A Report on Earth

To the Ultimate Commander of the Furball Army,

This is my report of Earth so far:

The planet's main asset is its bounty of salt water, making this an ideal place for our energy factories. I estimate at least a century worth of energy before our factories would run out of salt water again.

A good range of weather and environments occur on the planet, which will enable our people to colonize a variety of different living conditions. Tourists will also flock to the planet to see many of its strange natural features, not to mention many of the native animals.

Unfortunately, the planet does have many downfalls. The most noticeable is the giant concrete cities frequently occurring across the planet. The Earthlings obviously have not come to realize the inefficiencies of these cities, and have yet to move up to our level of sophistication. The buildings tower over the hard, cement streets, and block out the sun, constantly giving the inhabitants a foul mood. The vehicles blow smoke everywhere, hiding the sun's healing rays even more. Overall, the cities will need to be destroyed.

On the issues of the Earthlings: I find no real problems in eliminating them. I know that our policy is to enslave, not eradicate, but this is a rare exception. The Earthlings are profoundly moronic, not realizing many of their problems and how to fix them. Instead of trying to improve their unfortunate and sometimes horrible lives, they make shows to entertain each other. Perhaps this is their way to ignore their problems and pretend that things are better than they are, but they pay the Earthlings who are in these shows an incredible amount of Earth money. Why would they waste this money on people who obviously don't need it? Why not donate all of this excess money to the poor and needy? The Earthlings turn out to be very selfish, ignorant, and fleshy.

A word about their chemical make up: the Earthlings are unpractical. The only fur they have doesn't keep them warm, forcing them to make clothes so they won't die in the cold months. Even then, some don't wear enough clothing to cover their bodies. I have figured out from the Earthlings' shows that the less clothing they wear, the more desirable they will become to other Earthlings. An odd thing to base desirability on, but, nevertheless, it shows how unpractical they are.

The Earthlings have no natural defenses that I can detect. Their nails are short and breakable, their teeth aren't sharp, they can only smell very obvious scents, their hearing is unreliable, and their sight is horrible. Different types of firearms and vehicles are the only defenses that they have, along with a type of nuclear device. As you should know, any use of nuclear products is unwise and will slowly kill the planet.

Although I said that we will have no problem eliminating the Earthlings, I do advise doing it quickly. The planet has been warring against each other for a long period of time, as foolish as that sounds. Yes, the planet is not united, which has severely limited its progress. I have counted at least two wars that have involved many of the world's major powers, and, in my research, I have found that the Earthlings tend to be ruthless and somewhat creative in their fighting. They may try to do anything to destroy our prestigious army.

The governments of the planet are both good and bad. Several countries have adopted what they call 'democracy.' This means that the power is in the hands of the people. Odd, isn't it? Although the 'President' is called honest and trustworthy, I have found much corruption in the system, and have deemed it unpractical.

Another form of government is 'communism.' This is closer to our own government, since one ruler essentially controls everything. The governments of 'democracy' are usually appalled by this, and try to destroy it. I am sending several books about the wars over this problem, and I encourage you to read them. It can become quite fascinating.

I have found one race of creatures that is worth looking farther into. They have many similarities to us, and have the possibility of being an offshoot of our ancestors. I do believe that the Earthlings call them 'Felines' or 'Cats'. At first, I had mistaken them as our fellow people, but I quickly discovered that they are not as developed as we are. I believe that the Earthlings are prohibiting their growth. They keep the creatures as 'pets,' which doesn't allow them grow to their full potential. When we take over the planet, we should definitely free the 'Cats' from their slavery.

As a final note, I would like to thank you for sending me to this planet. I have had a wonderful time being a pet to a human family the last three months. I can only hope that the army will quickly deploy a regiment here, and that I will be going home quickly.

In the words of the Felines, "Meow!"

For another year of Rufus's glorious reign,

Lieutenant Commander Alfred Stripes