A Relationship of Embarrasment

From the time I was a little girl, I have known two things for sure. The first thing was, I wanted to be a wife. The second: a mother. My mom was a house wife and that was fine for her. But me, myself, I wanted that and so much more.

I have had boyfriends, and with each one, they had their quirks. I'm going to talk about the ones that taught me lessons.

The first relationship, I was older than he was. I was happy I had my first boyfriend. We had an off and on relationship for about 15 years.

He was quiet and wanted our relationship to be between only us. I didn't like it, but I figured, "Hey, what's the harm? He would feel different later." We never talked at school. We road the same bus, but never sat together like normal boyfriends and girlfriends. I was in a relationship and I was lonely and unfulfilled.

I felt like he was embarrassed to be seen with me. Afraid of what his friends may or may not say. It was a horrible feeling that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I talked to him about it. He said it was all in my mind. That he just didn't want people in our business.

I never received a gift from him in our whole 15 year on and off relationship, but when he got with other girls in our off time, I noticed a whole difference. It was okay for him to sit with her and talk to her and buy her gifts. I had hit an inevitable truth. He was embarrassed and he didn't love me. It was a relationship of convenience and it hurt on a much deeper level.

He only wanted to flash girls of a different race. I never saw him date too many girls of his own race. But even if he did, they even got more respect than me. I felt like, maybe I am not good enough. I was so caught up in trying to find out what was wrong so I could fix it. I thought if I lost weight, it would help. I thought if I did my hair differently, he would notice. But it was all a losing battle.

He just didn't love me or want me. I was an option, not a priority. And when I realized that. It was such a freeing moment. It took a lot for me to realize that when a man wants you, what nobody else says matters to them. If they love you, nothing can keep them from you.

I had even went as far as, moving from the state, because I couldn't bare seeing him. I knew and he knew that I loved him, and I would still be there for him as his option, if I stayed. I left my family and my friends and started over anew. Even when I visited and saw him, the feelings I had for him never changed.

When I finally moved back, I thought "Well, I know I'm an option, so no harm and no foul right?" Wrong. It made things even more difficult for me. I got caught up. I was in love. Head over heals. But this time there was no relationship, he had girlfriends and was dating and I was only with him.

Once again, I found myself alone and just wanted to be loved. How could I let this happen again? Not only was I an option, I was a last option. I would only see him when his other ladies were busy or he grew bored with them. I was putting my life at risk every time I got with him. He had multiple partners and I was just with him.

I didn't know who I was anymore. I had lost myself in a man and I didn't like it. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure out how to get out of this never ending battle. This love hate relationship. As much as I loved him, I think I grew to hate him that much more.

What I had to realize: people can only get away with what we let them. Don't ever play second best. You are not an option. You need to be a top priority. You deserve that respect.

And if you are the one who is stringing along some poor unsuspecting soul, and all they are to you is an option, put yourself in their place. What if it was you doing the loving and never got it returned? What if it was your mom? your dad? or even for some, your children?

We as people need to stop being an option and be a top priority.