A Short Practical Outline of the Elements of the Grieving Process

In this hour of profound grief, all of us need to maintain a coping mechanism to deal rationally with our rage and grief, doubts and fears, and still remain balanced enough not to feel prejudice against any person, race or color. And not to despair beyond life itself.

"I can't believe that such a thing could happen here." is a classic statement of denial. Denial is among the first stages of grief. Another manifestation of denial is refusing to acknowledge that we are susceptible to anger, depression, self-blame and other expressions of grief, because of pride.

Blame is a coping mechanism and a natural part of the grieving process. Do not belittle those coping with grief in the projection of blame. Talk them through it. Walk them through it. Humor them through it.

Two-inch headlines in bold black lettering blared across two lines of a local newspaper, "Why Wasn't He Stopped?", the day after the deadliest shooting in American history. People of all ages, ethnic backgrounds, economic levels are shocked and saddened that such an event could happen to us. An event of such magnitude reaches the core of us all, and we demand and fully expect answers. Families are completely numbed into the bottomless pit of disbelief and grief that their lives have been so brutally shattered forever.

Was the school security program lax? Were the police dragging their feet? Was it the fault of the store owner where the powerful firearms were purchased? Was it the fault of the Virginia Legislature for not passing rigid and enforceable gun laws? Was the perpetrator bullied at school? Was he harassed because of his ethnicity. We all want answers! We demand and expect answers! The talk show hosts and news journalists are all speculating the whys and wherefores, spreading unconfirmed information like wildfire. They are seeking answers as soon as possible, because as one journalist stated, "so the families can start to find closure and begin healing".

In a world governed by the aggressive use of force, accidents, thermal transference (weather), and plate tectonics, there is no real and permanent closure for those left behind to deal with unexplainable tragedy, and the healing is a life-long process of day-to-day coping.

Some people seek peace for their aching souls within their church, or by reading from the Koran or wisdom of Confucius and other Philosophers; in quiet music such as the Gregorian chants; scenic landscapes such as mountains or seashores. Some seek solitude by withdrawing from the public eye, while others want people to know how bright, wonderful, witty and loving their loved one was, and draw closer to their families and friends. Some submerge themselves in hate and bitterness refusing to forgive anyone, not even God. Many take life a little slower each day to appreciate the small things - a small bud popping through a snowy crust, a colorful bird singing, tiny green leaves popping out on barren twigs, the colorful panorama of changing leaves in the fall. the innocent bright smile of a child over a small toy. As time passes, the brutally sharp edges of grief are softened. Like water in a mountain stream over the river rock, the edges begin to wear smooth, but they never disappear completely.

Holidays such as Christmas, birthdays, Thanksgiving, anniversaries become a blessing! The brightness and lightheartedness of the occasion becomes drenched in memories, renewing the grieving process all over again. The luster is gone from the decorations, and there is a flatness to the beautiful music of the season, but the familiar can assuage the torment as an island of ritual. Memorials and Funerals are foundational rituals of grief. Embrace them with great love.

It seems to ease our grief that we can blame someone, something somewhere, no matter how remotely involved. We all feel better if we can discover a reason for everything, even the most bizarre behavior. We than can feel in control of our lives once again.

Anger is another part of the grief process. Many of you will feel anger in the coming days, and it may come at times and ways that you least expect it. This is natural. See it for what it is, in yourself, or others.

Bouts of depression and despair will ebb and flow. In these times, we need each other the most. Do not be alone in these times if you can help it. You are not alone. Show love and seek love.

Sublimation and transference (Action) is another part of the grief process. This is a positive, proactive response in which you channel your energy (particularly the anger) to help yourself, your family, friends or nation. Your may volunteer at a suicide Hot-line. Your may write a letter to your Congressman. You may join a support group. You may speak to groups.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a physical ailment brought about by the stress of unresolved grief. The full expression of the elements of the grieving process will help to prevent long term pyschological damage. Construct a road map of these elements, write down and commemorate each as it is experienced.

Our faith tells us that this is not our world! Yes, we are born, go to school, grow up, fall in love, marry and have families and jobs. We create a spot for ourselves on Earth and we all like to believe we are indispensable and infallible - but, we are just passing through. We arrive naked and we leave naked, somewhat the worse for wear. All faiths testify to these facts. We are more than our bodies.

BUT - This is God's World! He knows the answers, He allows us to make choices, He can soothe our broken souls. He allows bad things to happen to good people to test our strength and belief in Him. He can bring Peace and Calm to our tortured minds. We are not to know all things, but with a deep and abiding love for our God, all things will be known to us when we are ready to accept the truth. God has a plan for our lives, and a plan for the ultimate defeat of all evil.

Is it possible for all tragedies to be eradicated? Unless everyone on earth is locked up individually forever, things will happen. People will drink and drive, run red lights and stop signs, lash out in anger, steal and plunder what's not theirs commit rape and vilely target children, and go ballistic with powerful firearms. The Earth will quake and the wind will blow. Among the foundational principles of Christian faith, you will find that even God grieves with us.

Darryl Scott, whose daughter was killed at Columbine was asked, "How can you ask us to believe in a God that would allow what happened to your daughter Rachel? Where was He when the killers did their evil deed?"

And Darryl replied, "He was in the same place, that He was, on the day, that they murdered His Son."