A Telepathic Interview with Frank Mucci

Why must I rely on telepathy? Why not send Frank an email questionnaire or call him on the phone? Anyone who's been following the Roth-Mucci "war of witless words" knows that Frank and I share the same brain (but NOT the same body, thank God). We're kind of like Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger-remember in Twins how Arnold got all the "good" physical traits and Danny got all the leftover crap? Well, think of me as Arnold, but with a female body, no muscles, and no Austrian accent, with a touch of Jedi thrown in. Frank is Danny DeVito with a Chicago Cubs cap. Got it?

(If you haven't already, please read Frank's article, "Maria Roth: What is She and Where Did She Come From?" Then come right back and read this article. Or maybe you should simply avoid me and Frank from now on.)

I sent Frank all these interview questions telepathically, and he responded in kind. Sometimes his answers were disjointed sentence fragments; sometimes all I got was a whiff of cigar smoke and beer-breath; sometimes I heard elephant farts and evil gnome laughter in the background. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I did manage to extract a few semi-intelligent responses from Mr. Mucci.

Maria Roth: Thanks for agreeing to this interview.

Frank Mucci: Huh?

Maria Roth: THANKS FOR AGREEING TO THIS INTERVIEW!

Frank Mucci: Hehehehe. You poison anyone lately, Maria?

Maria Roth: I can't believe you told everyone about that.

Frank Mucci: You told everyone I got drunk with Kanye West!

Maria Roth: That's not exactly what I said...

Frank Mucci: Hey, it's cool. Kanye's here right now. Say somethin', Kanye.

Kanye West: Here's your coffee, sir.

Maria Roth: I know that's not Kanye West. It's Bubba, your evil gnome slave.

Frank Mucci: He's not evil anymore. Say something nice, Bubba.

Bubba: Something nice.

Maria Roth: Lame! Shut him up so we can do this interview.

Frank Mucci: Okay, I sent him out for more beer.

Maria Roth: That's better. Now, tell the good people on AC where you were born, and don't lie!

Frank Mucci: You're publishing this on AC?

Maria Roth: Yep. Everyone's expecting it.

Frank Mucci: I was born in the Australian outback in 1953. Mama was a kangaroo. Daddy was a koala-hunter.

Maria Roth: He killed koalas?

Frank Mucci: Yeah, but that was just for fun. He was a brain surgeon.

Maria Roth: He must've been really smart. I guess you take after your mother. So, how'd your dad meet your mom?

Frank Mucci: He thought she was a koala at first, 'cause she fell out of a eucalyptus tree, but when he saw that she was actually a retarded kangaroo, it was love at first sight.

Maria Roth: A kangaroo...

Frank Mucci: A retarded kangaroo.

Maria Roth: Go on.

Frank Mucci: Daddy taught her to walk, not hop, and he shaved her and had her tail removed. Then he met a cute nurse at the hospital and one thing led to another, and I was born on the beach. I almost drowned. The nurse ran off 'cause Daddy was a jerk, and the kangaroo raised me. I rode around in her pouch for the first five weeks of my life. So the kangaroo isn't my biological mother, but she's the one I send Christmas cards to. She's "Mama."

Maria Roth: You're lying.

Frank Mucci: Am not!

Maria Roth: I can read your mind. I know when you're lying. Admit it: the nurse was not cute. Not even close. She looked exactly like Danny DeVito, but with more facial hair.

Frank Mucci: I can read your mind, too. You're out of duct tape and mayonnaise, and out of money, and Don and Mickey are spending all their free time with Allene. I feel for ya, baby.

Maria Roth:Howwoooooooooooooooooo!...Excuse me...How, howwooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Frank Mucci: Calm down. Everything'll be okay.

Maria Roth: Sometimes I can't help it. I forget that I'm not living in a cave with wolves anymore...I forget that I'm a respected writer, and all I want to do is howl and lick my hands and scratch at the fleas in my hair. And I miss Gene Simmons so much! You have no idea, Frank! Once you've been with Gene, there's no going back to mortal men...

Frank Mucci: I have been with Gene, and I know exactly what you mean.

Maria Roth: Is Bubba back yet? Drink one of those beers for me, okay? You know I can't.

Frank Mucci: I've already had seven beers for you.

Maria Roth: Aw, that's sweet.

Frank Mucci: Bubba wants you to know that he's plotting to kill you.

Maria Roth: Isn't he always?

Frank Mucci: He read your book.

Maria Roth: Oh, so it's serious, then. I'll mail him a refund.

Frank Mucci: He says, "No, thanks. Killing her will be more fun."

Maria Roth: Jeez. He really is evil.

Frank Mucci: I can command him to stop.

Maria Roth: So why don't you?

Frank Mucci: Because you're the best humor writer on AC. A thousand times funnier than me. I'm sorry, but the only way to increase my page views is to take you out and steal all your fans.

Maria Roth: I had no idea you were so ruthless.

Frank Mucci: Yeah, well, you should've known. Maybe our "telepathic connection" isn't as reliable as you thought!

Maria Roth: I'll miss these "talks" of ours.

Frank Mucci: You know what? I won't!

Maria Roth: Do I have time for one last question?

Frank Mucci: Sure. Bubba's still rounding up murder supplies.

Maria Roth: What will you write about when I'm gone?

Frank Mucci: Amish friendship bread, of course.

Maria Roth: You're an idiot.

Bubba: We're out of mayonnaise, Master!

Frank Mucci: SH*T! I guess you'll have to kill her tomorrow then.

Maria Roth: This is the last time I write an article about you, Frank Herbert Bartholomew "Squishy Buns" Mucci!

Frank Mucci: I gotta go. Gene Simmons and Kanye West just showed up.

Maria Roth: No fair! I wanna party with Gene and Kanye!

Frank Mucci: Stop being such a crybaby, Maria.

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A Note to My Readers--

Have you all had enough? Are you thoroughly confused and disgusted? It's all Frank's fault! Here are all the articles that led up to this article. Let's go re-read them together! What a brilliant idea! We're smarter than Frank's brain-surgeon, koala-killing father!

Was This Helpful? I Hope Not!
What to Do When Frank Mucci Steals Your AC Article Idea
Maria Roth: What is She and Where Did She Come From?

Did you all hear that Audrey's in remission? YES! I appreciate your continued thoughts and prayers. She still has over two years of treatment ahead of her. Right now, she's doing well. :)