A Survival Guide to Horror Movies, Part IV

The following is Part IV of guidelines to surviving a horror movie. Be safe! (Note: these tips are purely for entertainment purposes only.)

If you can't outrun the killer, and chances are slim that you would be able to anyway, find a GOOD hiding place. A closet is not an ideal spot to take cover, and neither is a meat factory nor the hull of a ship out to sea. Concealing yourself in an enclosed area with only one way in and out is just as good as standing still and waiting for the monster to take you down. And as you are trying to hide from the monster, do NOT make a sound. What's the point of hiding if you're going to give away your location by panting, screaming and crying? One more tip, going UPSTAIRS is not suggested. What exactly is your exit strategy here? Unless you're Bill Gates, Donald Trump or Oprah Winfrey and happen to have a helicopter at your beck and call on the roof, stay on the damn first floor.

NEVER get into a car without checking the backseat first. Good rule for real life, too.

Say you make it outside and are miles ahead of the maniac. Don't bother jumping into the nearest vehicle for an easy escape. You should know better by now. Even if the car is brand spanking new, it won't start. Yelling at it and turning the key frantically in the ignition isn't gonna help either. Though there may be a slim chance it could start at the last possible second, do you really want to wait around to see those odds through?

Never go back for any reason. Misplace your wallet or car keys? Has your boyfriend conspicuously gone missing? Did little Toto off and run away? Who knows and who cares! Consider them gone for good. As the saying goes, 'finders keepers,' and you don't want to find who's keeping your missing items.

When you do give in to the obvious and realize you're mere moments away from death, but stubbornness takes over, giving you the irrational idea that you could kick some ass...please choose your weapon wisely. A butter knife won't cut it, a chair is unwise, and throwing anything at the phenomenon is worthless if you miss. Get it right the first time because you might not get a second go 'round.

Never wait until you NEED the gun to check if it's loaded. Like the getaway car, it just won't work.

When it appears that you have killed the monster, murderer, psycho or animal, never, EVER check to see if it's really dead. Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Dracula, and any zombie ever, always manage to lull the less informed into a false sense of security. Use your head, for goodness' sakes! Aim for the brain, or run like hell.

NEVER EVER try to unmask the killer, even if you've sure he's dead. If you manage to see who it is behind the hysteria, his face will be the last you see.

If the names John Carpenter, Wes Craven or Stephen King appear in the credits of your movie, you're screwed.

When the inevitable happens, and let's face it, if you're in a horror movie, the inevitable WILL happen, it's helpful to have a few tips at hand to help you along the two hour massacre that's before you. Yet disasters will always occur. Despite these golden guidelines, if you do manage to be stabbed, chopped up, carved beyond recognition, shot, blasted into another dimension, possessed by evil and thrown out of a window, hit by a car, suffocated, choked, drowned, burned alive...basically dead as a door nail, try to do so in a low-budget gore-fest with a plot so full of holes it looks like Swiss cheese. That way, you can come back in the sequel, no questions asked! Happy Halloween!