A Survival Guide to Horror Movies, Part I

We sit, in the safety of a darkened theatre or at home, snuggled up in our favorite spot, and watch the story of the horror movie before us. We try to guess what's going to happen, bracing ourselves for the next scene, where yet another victim suffers at the hands of the killer/animal/paranormal being, and we shudder...hopefully over the scare factor, but more probably due to the stupidity of the actor or actress. Who goes UP the stairs for safety? Why explore the creepy basement without a flashlight AND a weapon? Quit falling down and run, fool! No wonder that character is toast!

Though horror movies have been around for many years now, the formula still remains the same. It's usually a psycho lunatic, or a crazed monster, or maybe an evil spirit, who seeks revenge, or has a thirst for blood, or is possessed with the need to kill, and goes after a group of young people, murdering most of them in the most ridiculous manner, and predictably, some silly woman gets her exaggerated death scene where she almost makes it out alive, or does...until the unavoidable sequel. The "Scream" trilogy explored this taboo subject, making fun of horror films within a horror film. Circulating the net is a list of rules on how to survive a scary movie. Since the witching hour will soon be upon us, here are a few of the guidelines once more. (Note: these tips are purely for entertainment purposes only. While most suggestions may be applied to real life, the rules are drastically different in the horror genre.)

Never read a book of spells, dark magic or demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Also, it's probably not a good idea to solve puzzles that open portals to the other world or to Hell. While literacy helps empower you by becoming well-informed and puzzles are a great way to exercise the brain, it's advisable to stay away from spell books and magical puzzles that may be...oh, what's the word?...evil. You would think this is all common sense, but as shown through experience in horror movies, and life in general, common sense is NOT all that common.

Say you're minding your own business when all of a sudden you hear a screech, a boom, a crash, and you have the bright idea of looking for the source of the terrifying noise. If you can't locate the origin, or have come to the only 'logical' conclusion that it must have been the cat/dog/squirrel, then run. FAST.

Do not go searching a house, especially the basement, if the power has just gone out. Another no-brainer. Think to yourself, why has the electricity left you in complete darkness? Is there a thunderstorm going on outside? Was someone using the hairdryer and a fuse blew out? Possibly, but not likely. If you're in a horror movie, you better believe some serious crap is about to go down. Good advice: get a flashlight, a weapon, a phone AND a crew to go with you downstairs. Best advice: get out...while you still can.

Which reminds me, when you have the benefit of numbers, never, EVER pair off or go alone. The saying 'safety in numbers' is not just a precautionary old wives' tale. It's true. Stay together. As a matter of fact, if anyone in your group even suggests that you split up, get rid of them. That little instigator will get himself, you and others killed, or is hoping to capture you for torture later on. Cut your losses, and cut them loose. The same holds true if your buddy suddenly becomes fascinated with blood, develops glowing eyes, hisses, is foaming at the mouth or has a five o'clock shadow...all the time.

Children are so precious. They have that cherubic look and innocent demeanor that make everyone enchanted by them. However, if you seem to notice that they can communicate with the other world, have the ability to control things through telekinesis, or perhaps they manage to sneak up on you without a sound...steer clear of them. Give them up for adoption, leave them in a grocery store, or move to a community that doesn't allow anyone under the age of 13. And, if the barber mentions to you the odd birth marks on your child's neck in the shape of '666,' abandon them at the shop and hope Angelina Jolie comes by to adopt him.

Furthermore, if your kids begin speaking to you in Latin or any other language that they shouldn't know, forget the specialists and shoot them in the head. The same goes for vocal tricks. If out of the blue little Susie, who normally sounds like a chipmunk, speaks in a deep, troubling baritone, spewing religious rhetoric and you haven't been to a church or temple in a long while, sacrifice them. You can always procreate another child, but not if you're dead. Warning: this may be difficult, as children are cute and will probably turn on the extra charm as you're about to end their life. It's a last minute resort to let your guard down before the tables get turned. Brush it off and do it anyway.

Clowns are bad news. Their purpose is not to give you a Happy Meal, twist balloons into animal shapes or even teach you how to crunk. In a horror film, they have razor sharp teeth and ill-will against any and every one who comes across their path. Keep away or the joke will be on you.

Most times in a scary movie, you are given sage warnings from people who may seem one step away from the insane asylum. You might think they're crazy and if you do, you'll be kicking yourself later. If the locals say the woods are haunted, a neighbor tells you not to fall asleep, or a trusted friend warns to not watch a videocassette that causes you die seven days later, take heed and listen to them!

Do not under any circumstances hike in spooky woods supposedly haunted by a witch, even if you think you're prepared. You may have a tent, food, water, boots, a compass, a cell phone, a back-up cell phone, Onstar, a detailed, glow in the dark laminated map, an attack dog, and a large group of wilderness experts with you, but rest assured, you STILL won't be ready to take on whatever conditions lie in wait.

Should you be traveling and stumble upon a quaint little town that looks deserted or abandoned, it's probably for a reason. This rustic village is a death trap waiting to happen. Slam on the gas, and keep on going. If you have to use the bathroom, need to grab something to eat, or just want to explore the desolate town, you deserve what you get. Think Sammy Hagar, and repeat, 'I can't drive 55,' as you speed away to a major populated area.

Side note: Beware of local law enforcement. While everyone should respect authority, if you get pulled over by a toothless, creepy, mountain of a sheriff who asks you to step out of your vehicle, that's about the time you might want to take your chances and play fugitive.

For more tips on surviving a horror movie, see "A Survival Guide to Horror Movies, Part II". Be safe and Happy Halloween!