A Sarcastic Look at the Emmys

The prized Emmy Award is the next best thing to winning an Oscar, and for those that work in the television industry, it might as well will be. Every year, many stars, television producers and others wait anxiously at their tables, sipping on champagne, fidgeting in their seats, looking to the presenters in great anticipation of the moment when their name will be called and hopefully will put that acceptance speech that they spent, (or a speechwriter has spent), all year working on to good use. Then, after it is all over and the envelope has been opened, it's off to the after-Emmy parties where they dance all night, drink even more champagne, hobnob with the rest of the television elite, and then its back to work with a hangover and listening to directors complain on how they are not putting their full effort into their job for the week.

Sounds really typical, right? Like other well-known ceremonies that we all know and watch? But, what really suprises me the most is exactly how many awards have been created for this specific awards ceremony, and how they all seem so...how do I say it...mediocre compared to others, yet we still watch because we have to sit through the preliminary awards that go to those in technical fields before we see any of the real action that is about to take place. Again, this scenario is very much like the Oscars, as we always seem to have to wait for the awards that we are interested in, like Best Picture for instance. That is given at the very end of the evening so that after nearly four hours of seeing awards given out to such things as sound editing, picture editing, new technologies, and so forth, we have went numb from watching people that we don't even know or recognize receive their statues and listen to their speeches on how they thank God and their families that they have received it. It's in moments like these that I am just waiting for Liza Minelli to come tap-dancing out onto the stage in a top hat and tails, singing 'Everything's Coming Up Roses' that would send any normal and sane person running and screaming from the room!

Now, the Emmys, it can be a little different. For starters, we're looking at televison rather than the motion picture crowd. This means that these guys are lower paid, more overworked, and still have the studio to answer to to make sure they put out for the year and make a good ratings game for the year. This, above all else, I can understand, but what I can't seem to understand i sall of these awards that seem to be for the same thing, just presented in a different way? For instance, could someone please explain to me how 'Outstanding Art Direction in a Multi-Camera Series' is deserving of an award? I mean, what is it about multiple cameras that makes this category so special for art direction? Is it because not only did Brad Pitt cry in the new documentary about teenaged bed-wetting, but he did it with style while he was wearing a pink ballerina outfit and didn't even flinch due to the fact that he wasn't being manly. Were there were fifty different cameramen who took the same shot of the tear as it rolled down his cheek at different angles? Oh my goodness! Everyone roll over and faint! I mean, my goodness, what a tribute to those people in costuming! Also, will someone please explain to me about 'Outstanding Commercial'? What is it about companies that make commercials for things that I know that I don't even want to buy, (let alone have the money to buy), deserving of an award such as this? Was it becuase the lighting on the shot was cool, or was it the fact that Janet Jackson showed up in the hopes of making up for that Super Bowl scandal that nearly ended her career? Or, was it she made the soft drink look hot as she stood next to it wearing the leather dominatrix outfit? Again, what is the point?

Then, we have 'Outstanding Main Title Design.' Okay, I'm willing to let this one go, simply for one reason: Titles on TV shows are very much like looking at the covers of books. Most people buy a book simply because the cover looks good and they think it will look cool on their bookshelves. It's not that they ever read it, but they have to look good in the eyes of their friends. In television, the title is the same way. It doesn't mean that the show is not complete garbage. What it does mean is that when they see the name of the show all decked out in neon and all of the supermodels are drawn topless in the shot, the CGI artists have been doing their job, and here is their award!

Next, there is 'Outstanding Make-Up For a Series' (*non-prostethic of course) and then 'Outstanding Prostethic Make-Up For A Series'. Okay, who has been watching 'Forrest Gump' too much? Now, I can understand how we want to reward regular make-up artists for making our celebrities look handsome or beautiful when they are working on the set, but dearly departed Aunt Mirna? Come on, folks! Can we please stop bothering the local morgue for mold casting and get back to business? I mean, for heaven's sake, I'm waiting for the prop guy to ask the director if they think the star prop needs more moisturizer!

Of course, we also cannot forget 'Outstanding Choreography'. Now, there's really a statement. I never knew that William Peterson of 'CSI' could mambo? I could just see it now. The lights go dim and while he's looking over another fake dead body, and for some strange reason, he sees fit to start doing a tango with Marg Helgenberger while the rest of the cast looks on. I mean, sure, why not? It's not like the corpse is going anywhere anyway! Maybe Bob Barker from 'The Price Is Right' could go into a little softshoe while he's giving away a new car? I mean, who knows, it could work!

Lastly, we cannot forget 'Outstanding Picture Editing For A Special'. Okay, now before I get into this, here's the question: Do these editors actually keep the footage they cut? I mean, what happens when the cameraman accidentally catches Snoop Dogg in the back trying to hit on Barbara Walters before they come out and announce the nominees? I mean, you can't air something like that with a major television network can you? Oh, I forgot....'Inside Edition' will pay for anything these days. The thing that has to be remembered about editors is merely one simple thing: They know who you are, and Hugh Hefner is already on the phone making offers! So, it might be wise for our celebrities to be a little more discerning when they are off and on the camera, as editors are the spies of the network, and they're not singled out in the department of weaseliness. I mean fifty bucks is fifty bucks, right?

So, I think that the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences really need to take a look at the real reason why people even watch the Emmys to start with. People watch the Emmys because they want to see their celebrities and their favorite shows win! They honestly do not care about all of the technical things that go into making a show. While they are important and we do need to recognize them and they are totally deserving of these awards of achievement, do we have to make the show two or three hours long just to fit them in? I mean, it's not like we're going to see Liza Minelli tap-dance again, anyway.