A Review of Happy Housewives, by Darla Shine

While I was hoping that Darla Shine's Happy Housewives might provide the much-needed pep talk to pull me up out of the doldrums and stress I had been feeling it, instead, caused me to feel an overwhelming sense of anger and frustration.

I was initially attracted to Happy Housewives, due to Ms. Shine's proclamation on the front cover that I could snap out of the vicious cycle of whining and misery and desperation. What I needed was a friend to assure me that, yes, being an at-home mom is difficult, but so is being a parent, in general. I needed her to gently wag her finger and say, now there has got to be a better solution than complaining all the time.

Although I believe the general intent of Ms. Shine's book, which is to support the role and position of an at-home mom, is genuine and good, those good intentions get lost amidst the seemingly never-ending sarcasm and insults. Ms. Shine calls on at-home moms to stand together, be supportive and understanding of each other. But, what about those at-home dads and moms who like to work just for the sake of working?

Once a highly-paid television producer, Ms. Shine left the workforce to be at home after the birth of her son. But instead of reaching out to both the at-home and working-mom lot, she clearly divides her attention and malevolently shuns those women who choose not to stay home. She believes "a woman's place is in the home," and has very little respect for women who think otherwise. On page 20 she claims, "Being at work fourteen hours a day is a breeze compared to being at home raising children. That is why so many women stay in their careers, because they just can't cut it. You have to be strong, confident, and selfless to be able to give up your career, give up your identity, give up a piece of yourself - all for your family's best interest."

And that's just the tip of the iceberg! Ms. Shine excuses her rudeness and insensitivity toward working mothers because, afterall, she was once one herself. One would think, however, having been on the opposite side of the fence, she might be a little more empathetic.

If you can get past Ms. Shine's obvious distaste for the working mother, you will note that her book is divided into ten easy steps, all designed to empower the at-home mom. Steps 1-3 are designed to give the reader the proverbial kick-in-the-butt, urging moms to stop whining, to realize that being home is the most important job, and to stop looking like a housewife. While I agree with Ms. Shine on these points, her acerbic tone is maddening. For instance, she talks a great deal concerning the at-home mom's plight with weight control. "If you're not stupid," she asserts, "you can lose weight and stay thin." Did she really just say that? Yes, it's right there, on page 39. One of my biggest complaints about Step 3, Stop Looking Like a Housewife, is the transition between her writing about healthy diets and looking nice, and the section's total nosedive into patient advocacy. What? I had to flip back, thinking I had skipped a few pages. Tacked onto the end of Step 3: Stop LookingLike a Housewife is a little section called Research It Yourself that deals with getting second opinions when visiting the doctor. Perhaps that was just the editor's mistake?

In Step 4, Ms. Shine talks about the importance of a healthy marriage. Again, I can agree that a healthy marriage is but one of the foundations needed to maintain a happy life and a well-adjusted brood. However, it seems apparent that Ms. Shine views her husband not as a partner in marriage, but as a tool she can manipulate to get exactly what she wants. Thinking of purchasing new dining-room furniture? All you have to do is have hot, steamy sex with your "hubby," and he'll be putty in your hands. Want a diamond ring? Well then, put on that lace nightie and get to work! Ms. Shine claims to be an "expert" on this, and I totally believe that she is an "expert" seductress and manipulator. She brags that she can get her husband to make the beds and do a few loads of laundry, all through the persuasion of sex. But guess what, Ms. Shine? My husband does all those things, and more! Why? It's because we are partners. It doesn't matter that my husband works and travels or that I am at home all day with the children. If there is a "job" to be done, he does it without my having to first promise a roll in the hay. He helps with household duties simply because they have to be done. Perhaps it is because Ms. Shine feels "men are babies," and that the only thing they are good for is providing her with the things she wants, is why her husband works from 5am-9pm. If I cheapened my husband's role in marriage and parenthood as much as Ms. Shine does, he might then begin to find excuses to work long hours, too.

Steps 5 and 6 call for bonding with your home and for getting back in the kitchen. I especially liked the part, slightly incongruent with the topic of the chapter, where she talks about allowing her children to play hooky from school, just because they want to, and lounge around all day watching movies and eating popcorn. Remind me not to solicit Ms. Shine's advice concerning obligations and responsibility. At least she did take her children to the American Museum of Natural History.

Back on topic, Ms. Shine offers the reader her daily schedule claiming that if they only just follow it, they can get everything accomplished too. And, according to her, don't even think about asking your husband to help out with the chores, because "it's your job anyway." Perhaps if you have the foresight to train your husband when you first get married, then, and only then, can you consider asking for his help. According to Ms. Shine, the one thing we at-home moms have is the house. "Even though our hubbies are paying for them, we know deep down that they're really ours."

Ms. Shine then goes on to offer a few novel recipes such as pancakes and French toast, and eggs. And just in case you don't know how to make pasta or Pigs in a Blanket, those recipes are covered, too. *To be fair, Ms. Shine does offer a few recipes that I might try, specifically the Struffoli*

Step 7 is all about keeping in touch with your girlfriends. Most importantly, says Ms. Shine, is to not be a bitch. However, on page 161, she practically admits that the only way to getting what you want it to "purposefully be bitchy." In her defense, Ms. Shine was upset about a dog that was being a bit of a nuisance during a child's birthday party and which her daughter was attending. But instead of politely asking the owner to remove the dog, she made a bitchy remark to no one in particular. After a few nasty looks from some of the other moms, one of them confronted her and said, "It's not what you said, it's how you said it." I know a few people who are like Ms. Shine, who are straight shooters, who say what they are thinking with utter disregard to those around them. And I will tell you what ~ those women are bitches.

Probably the most hypocritical of Darla's statements relating to perceived bitchiness (pg 199) is this: "It's not ladylike to be a bitch. All moms are in the same boat. Let's try to forgive and forget. Let's try to accept and be tolerant. Let's try not to judge each other. And, most importantly, let's try to support one another." Working moms, excluded.

Step 8 concerns something of which we can all relate, making time for you. I think we can all agree that, working or not, mommy or daddy, children consume a lot of our time and at the end of the day, there is not a lot of "me" time. And some way, come Hell or high-water, we need to schedule time for electrolysis. 'Cause Heaven forbid if we have a stray hair somewhere!

In Step 9, Ms. Shine urges her readers not to take everything so seriously. She likes to scream, and she admits to screaming all the time because her children drive her crazy and she loses her temper and, well, screaming helps. She also blames her inability to control herself on her "hot-tempered Italian blood mixed with female bitchiness and hormones." Oh, I guess that makes it okay then. I'm a quarter Czech. Am I allowed to break dishes if I get upset?

Ms. Shine declares, "Life is hard. I think it's much easier to hide out in your bedroom with the sheets pulled over your head than it is to actually deal with the problems. It's easier to pop pills than to face reality. It's easier to drug your kids than to deal with them. This must be why so many women are on antidepressants, and why so many mothers are allowing their children to be diagnosed with behavior problem and medicated at such young ages. It's because these women cannot cope with reality." (pg 191)

Well if you weren't offended by her fat-people-are-stupid comment, perhaps she got you with her medicated-mothers-can't-cope-with-reality-and-have-to-medicate-their-children-too, nonsense. At least I don't profess to scream at my children so loudly the neighbors can hear.

And finally, Step 10, possibly the only four pages of the book in which I felt likened to Ms. Shine. In it, she reminds us to reflect on others' problems and not our own, to savor each moment we share with our family, and to make the best of being a wife and mom (an at-home mom, that is).

Shine, Darla, Happy Housewives 1st ed. New York: Regan Books, 2005.