A Soft Smile

She closed her eyes and felt the cool breeze playing with her hair. The sun kissed her on its way back up to the sky. She was walking in a field of butterflies with her one true love. She smiled and inhaled deeply. He turned to face her and took her hand in his. "we'll always be just like this," he whispered it softly as if it were a secret meant only for her that not even the butterflies could share. She swirled in big circles making the butterflies dance around her and.....

"Anna! Anna, where are you?"

The sound of her mothers voice brought Anna back to the present. "I'm here momma! Right here!"

Her mother came out of the back door with a basket in her hand. Her hair, which was mostly still brown, was pulled back from her face. She might have pulled it tight in the morning but by now the strands were trying to get out of their confinement. She wore a dress that had very little color left in it. Her hands told the story of her hard life and the lines around her eyes and mouth gave away her years on the earth. She hardly complained in words but an occasional hand at the small of her back told those that knew her well of her pains.

"What are you still doing out here? I told you to hurry up with the clothes cuz I needed you in the kitchen this morning." She spoke in a harsh tone but her eyes held a light that showed her deep love for her child. "Are you out here daydreaming again?"

"But momma, the breeze just carried me away. If you was me wouldn't you want to be somewhere else?"

Her mother rolled her eyes and threw up her one free hand. "oh, child, how you do go on! If I were you?...." She shook her head and sighed deeply. A small smile threatened to tug at the corners of her lips. "If I were you I would have got my outside chores done real quick so I could help my momma inside. Oh, to be fourteen again..." She chuckled softly, remembering.

"Momma why can't I go to school anymore, like the boys?"

"Your place for learning things is here. You need to not worry about boys until you can get the clothes without dreaming the morning away." She held the basket out for Anna to take. "I need you and Nadine to take this over to Mrs. Holloway. Go on , I will finish up here."

"Mrs. Holloway?"

"Nadine!" Mother called for her sister.

"Coming!" Nadine came out a short minute later still drying her hands on her apron. "Yes momma?"

"why don't you and Anna go ahead and take this leftover stew to Mrs. Holloway."

"alright momma, will you be ok here?" At mother's nod, Nadine hung her apron on the hook by the door .

"What happened to Mrs. Holloway?" Anna asked on the way to the neighbor's house.

"The baby died yesterday morning. The doctor said she was to weak." Nadine was older by two years and she seemed to know everything. She didn't act like she knew everything, she just seemed so much older than her younger sister. "Things like that happen , you know? It isn't fun, but it happens. Mrs. Holloway hasn't said a word to anyone since then. Her husband says she won't even eat. They have an older son that she needs to take care of and quit thinking so much of herself."

"Nadine, why are you like that? Sometimes I wonder if we have the same father. Maybe momma had a secret lover and he is my father. Maybe..."

Nadine snorted in disgust. "Anna you live your life in your daydreams. Life ain't really like that. It is all about dishes and cooking and laundry. You need to learn how to be a good wife cuz that is all we will ever be - wives." her eyes started to mist and she quickly wiped them away.

"Whats wrong Nadine?"

"Nothing, come on, we need to hurry so we can get back and help momma."

Mrs. Holloway again refused to eat, she didn't even thank the girls. The whole house just smelled like death, they could feel it in the air. Anna shivered more than once and Nadine stood awkwardly by the door. They left as quickly as they came.

On the way home, Nadine and Anna held hands, trying to recapture their childhood, even if it was only for a moment.

************************************

Anna had a hard time falling asleep that night, she couldn't stop thinking about Mrs. Holloway. "Nadine?" She whispered.

"yeah?" A whispered reply.

"Are you still awake?"

"Yeah," there was a great sadness in her voice.

"I can't imagine how sad it would be to loose a baby, can you Nadine?"

"Don't think about such things Anna" She came to sit on her sisters bed. "God will bless you with ten babies, so maybe you won't notice if he takes one back" She smiled and patted her leg playfully.

"Of course I would notice. I would probably end up just like Mrs. Holloway."

"You would not, I wouldn't let you." Nadine stared off in to the darkness. "I am getting married the day after tomorrow Anna." She said it quietly, so quietly that Anna was not sure if she heard her right.always give you such a hard time about all your nonsense and daydreaming, but don't change Anna. Keep dreaming, and keep the stars in your eyes." She looked up and her tears began to escape the confines of her eyes.

"Did you say married?" She sat up in the bed. "You're not serious?"

"I am serious." She smiled and her tears shone in the moonlight. "I am going to miss you my sister." She looked down at her hands. "I know I

"Do you love him?"

