A Redneck Love Letter To My Trailer Park Queen

I don't think that it will ever work, between you and I. I mean, I'm all for the give and take of a relationship, but I can only give so much without taking. It's like you don't even know what love is all about.

Don't you remember when I bought our dream home? It was all about us! I bargain shopped the market for the best government repossessed double wide trailer... for you! I even payed to have the wall-to-wall shag carpeting cleaned. I did it because I love you.

Did you forget about the time when I went hunting for the weekend and left you all of those empty Pabst Blue Ribbon cans for spending money? I didn't have to do that. You're such a goof ball, that's what I love about you. It's as if you don't realize that beer cans are like money...full of beer. I left you a full weeks worth of empties... because I love you.

I even let you use the backseat of my old Ford pick-up to store our lawn tools. To think that I let you put all those things in my truck while it was parked in the front yard for all the neighbors to see- and do we have one flower or plant to show for it? No! I let the damn grass grow around the truck to try to hide how embarrassing you are sometimes. But darn it, I can't stay mad at you.

When I accepted oral sex from your sister, it was because I love you. I don't know why you tried to poison me- she was just giving us an anniversary present. And by "us", I mean "me". Why do you have to be so selfish? Why can't you just be happy for me? I only did it because I love you.

And how can you forget the time when I spent all of my Camel Cash on your birthday present? I smoked three packs a day for a year to save up for those Camel sleeping bags and matching flannel hats. You haven't even used them yet. Sometimes I wonder if you even care. My sacrifice shows that I love you.

All I want you to do is to show that you love me. When I came home from the bar last week, dinner wasn't even ready. And I only hit you because I care! I want your time management and cooking skills to improve. I value you bettering yourself as a person. Why did you have to call the police? I tried to make a decision that would be good for US, and all you can think about is YOU. Tell them you fell down the stairs, I say. Nooooooooo, you reply, he hit me. I had to spend the night in jail, and all you got were some bruises and stupid stitches. I hit you to show that I love you.

That's why it will never work, you and I. I love you more than all the tractor tires in the world, and all you care about is yourself.

I am leaving you for my cousin.

Love always,

Your one and only Billy Jim