a brass plaque inside a nearby high school. On the plaque, thanks are expressed to various people who donated money towards the building of the new school. The plaque reads: "We thank our sponsor's." It was put up in 1981, according to the date engraved on it, and hangs there, uncorrected, to this day. In a public high school. So anyway, we know the aliens did their experiment at least 26 years ago.

It may have been included in the original mind-control wave, or perhaps it was an unintended side effect, but no one now appears to know the difference between its and it's. Doesn't occur to the writer that it's means it is, and its is just a possessive pronoun. Okay, so this might be a little confusing, seeing as how other possessives need an apostrophe, but not possessive pronouns, see? His, hers, its. Simple. You add apostrophes to pronouns, you're making a contraction, usually with the word is. She's going crazy. He's oblivious. It's hopeless.

Don't worry, I'm winding down. One final lament. You want to make a sign to let us know who lives at your address. Or, possibly, you want us to know to whom the address belongs. Either way, that's great. Very informative. But if your family name is Compton, and more than one Compton lives at your house, you have two, not three choices. You can tell us that the Comptons live here. Or you can tell us that this is the Comptons' house (since it belongs to all of you). But if you make your sign say Compton's, you're telling us you live there alone. Or you weren't standing behind a lead wall at the right time.

Don't be confused and ignorant. Don't just mindlessly stick apostrophes here and there. Get a book. Every grammar text and handbook for writers has a tidy little section on apostrophes. Wouldn't you love to confuse the aliens?