"Love?" She sighed and wiped her face. "He has a farm, he needs a wife. It is not about love."

"When I get married it will be all about love. We are gonna stare at each other across the table and just know." She stared wistfully at her older sister, daring her to say differently.

"He would be crazy not to love you" she smiled. "Do you have someone in mind?"

Anna laughed. "No!"

Their laughter carried down the hall to the room their parents slept in. Mother lay awake, not wanting tomorrow to get there. Tomorrow would be the last tomorrow that Nadine would be only hers, for the tomorrow after that she would be married. She asked the darkness if it was too soon, sixteen was just so young. She herself had married at sixteen. She could almost hear the comforting words of her own mother, "life is about letting go". Yes, she would have to let her go. Seven daughters. She sighed softly and turned to face the wall. Only the darkness saw her tears and saw her soft smile as she listened to the girls in the other room.

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Anna would never forget the day she met the man she was going to marry. She was so intent on finding him that she almost missed it. She had actually known Alex Draven almost her whole life. His father's farm was not far from the farm she grew up on.

Alex was always there, he never made much of an impression on her. He did all that he was supposed to do and helped his father on the farm. He was quiet, never one to get too excited. So it surprised Anna when one afternoon she heard her mother say he was moving to the city.

"He is moving to the city?" She asked, trying not to sound too excited. "What do you mean? Why?"

"Well, Rosemary's brother owns a store in the city, some kind of furniture store. They make furniture and Alex wants to learn the trade. I guess he has decided that farming doesn't suit him anymore." She continued to knead the bread as she talked. "Kids these days, pretty soon there will be more people in the cities than running farms. Then how will everyone eat?" She shook her head and looked up to see the stars in her daughter's eyes.

"Have you ever been to the city Momma?"

"Yes, I went to the city once." She tried to leave it at that but of course Anna wouldn't have that. At her prompting, momma continued her story. "My mother's sister married a man from the city. My pa surprised my mother by putting her on the train to go visit her sister. I got to go with. We stayed for two weeks."

Mother turned as if to say she were done talking about it. "Well, was it fun? What did you do? Did you even want to come back here?"

"I was sixteen. Your father had asked me to marry him. My mother wanted me to see another way of life before I decided." She smiled at her memories and Anna wished she could see them as her mother did. "I didn't need time to think. God made your pa for me and I think we both knew that as soon as we saw each other. I waited sixteen years for him to marry me, but I went with momma. I am glad I went but this is my place. Always has been. I have never wanted anything else."

"You never wanted anything more than piles of work and crying babies?"

"You will find your place in this life Anna, and when you do all the work will be worth it."

*********************************************

Anna didn't get a chance to see Alex until church the following Sunday. All the way to church she practiced what she would say to him over and over again in her head. She would just walk right up to him and....

"She placed her feet on the ground just as he stepped out of the church. Everyone was inside, leaving them this moment in time. He came and placed his hand gently on her shoulder. "I have been waiting to talk with you." His lips barely moved.

"what did you want to talk about" She asked quietly, almost afraid to speak. Her breath came out in rapid short burst.

"Come away with me. Marry me, move to the city with me. I have always loved you."

"Anna," her father's voice brought her back to the present reality. "Anna we are here, are you coming?"

"Yes," she answered, gathering her best dress up in her hands as her father helped her out of the back of the wagon.

While seated in the pew Anna tried to discreetly look for Alex in the pew his family sat in. When she didn't see him there she began scanning the other pews. She was very much into her search when she felt her mother shove her elbow into her ribs. "Anna, who are you looking for, " she whispered way too loudly, " Are you looking for that Draven boy? You are going to break your fool neck!" Anna closed her eyes and fought the redness she could feel creeping up her neck, why couldn't the floor just open up right then and swallow her?

"Momma!" she whispered. "I am not looking for anyone." She sat straight beside her mother, embarrassed to the point of tears.

"He was outside talking to Polly Whitaker," Rosemary Draven said from behind them. "I don't know what he sees in that girl. You are so much prettier Anna, There really is no comparison. I am going to have to talk to that son of mine," Rosemary went on to tell mother exactly what she thought of her son and Anna laid her too warm face in her hands.

She inhaled deeply, wishing she were somewhere else, anywhere else. If I ever have a daughter, she thought to herself, I will never, ever...

"Hello Mrs. Vander, Mother." And all of a sudden there he was. Anna was just too embarrassed to look up at him. Please don't let them say anything, please, she pleaded silently to herself. I promise God, if you just do this one thing for me I will never daydream during service again, please, please, please. "Anna? Is there something wrong?"

