A Temperate Proposal, Or "Kill the Whales to Save the World"

Of late, rich and poor alike have exhibited a concern for a slow but sure increase in worldwide temperature. This "global warming," as it is called by its staunchest professors, is doomed to ruin our earth, destroy ecosystems, and ultimately lead to the end of the human race.

Thousands of popular icons scream: "Humans have caused global warming (Roach) (Gore) (BBC)!" Since most governmental and religious codes prohibit it, killing humans is not a workable method of controlling our atmosphere's temperature (Wilson) (Murder). However, using a technique I shall refer to as "global cooling," we can reverse global warming in such a way that only a small number of people will be negatively affected. The enforcement of global cooling will not require people to give up their automobiles, airplanes, or power sources. This "cooling" will simplify people's lives by eliminating the need for constant employment and increasing the supply of nutritive food while removing the temperature pollution emitted by warm-bodied thermal polluters. Simply put, the way to stop global warming is by turning down the global thermostat.

One of the fundamental principles of physics is that work releases heat. Therefore, a most simple deduction gives us the first solution to global warming: We must stop working so hard! After the majority quit their jobs, large buildings-those requiring the largest and hottest heaters-will no longer release heat into the atmosphere. The air surrounding the largest buildings in town is always hotter than the air above the suburban or rural areas of a city (see Figure 1) (NASA). Therefore, I propose shutting down all large buildings: office buildings, schools, banks, prisons, apartment complexes, and especially hospitals, which are notorious for trying to keep an internal temperature of 8°F more than most homes (Balaras, Dascalaki and Gaglia).

If the majority of people will quit their mundane jobs, they will require less food. During the initial stages of implementation, many people would become instant couch potatoes; however, with evolution against them, this lazy subspecies should, through arterial blockage, quickly become extinct, leaving the leaner humans to inherit the earth. This metabolically sound race of humans should require only one meal per day, reducing demand for food-processing plants and farms. Sleep would make up a larger percentage of the daily timetable, and, since less heat is required when sleeping, thermostats could be lowered to 40°F during sleeping hours to keep temperatures low in the suburbs (Caselman and Eubank).

I know a family who sets their thermostat at 50°F, up to 27°F cooler than the current average room temperature (U.S. Metric Association). At roughly the time they began lowering their thermostat, the father nobly quit his job, although he humbly claims he was merely "laid off." The air surrounding their home is practically unaffected by their unobtrusive lifestyle. Recently, more Americans have been experiencing freedom from jobs, and the rest of us have been reaping the benefits. A headline in today's newspaper triumphantly declares, "Unemployment to increase until 2010 (Bracken)." May we hope for such a bright future!

It has been shown that the upper 1000 ft of the earth's oceans-where marine mammals dwell-is 60°F warmer than the water just 1000 ft below. Below 2000 feet, the change is significantly less dramatic (see Figure 2) (Windows Team). Since the ban on whaling in 1985, sea mammal numbers have risen dramatically (International Whaling Commission). In the same time, sea temperatures have begun rising more rapidly, warmed by the bodies of these warm-blooded sea creatures (National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration). Whales maintain a body temperature of about 99°F (Microsoft Corporation)! "Save the Whales!" is the cry from anti-global-cooling activists; however, we cannot lower ocean temperatures with the whaling ban in effect. Reinvigorating the whaling industry, which has been highly neglected in the past 20⁺ years, would not only decrease maritime temperatures, but the meat from these mammals-and couch potatoes-could also feed nations long enough to take the global temperature back to a comfortable level.

In its latest (incomplete) estimates, the International Whaling Committee estimates a minimum of 1,222,000 whales (International Whaling Commission). Each average-sized whale can provide 11 tons of low-calorie, low-cholesterol, high-protein, omega-3-rich meat (Suzuki) (Pew Whale Commission). That's enough to feed the entire United States population their single daily meal for more than 170 days (Central Intelligence Agency) (Norwegian Whale Meat Recipes)! Furthermore, a single whale yields tons of oil that could be used to keep our homes at 50°F (Balankura).

Carrying out this proposal of global cooling would indeed be very simple. Any astute reader will instantly see the benefits that whaling and joblessness could have on our environment. Oceanic and atmospheric temperatures would drop, and, because global cooling will not require new-fangled technology or painstaking and expensive industrial changes, tax rates would also plummet. Overall, the results are only favorable: Less work will yield more results, and killing the whales will save the world!