A Short History of America as Seen from the U.K

This concise overview of American History will enable you to better understand, and perhaps even sympathize with the collective psyche of the American peoples. You will gain valuable insight into their smug attitudes of superiority and the roots of their often boorish behavior.

America was originally discovered accidentally by Columbus, also known as "Wrong-way Chris" when he was mucking about the Atlantic Ocean. When they heard of the discovery, the European Royalty sent explorers out to stake claims for them. The Spanish took the gold- and silver-rich southern regions, and the French took the lucrative fur-trapping wilds to the north. The English, being a bit late in the running, got the mediocre middle ground that no one else wanted.

The original English Colonies were settled by Puritanical Pilgrims, who were fleeing Merry Olde England because they lived in mortal fear that someone there might (gasp) actually be having a good time. The new world with its harsh winters and short growing season provided just the sort of misery and deprivation that they craved. They would have all starved to death if the native tribes hadn't helped them out. Once, when the "Indians" took pity on them and brought them some food, they had a big feast, which started a tradition called "Thanksgiving", when Americans will absolutely gorge themselves on one day, each November, in case it is the last meal that they have for the rest of the winter.

The soil of New England was poor, and the only thing of much use that could grow there was the addictive, nicotine-saturated weed known as "tobacco". Sir Walter Raleigh got really rich selling tobacco to Englishmen back then, because we had no laws against dealing drugs. Soon more people flocked to the new world, mostly to get away from their nagging landlords. Sir William Penn bought Pennsylvania which he designated as a special natural habitat for the Quakers. This was good for everyone because they soon invented oatmeal. As other colonists moved to the more fertile lands to the south, they found more palatable food like potatoes, corn and beans.

Later on the colonists rebelled against Good King George because they didn't want to pay the tax on tea, as any civilized people would gladly do. In a fit of pique, they dumped the tea into the Boston Harbor, which the English regarded as just cause to engage in war. But, as it turned out, the colonists wouldn't fight fair in a proper battle. They skulked about like cowards, hiding behind trees and fences, taking potshots at the gallant regiments in red. They had no manners or breeding, and, led by George "the Chopper" Washington, they even crossed the Delaware at night and attacked on Christmas Day when the Brits were a-wassailing and having pudding! Even though, according to the rules, they lost most of the battles, they wouldn't admit when they were beaten, so King George finally gave up on them, realizing they were completely incorrigible and not worth the bother.

Lacking any real sports or cultural activities to occupy their growing leisure time, Americans then busied themselves with pastimes like witch-hunts and religious fervers. Several enthusiastic, yet fanatical sects were founded. Most of them were preoccupied with sticking their noses in their neighbor's business and generally adopting principles and strictures that were impossible to adhere to, based on various superstitions. This made them very popular. Some of them performed experiments that examined the relative flammability of persons accused of witchcraft.

After a while, they ran out of witches and firewood, and many Americans began to get up the gumption to cross over the Appalachian Mountains for the lands beyond. Colorful explorers like Davy "Coonskin" Crockett and Daniel "Bear Killer" Boone "discovered" the Cumberland Gap when the Native Americans who lived nearby showed them where to find it. They led bands of settlers seeking relief from the boredom of their drab cities to an exciting new life amongst the mosquitoes, ticks and leeches. They gloried in the struggles it took to build new towns even more boring than those they left behind. To the south, the fertile lands were cleared for huge plantations to grow the cotton desperately needed to make diapers and potholders.

After that, not much happened until the restless Americans decided to cut the country in half, separating the north from the south, and go after each other with cannonballs, muskets and bayonets. The two opposing sides, the Yankee Doodles and Johnny Rebs, looked identical except for the color of their uniforms. One side was gray and the other side was blue; never mind which was which. More Americans died in this decidedly un-civil Civil War than any other, probably because both sides doing the killing (and dying) were American. The blue side was finally declared the winner mainly because of the powerful speeches of their leader, Abraham "The Rail Splitter" Lincoln.

A newly reunited America then looked for new fights to pick, and went after the native peoples again, to make their lives miserable and grab their land. To do this they employed mounted soldiers that rode around creating havoc among the indigenous tribes, eventually forcing the survivors to live on the most worthless parcels of land. They were generally successful and this allowed Pioneers to settle the choice real estate from coast to coast. This initiative was know as "Manifest Destiny", which loosely translated means: "Best Land for the White Man". Soon, columns of covered wagons criss-crossed the wild west, and the legendary character, the American Cowboy made his debut. The Cowboy later became an important cultural icon in the early days of the Cinema and TV, without which many film production studios would have been at a total loss for material.

Having pacified the natives, Americans then occupied themselves with industrialization and the building of great cities in order to become rich. Millions of acres of virgin forests were clearcut for lumber. Whole mountains were leveled in mining operations. Back in the cities, they found new and ingenious ways of bilking people out of their money with banking, insurance and investment schemes. They invented a business strategy called "Capitalism" where just 1 percent of the population could become insanely wealthy by hogging the profits and making everyone else work for them. America also began to emerge as a political world power under the leadership of Teddy "Cuddly Bear" Roosevelt whose successful policy of Expansionism was achieved by cunning threats, bribery and double-dealing. "Speak softly and carry a Big Stick" was his sage advice to the nation.

