A Simple Tool to Restore Communication With Your Teenager, Guaranteed

Communication with teenagers has become a topic of utter horror for most parents. You've seen a million books, magazine articles, and Dr. Phil episodes on the subject - yet to no avail. Parents are still asking the same question, because the answer has yet to be grasped. They ask "How do I get my teen to listen to me?" The answer, surprisingly enough, lies in the dialectic of human nature: If you want your teens to listen, you must stop talking.

Why? How? What? These questions are the logical response to such a statement. Now, before you dismiss this article as misguided heresy, take a moment to remember your teenage years. If you were in any way misunderstood, misinformed, felt unloved or unwanted in any way, then the root of your issues will be the same as the teen you are now battling to communicate with. More than anything else, you wanted to be understood. You wanted to be loved. You wanted for someone - anyone - to accept and love you for who you were; if it happened to be your parents, so much the better.

Teens are asking the question today that they have always been asking. It is timeless, universal and perpetually relevant. Standing before you, pleading for your attention (albeit in some very unorthodox ways), your child asks you "Am I good enough?" Your response, whether good or bad, encouraging or discouraging, positive or negative, will be what shapes their self image. Along with that self image will develop the filter by which they communicate with the rest of the world.

Now for a moment of self reflection: Before you flippantly answer "Yes, of course they are", really think about it. Were you, parent, constantly striving to meet your parent's expectations? Do you feel like you met them? Did you fail to meet them, in your own eyes? Your answer may center on the assertion that "I am not my Father/Mother", but in reality, are you? Whether you are not, do you surmise that your teens are trying to win your approval? Chances are, that is exactly what is happening. Depending on what stage they are in - from seeking your approval, finding their identity, and either receiving it or resigning themselves to not receiving it, the attitudes evidenced may be different.

But, to the heart of it all - the practical application. Utilize this tool, and your communication with your teen is guaranteed to improve:

The next time you talk with your teen, about virtually anything, keep silent. Answer when necessary, encourage where appropriate, celebrate when available, but become the listener in all things. If you ask them "How was school?", and they answer "Good. Fine. Whatever" or any other monosyllable grunt of begrudging response, accept it. Let them lead with discussion - given enough time, they will. Don't force communication - they will be quick to escape. Give them less than they currently expect, and they will seek more.

Does this mean you let them do as they please, avoiding contact for fear of communication breakdown? Of course not. This tool of silence is geared to discretionary conversation, and is not intended to break down the family infrastructure, but to strengthen it. As with any form of lasting change, it will take some time. Fortunately, time is what you have. The more you try to force it, the less it will work.

Always remember this: they want to talk to you - they just want you to listen, and to truly care about what they have to say.