A Strategy for Effective Consequences for Disrespectful Teens

There is nothing like the adolescent years to make any parent's hair turn gray. With the advent of hormones, peer pressure, and the thought of impending adulthood looming large, the teen years (for the most part) have been known historically as a time when the parental waters are tested, sometimes on an hourly basis. Your teenager may have started out life as a darling little toddler or elementary school child, but is now exhibiting signs of disrespect and disdain. In a few cases, such behavior may be the result of ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder), and in that case, that child and the family would benefit from professional counseling. However, if yours is a "normal" teenager going through a spurt of disrespect as part of the growth cycle, there are many consequences that you, as the parent, can use as discipline.

First of all, parents need to set clear rules and consequences in advance of any discipline for unwanted behavior. In many cases, writing down these rules and consequences is helpful, especially if you have a precocious child who will find the loopholes and take advantage of them. Second of all, parents of disrespectful teens must follow through with any consequences. Your child will take a lack of follow through to mean that your rules mean nothing. In many cases, the parents are too tired to see the consequences through. Or they may feel it's easier to let the child slide into the gray area of overlooking the offense. This tactic may ease a parent's mind in the short term, but in the long run, these parents are setting themselves up for bigger disasters later on.

While there are often valid reasons for moody behavior, parents should maintain a zero-tolerance level for disrespect. They should also work closely with their child's school in monitoring their child's behavior. By setting a clear example and following through with consequences, the child can learn to check their disrespect at the door. This is a helpful tool that the teen will need when they make the transition into adulthood.

Some of the consequences to use in disciplining disrespectful teens include:

Loss of privileges: A cell phone is a privilege, not a right, as is use of the car and time with friends. While it's handy for teens to have a cell phone or a car, it's not a necessity. (Parents need to remember that we only need to provide necessities, not luxuries.) While time with friends is great for bonding strong friendships, it is also not a necessary component of life. If the teen is continually disrespectful, taking away these privileges sends a strong message to the adolescent. Some privileges that can be taken away include:

1. Car

2. Cell phone

3. Late curfew

4. Computer time

5. Excursions with friends

In fact, it was a little over a year ago when I had to do the very same thing with my own teenager. In exchange for her offense, I parked her car at my office for a week and shuttled her to where she needed to be. The fact that I had to drive her to school and back, and that she had to use a pay phone to call from there when she was a senior impressed upon her that my rules had to be adhered to.

Signing up the offender for community service: There are many charitable organizations that are in dire need of help. One of the consequences to continued disrespectfulness could be a short one-day trip to the local food bank, soup kitchen, animal shelter or children's hospital. Make sure you contact the agency in advance in order to get an okay for volunteering your teen for the workday. Then drive the teenager down to the agency and introduce them to their community service.

Writing an essay: This has worked in my case. After some offenses, my children have already written an apology before I even asked for one. In other cases, I gave them an assignment to complete an essay in 500 words or more. Some of the topics I used were "Why I Should Have a Car", "Why I Should Continue to Go to School at XXX", and "My List of Consequences for Being Disrespectful." Getting the sentiments on paper seems to cement what your ideals with your child. In fact, I still have some of these essays!

Money: If your teen gets an allowance, tie the amount of money to the incidents of disrespect. For each inappropriate comment, take off $1. If need be, get a chart and mark down the comments as they happen. (I highly recommend this, because you will forget!) On the flip side, reward the child if they do something extraordinarily positive. Again, I had cards made up giving credits for good behavior that would cancel out any demerits for bad. At the end of the week, we totaled them up. This will work with young teens the best.

Boot Camp: For the hard core child who just doesn't get that respect is part of the fabric of the community, it may be necessary to send a child to boot camp. Boot camps offer the parents short-term results by scaring the teen "straight" and providing a wake up call to the teen informing them of their bad behavior and the consequences of it. If the parent is considering this route, don't just threaten it. Make sure you thoroughly investigate the type of boot camps in your area, and do so with your teen. Your child needs to know that if they cannot control their disrespect, this will be a consequence. Should the parent decide to raise the bar to the boot camp level, make certain that there is follow through. Threatening this as a consequence but not following through sends the wrong message to your teen.

In addition, parents should monitor the influences that directly relate to the teen. These include magazines, TV and movies. In many cases, the media glorifies teenage disrespect by portraying teens as such. Watch the movies and TV programs that your child likes, and after viewing, discuss the behaviors with your teen. Point out the positive behaviors as well as the negative ones. Make sure you keep up with your child on the Internet. Minor children should not be allowed to run loose online for many reasons. Monitor your child's MySpace or Facebook accounts, and keep tabs on their friends' accounts as well. Make sure you keep the dialog between you and your teen's school open. Know the administrators and teachers, and discuss any problems with disrespect with them. It is entirely possible for a teen to be disrespectful only at home and to behave like a perfect angel at school.

If your child doesn't improve, by all means, enlist the help of your physician or a trained psychologist. Parents can use all the help they can get!

(I am not a psychologist, but I have raised two children. These are the common sense strategies that I used with them.)