Then came the two World Wars, which Americans helped to win under the guidance of Sir Winston Churchill. Following his advice, gonzo American generals with names like "Ike Eisenhowitzer" and "Blood and Guts" Patton basically flattened most of the opposition with huge, armored tanks and stupendous bombardments. Pitched battles were fought in foreign places with difficult-to-pronounce names. The Navy, under admirals like "Old Ironsides" and "Lead Bottom" did well too, pitting their enormous steel air-craft carriers against tiny, but numerous Kamikaze planes made of straw and wood. One of the major benefits of the victories was the addition of new, paid holidays like Veteran's Day, Memorial Day and the Fourth of July, when the average Yank relaxes at picnics, drinking beer and eating potato salad with grilled pieces of farm animals.

In the ensuing post-war peacetime, Americans attempted to relieve their doldrums by inventing radio, television and the cinema, which were sponsored by truly brilliant advertising commercials. Soon all America was obsessing over brands of peanut butter, cigarettes, laundry detergent and indigestion remedies. A new cultural norm called "Mass Consumerism" united the country. Automobiles were improved greatly to better facilitate traffic jams. During this time, the Cold War with Russia was also invented to keep the military alert and ready. This came in handy, keeping them in shape for the various mini-wars in Korea, Viet Nam, the Persian Gulf and the Middle East.

America then entered a Golden Age inaugurated by President Kennedy from the White House in Camelot. It was Kennedy who championed the Space Race and put a man on the moon, which enabled all Americans to thumb their noses at the Russians, who failed in the endeavor. This demoralized the Russians enough to eventually lead to the collapse of the Soviet Union. In the following decades, American popular culture was given a sorely needed boost by "the British Invasion", led by a squadron of Beatles who taught the local lads how to play Rock and Roll music properly. The general happiness this movement engendered enabled the Baby Boomer generation to consider activities other than warfare, territorial aggression and religious or racial persecution. Civil Rights legislation was passed to give everyone a fair shake, and it sort-of worked for a while. Opposition to the war in Vietnam, led by hippies, used flower-power to bring the troops home.

During the Reagan Years, rampant capitalism, driven by the trickle-down mythology of economic development, made the wealthiest class of Americans rich beyond their wildest dreams. In unsubstantiated reports, some of this wealth was said to have trickled down to the lower classes, in nickels and dimes, for minutes at a time! These anecdotal reports were used to justify deregulation of many industries vital to the pocketbooks of the wealthy elite. Profits became astronomical, and while major corporations were given enormous tax breaks, CEOs everywhere cashed in on their exorbidant stock options. President Reagan, a close friend of Maggie Thatcher, then concentrated on unprecedented and useless overspending to purchase military hardware, getting the U.S. in hock to the tune of three trillion dollars. But the average American was blissfully unaware of all this and many subscribed to the oxymoronically named "Conservative" political orientation.

At this point in time, America became divided into two opposing camps, with the Conservatives taking over the Republican party and the Democratic party by default becoming the bastion of the Liberals. Extremists on both sides polarized issues so that there was no common ground for the ordinary, law abiding citizens to have their more centrist views represented. This led to legislative gridlock with very few useful laws or policies being approved, and only resolutions like the establishment of a Halitosis Awareness Day came out of the joint sessions of Congress.

The Clinton era was marked by a general prosperity due to the popular rejection of the up-tight dictates of the previously influential Moral Majority types. Under the liberal-leaning President, people were free to mind their own business and not be bothered as often by judgmental moralists. Some may argue, perhaps successfully, that Mr. Clinton was a bit lax in his personal relationships, and this may have enabled a consequent swing back to right-leaning politics.

George W. Bush, who would have lost the election in an actual democracy, became President via a technical decision determined by the electoral college with the help of hanging chads. He then presided over the greatest decline in America's political and economic power since its founding. This had the effect of providing a lot of material for satirical comedy sketches of Bush and his administration. Vice President Dick Cheney's greatest accomplishment was the non-fatal shooting of a Washington lawyer.

Today average Americans, perhaps disillusioned by recent socio-political events, spend much of their free time being preoccupied with trivial pursuits, such as closely following the pathetic antics of dysfunctional celebrities. That is why terms like "Lindsay Lohan" rank highest among Internet searches. All things Hollywood-related take precedence over the real news events of the day. The most popular television talk shows feature the conflicts involved with bizarre, violent relationships between relatives and friends. Reality Shows, a trend pioneered by "The Weakest Link" have taken over large segments of TV programming, wherein contestants vie for supremacy in sadistically designed competitions.

So the pageantry of daily life in American proceeds, as their work-a-day efforts increase in intensity to meet new economic challenges. Americans have always had a can-do attitude that laughs in face of facts and statistics. Yankee ingenuity has alway succeeded in spawning technological wonders, like the plug-in air freshener and motorized lint roller. Will they maintain their position of influence in the brave new world of the 21st century? You can bet your last Euro on that.