"Well she has been looking for you all morning!" And there it was, her whole world fell apart. She would never be able to show her face again. She had always wondered what it would be like to be a nun. The church would be her only husband. She would never know what it felt like to hold her own children, to have her first kiss, to...

"I have been kind of looking for you too." He whispered it close to her ear.

Did she hear him right? Was she dreaming again? Dare she look at him? She peered at him out of the corner of her eye, just to see if he really was talking to her. "You were?" She asked softly.

"Yeah," he answered almost as softly. It was in that small moment that Anna knew she would one day marry him.

************************************************

The following months flew by, rarely seeing the two apart. Alex found every excuse he could to leave his chores and Anna suddenly found that going on a walk was the most exciting thing in the world. He told her of his dreams and for the first time Anna realized that there were other people in the world like her. People that were not happy with the life they were born too.

"He is just so stuck in his ways Anna!" Alex was obviously upset. They sat at the foot of their favorite tree. Days before Alex had shyly carved their names with a heart around them.

"Does he still not want you to move to the city?"

"He says I need to stay here, where I have a future" He stood up and began to pace. "What kind of future is this?"

"There will always be farms."

"You know what I think?" She shook her head, her eyes wide. He was so smart and knew things about the world that he shouldn't, having lived in the small farming community his whole life. "I think that once our children get older, there won't be much left in farming. The city is the future." He knelt down in front of her, eager for her to share his vision. "They drive cars in the city Anna. I am going to have a car one day. I am going to the city and making a name for myself there. I will make fine furniture and one day....." He trailed off and bit his bottom lip. He stared at the ground, seemingly not sure what to say next.

"Aren't you afraid to leave what you know?"

"You never get anywhere being afraid." he took her hand in his and took a deep breath. "Anna would you ever...I mean will you...it's just that I was thinking...."

"Yes! I will marry you and move to the city with you!" she laughed and threw her arms around his neck. He fell off balance and tumbled to the ground with her on his chest.

He laughed against her hair. "I was just wondering if you would be my girl?" He chuckled as she pushed against his chest. "I take that as a yes?"

"Oh, you!" Her face was burning bright when she looked at him. "You don't want to marry me?"

His smile was bigger than the sky above them. "Of course," He pushed her hair back behind her ear and touched her lip softly with his finger. "We have to do it right though. I need to ask your papa if I can take his daughter to the city."

She sat up and looked down at him with her lip jutted out. "What if he says no?"

"Maybe it would be best if I went first and made some money first. I could..." She put her hand over his mouth.

"Don't even finish that thought." She looked off across the fields. "I won't wait for you, so don't leave me!" With that she jumped up and ran home.

******************************

"Momma don't be sad," Anna tried to comfort her mother but her own excitement dimmed her mother's feelings. "Alex is a good man." She folded her dresses and carefully placed them in the suitcase beside her brush and mirror set. "momma I am going to the city!" She smiled widely and looked up at her mother.

"Yes, I know, tomorrow," her mother took the dress back out and folded it properly. "I can not believe I have to let another one of my girls go." Mother gently pushed her hair back from her face. "I still remember the day you were born." She laughed a small laugh and sat on the bed. Anna pulled her knees up, familiar with her mother's far away look. "Your father wanted a boy so very bad. He wouldn't even consider a girl's name, so sure you would be a boy. When you came out a girl I was almost afraid to tell him, scared he would be disappointed. He took one look at you and fell completely in love." Unshed tears made her eyes appear glassy. "I remember he asked me how it was possible that he loved you so much when he just met you. The love we shared in this house Anna, don't forget it. Keep it with you always. It will keep you warm in the cold nights and lead you back to a place you will always belong."

"I know momma," her voice had become as husky as mothers. "When I have babies I hope they are as happy as I was growing up."

"Now, don't be too quick with having babies." She looked sternly at her daughter.

"We are going to wait until we have a house. We're going to work and save our money until we can build our own house. Alex says we can have a home right outside the city and drive to work." She looked at mother to see if she was impressed with her knowledge of automobiles.

"Are you planning to work?"

"Only till we have enough for our house," she smiled slightly. "Then we are going to have at least ten babies."

Mother laughed. "Ten?" she asked. "I thought you didn't want babies."

"I want babies momma, I want a whole house of babies. I just don't want to milk any cows." she wrinkled her nose and they shared a knowing laugh.

"I think two years have changed you more than you know."

Anna gripped her mother's hand tightly, all at once knowing things would never be the same. She smiled softly.