A Satirical Look at Increasing Diversity at Texas A&M University

William Coffin Jr. once said that "diversity may be the most dangerous thing for a society to be without." Diversity is also the most important thing for A&M to achieve, because only can true diversity put an end to all of those horribly boring seminars about integration, tolerance and inclusion. The situation is dire, because if we do not increase diversity soon, A&M will face an increased death toll due to the wrath of boredom that these seminars unleash. Unfortunately, Texas A&M University is eighty percent Caucasian, with only three percent of its student body being of African American origin. Because of the urgency of this situation, I have proposed four solutions to increasing diversity on the A&M campus.

First, recruiters must find a method to increase the enrollment of Hispanics at A&M. A&M does not actually need to increase the number of students going to their college, they just need to reorganize the way their students are counted and to do this they can use an age-old practice. If A&M really wants their Hispanic enrollment to skyrocket, all they have to do is implement a compromise, one in which A&M is able to count three-fifths of its custodial staff as students. Hey, if it was good enough for Thomas Jefferson, it is definitely good enough for us. The Three-Fifths Compromise was an important sign of unity and togetherness, showing that people of all white political backgrounds can come together in order to benefit themselves from the way minorities are counted.

In addition, A&M needs to find a way to attract African American people to its wonderfully accepting environment. How should this be done? Well, obviously the best way is by making everywhere else a horrible place to live. While we have seen the success of such time honored traditions of white flight, violent law enforcement, and public housing, we need to speed up the process a little more. Solution: hurricane. All we have to do is create another hurricane that will hit an area where lots of minorities go to college, like Prairie View or Tuskegee. Hurricane Katrina was very effective at making blacks leave their homes, so all we have to do is create another hurricane that will make A&M seem like a better environment by comparison. But we need to make sure that we keep morale high, so we will adopt the strategy Bush used during the Iraq War. Distract from the death, destruction, and lack of progress and leadership with a patriotic, inspiring name like Operation Iraqi Freedom. We can disguise the horror and floating bodies of this hurricane with a flashy, positive name that will make blacks proud like Hurricane King or Hurricane Angelou or Hurricane...some other famous black person. This will ensure that these African Americans will enter the Texas A&M campus with renewed pride in the power, strength, and accomplishments of their race.

Also, black attendance at the school can be increased by merely reorganizing the way A&M is currently structured while utilizing some of its current assets. For example, Texas A&M can take advantage of the large veterinary hospital and equine science programs. All A&M has to do is gather the hair from all of its horses and use that to open up the official Modern Negress Beauty School of Texas A&M. Blacks will come from across the country to use the immense resources of horse hair to make fabulous weaves so that someday they can open up their very own beauty shops. After all, what black woman does not want to be like their national monarch, Queen Latifah?

Finally, in order to increase black enrollment at A&M all we have to do is find a way to make College Station and Texas A&M seem more attractive in their eyes. There is a much cheaper way to attract blacks than spending lots of money on "tricking out" the university and its professors with bling, chrome spinners, and platinum grillz. All that needs to be done is to plant cotton all around the university, and the blacks will flock from all over the country. The historical evidence proving the love shared between cotton and the black man is overwhelming, and ensures that this method will be a success.

Clearly, diversity is one of the most dangerous things for a society to be without. If it were not for diversity, then how else could we get out of those horrible seminars? Through the methods of hurricanes, compromise, opportunities in beauty shops, as well as the love of cotton, it is a sure thing that minority enrollment will increase. After all, we must not lose focus of the tremendous responsibility with which we have been burdened. We must ensure that we can bring more minorities onto the campus of Texas A&M in order to get what we all want anyway, more free time in which to benefit from the suffering of minorities. Besides, this goal strikes at the very heart of American ingenuity. Never has a people on Earth been more equipped and trained at utilizing another group for a profit that they did not really need in the first place.