A Survival Guide to Horror Movies, Part II

The following is Part II of guidelines to surviving a horror movie. Enjoy! (Note: these tips are purely for entertainment purposes only.)

Always keep a spare tank of gas with you. If this is not possible, make sure the tank is full before your road trip. If your car runs out of fuel or breaks down late at night, don't go to the nearby deserted looking house or the fabulous old mansion/castle on the hill. You're probably a sitting duck staying in the car until daylight, but your goose is definitely cooked if you go inside.

Any real estate agent will tell you that it's all about location, location, location. So, it's best to stay away from certain geographical areas, such as Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, or any small town in Maine. Additionally, if you're buying or renting a house that is built on, next door to, or within walking distance to sacred soil, whether it be a cemetery or an Indian burial ground, get out. And if you think a priest's blessing will protect you, think again. The holy father is often no match for the evil spirit(s) in horror movies. There's a strong chance Satan's offspring or the devil himself will find a way in; he always does, no matter what security system you have in place. The same holds true should your appliances take it upon themselves to operate without human assistance, electricity or battery power. Don't bother packing a bag; just get thee to the nearest hotel.

Speaking of accommodations, you're going to need to steer clear of the Bates Motel or the glorious Overlook Hotel. Though the rates or the view may be unbeatable, so will your fate. Take Bing Crosby's advice, and 'go to the Holiday Inn.'

Saying any variation of "I'll be right back," whether in a joking manner or in a serious conversation, is signing away your life. The advice is the same for asking "Who's there?" It doesn't matter who it is; you don't want to know.

Don't fool around with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing. Rashes and acne breakouts will be the least of your concerns.

The dumb, funny and attractive people never survive. Don't get too attached. It's for the best.

Avoid that pale sexy charmer with unusually long incisors and no mirror reflection, as well as the hairy guy with wolfish tendencies. One bite and you're done for. Others to avoid are the little man with the shamrock hat, the deformed large guy with the chainsaw fetish, and the extremely cultured psychiatrist with a penchant for raw food.

Sex = Death. Unfortunate, but true.

Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school. When she mysteriously wins prom queen and falls victim to a vicious joke of, say, pig's blood being dumped on her custom-made pink couture gown, she's gonna go berserk. Maybe you'll be shown mercy if you play nice.

NEVER EVER spy on the neighbors and get into their twisted world. Keep your nose out of other people's lives! You'll be sucked in, there'll be a misunderstanding, and just like that you're in peril. Mind your bees-wax.

For even more tips on surviving a horror movie, see "A Survival Guide to Horror Movies, Part III". Be safe and Happy Halloween!