A Spelling Snob Vents

It's futile, but I'll say it, because people need to know, and I can't keep it to myself anymore: I'm mad at "alot". I don't mean I'm plenty mad, or that I'm angry at a large number of people. I'm mad at the word "alot". Using it automatically drops fifty, sixty points off your I.Q. It's not even a real word, but people are using it as if it were. It never even applied for the job; it just started showing up to the meetings like it had been there all along. The first time I heard someone use that word, I thought they meant "allot" as in "to allocate or partition a certain resource".

Here's an old classmate passing notes to me in third period:

Classmate: (writing on note) We need to get alot of reviewing for the test tomorrow.(Passes note to me)
Me: (writing back on note) Do you mean we need to allot something, like some time? (Passes note back)
Classmate: We need alot of studying, you know? Alot of time!
Me: It isn't "alot", Rob.
Classmate: You're telling me! The test is tomorrow!

If people are just going to say that, I'm going to have to make one or two up, such as "alittle" and "afew". What? What do you mean I can't just make up a word? Why not? Who did the "alot" fellow have to sleep with to get the gig, anyway? That word's all over the place! It was probably spread through shady, illegal channels, given out in sample amounts by sinister-looking teenagers at schoolyards. Maybe I have to do the same:

Kid1: Psssst! Hey, kid, you wanna have a word with me?
Kid2: Me? My mother told me not to conjugate with you!
Kid1: Nah, I don't do that anymore. Here. Have a free try.
Kid2: (Unfolds paper) "Afew". What the ^%^$# is this?

I see now that the marketing aspect might be an uphill climb. But I shall persist, people will use my word, and we shall overcome.

Another bugaboo (and yes, that's a real word) I have is with "et cetera". It is always being impersonated by its widespread evil twin, "eckseterra". Too many people are using this word, even professionals. It has proliferated like a virulent growth on the landscape of our language, and attached itself like a fetid barnacle on the ship of our vernacular, it is mildew on the inside of our great colloquial castle, clinging and stretching like...like an analogy that is in danger of being pushed too far!

If you look closely (without getting your nose-prints on this paragraph, of course), there is no "K" in the abbreviation "etc.". Did you get that? Really, there isn't! Look again! How many of you actually spell this shortened form as "e-K-c."? A show of hands, please? Nobody? Hah! That's just what I meant!
Those of you who write out "eck ceterra" or any of its foul relatives, online or in print, should do the following: take a rubber band, stretch it by a good foot or two, and thwack it against the inside of your wrist for every time you intend to do that again! Lather, Wince, Repeat. Are you feeling cured yet?

And finally (for today, at least) there is no such thing as "Manilla" folders. You'll actually see this in office supply store displays that tell you what kind the folders are! I am unusually qualified to lecture on this because-- get this-- I have lived in that city where the folders are from! I have seen the Welcome signs, and none of them have the double-L in the city's name. It is spelled "Manila", with only one L. There! Is there any better proof than testimony from someone who is actually from there?

"But Wait", you might say, "how come it rhymes with Vanilla? As in Milla-Vanilla?"
See, this is just the misinformation I have to fight against. Just because it rhymes, is not enough reason to spell it the same way. Why, some people pronounce "Oregon" such that it rhymes with "Horny-gun". Some can also rhyme it as "Whore a-gone". Imagine that! Now how many of you, er, Hornagonians want to change the spelling on your drivers' licenses? Hah!!! I didn't think so.

I may have spoken too boldly,and I may have garnered some new opponents on this subject. But I feel strongly enough that getting naysayers is of no matter. Am I really that passionate about preserving the beauty of the English language? Yes, I am. Am I still angry now that I have finished venting my pet peeves? No. Well, maybe just alittle.

Pass it on.