A Special Night Out

Well with not much in the fridge and tired of sitting in the house, I decided to pack up the whole clan and head out to dinner. The night proved to be more than a mere meal, it was a journey of self affirmation and discovery. A true test of patience, and a look into the far reaches of humanity and its various levels of social hierarchy. The dining establishment of choice, The HomeTown Buffet!!! (Don't ask why).

We arrived at The HomeTown Buffet in the heat of the early bird rush. It was a mad dash of canes, black socks, and blue hair. I was actually nudged out of the way by an 197 year old man who then proceeded to trample my children on his way to the register where he insisted on paying with change. Yeah, The HomeTown Buffet is so classy you have to pay first. Not since my last trip to the Sizzler in 1989 have I experienced such 5 star dining accommodations.

Once the quarters, nickels, and pennies were sorted and tucked safely in to the proper trays in the register drawer it was my turn to pay as my little girls waited wide eyed with anticipation. The going fare for adult is $11.23 (drink and dessert included!) which I found to be a little steep. Children on the other hand are a different story. You see, much like buying ground beef or rice, where price is by the pound, at The Hometown Buffet children are paid for by the year. Yep, $.65 a year. So when the "host" asked me how old my daughters were I answered 5 and 2 and a half. My wife however was quick to interrupt and point out that Ava-Marie indeed was 4 and a half. She then pointed out that her birthday was not until October, in case the man with the bad complexion and stains on his shirt behind the register got suspicious as to the actual age of the child. Good job Tricia, way to save 65 cents.

Now to choose a table. It's seat yourself at The HomeTown Buffet. Tricia and the girls grabbed a cozy little booth next a window the yielded a lovely view of Kid Guitar's van, still covered with leaflets and postings. He still has positions open for female musicians between the ages of 18 and 25 who look good in bikinis. Surprised he hasn't found a young lass to "suit up", grab her bass and hop in the van. Weird! Anyways, the first round through the all you can eat buffet found Tricia with a garden fresh salad and Ava-Marie was to dine on pizza topped with something that she said "looked like throw-up". And we're off. Audery selected an item that resembled macaroni and cheese in texture, but not so in color. I had fried chicken and mashed potatoes that I believe were made from recycled tires -and the gravy, brown liquid salt. Soon I headed for the salad bar as I found myself somehow unable to swallow.

Enough about the delicious food and yummy nuclear orange ice cream that managed to turn itself green as it melted, lets review the staff and patrons, shall we?

Apparently employees get to treat themselves to the buffet tables on their lunch break, and apparently they do not have to wait in line like the rest of us sucks. Nope, around adults, over children, and through the seniors. Like seagulls diving on a bait ball, they dart in grab what they want and disappear. Customer service is paramount at The HomeTown Buffet. I think the "woman" carving the "roast beef" had actually surrendered her will to live some years back and now permanently reside at The HomeTown Buffet. I never saw her blink.

Perhaps the highlight of the evening however was the man sitting at a table near the soft serve machine, not eating, mad-dogging all the children. I think he was wearing break away pants. Maybe one lucky diner was going to receive an after dinner surprise in the parking lot.

Overall I would give my dinning experiences at The HomeTown Buffet zero stars out of a possible ten. I wouldn't recommend The HomeTown Buffet to anyone. Unless of coarse your weight exceeds 350 pounds, you are 13 and pregnant, or are coming down from a "gnarly" meth trip. Then I would say The HomeTown Buffet would be an excellent dinning establishment for special occasions or merely and evening out.

Remember, as the sign at the registers says, gratuities not included. So even though the wait staff provides NO assistance and at times hinders your pursuit of nourishment, don't forget to tip!

I am eagerly awaiting seafood night!