A Seat for One

I no longer dream of him. Instead, I dream in chaos. I'm tossing and turning in my sleep, and even my cat has now realized the danger of sleeping beside my feet. And I awake in the middle of the night, cold and alone, and my heart cries in silence. I haven't found him, and I don't think I will. But maybe I should remain alone.

Their feet thundered against the dance floor. BOOM, BOOM. Slide to the left. Someone is there. Slide to the right. Another brilliant face. Reverse. Reverse, and they clap with joy, life. But I remain sitting in a seat for one.

My foot tapped to the beat. I wanted to rise and dance. I just didn't want to do it alone. My coworkers gestured for me to join them, and I almost did. But instead, I remained sitting, laughing at them. What could I say? Maybe I am just a wallflower at heart.

I waved the white flag and surrendered to the advice of my family and friends. I joined two dating sites, one free and one not. The free one was promising at first, but some scary individuals then emerged, interested in me. But I have enough horror stories to tell, so I left that site and remained with the other. There were plenty of fish in the sea, and I tried to grab a few. They slipped through my hands, uninterested, and the one, who conversed with me for an hour on IM was nowhere to be seen. And I sat before the screen, searching for him, the man of my dreams, but he was nowhere to be found. So, I gave up, eliminating another dating profile.

My family and friends tell me not to give up. I'll find him, my one true match. My heart has just missed Cupid's arrow, but I'm tired of looking. I cruised through so many profiles, staring at the men, who could be my white knight, or would they become another nightmare? I've been crushed too many times, torn apart, and the last man that I dated still lingers out there, trying to catch me in his web. I'm tired of the mind games. I'm tired of Tag, you're it. I'm tired of being hurt, and a knot tightens in my stomach at the thought of taking a risk of opening that door. But do I really want to stay alone?

There are so many men out there, looking for their soul mate. There are so many separated or divorced from the one that they thought would be their one forever. There are those that just play the field, lead you on in circles, going nowhere. A few seem genuine, a prince in disguise, but what baggage do they carry? What baggage do I have that would turn them away? It's a game. It's a game of risk. Are we compatible, and what are you really looking for? What would I have to give up to be what you want, and what if I told you to change to be with me? There is no such thing as a perfect match, and we all want something different. We all want that love at first sight without the flaws, without the mess, but life is messy, complicated. And we are all complex.

A picture speaks a thousand words, but it is also the illusion of self. A charmer may be nothing more than a snake. A nerd may be a hero in disguise. No photo may be a red flag, warning, or maybe he is just shy. Do you take a chance? What does my picture say about me? Are my flaws noticeable, or would they risk digging deep to uncover the dirt, my secrets to tell what lies beyond the photograph? And what if they don't like what they find? Do they walk or run away, or do I just paint pretty pictures over a lie to give them comfort, deny thyself to be known? Another level in the dating game.

There is no secret that my past relationships have been nothing short of a train wreck. I made so many mistakes in youth. All the great guys in my life, I broke their hearts. All the monsters that tore me apart, I let them walk right in. My scars are finally healing, and my heart feels again. And I would love to feel a hand over mine, warm words caressing my ear, and love tickling the absence in my soul, but for me to have that, I would have to play the game. I just don't know if I can, so I remain, sitting alone in a seat for one, waiting, hoping for him to find me. But I know that he won't, so do I take another chance, join another dating site? I don't know. I don't know what I will find, and I think that scares me the most.