A Texan Guide to British Slang

I have friends from across the pond. Conservative friends in hiding on that glorious island surrounded by the EU Bolsheviks. Over the years we've had our share of misunderstandings, and in every case it's been because I took offense to something they said.

Well, it just ain't got the same meaning over yonder as it has here, Pilgrim.

So, to assist my fellow Texans in understanding what their friends on the isle of Merry Ol' England are saying, I've written the following Texan's Guide to British Slang, and while it is intended to help my fellow Texans, I'm sure my British friends will find it "brill amusing":

Arse - This does not mean that your buddy in England is sharing something with you, as in, "What's yours, mine, and arse." It basically means the southbound end of a northbound mule.
Example: "Get your arse off my property and stop hanging about here to smoke your fag." (see definition for fag below according to alphabetical order)

Ass - It actually means entire donkey over there, as opposed to referencing one end or the other.
Example: "You have the cart in front of the ass."

Barmy - Loony, crazy, 5150, off your rocker, insane, etc. We have many colorful methods of describing someone with a screw loose. The British just like to say "Barmy". Apparently they have to say this so often when they are talking to Texans they find having one short word for it increases their efficiency and saves loads of time.
Example: "Bush is a barmy cowboy"

Belt up - No, this isn't an instruction to a rapper who's pants are hanging in defiance of gravity about his knees. It means "shut yor trap" in Texan.
Example: "Belt up or I'll put me fag out in your eye!"

Biggie - This is not what you order when you want an extra large order of fries. It's the English children's equivalent to the Texan bambino's 'number two'.
Example: "Excuse me, Mum, I'm off to the loo with an iminent biggie."

Bodge - While us Texans are apt to say "southern engineered" or "put together with duct tape and bailing wire", the British will simply bodge it.
Example: "Just bodge it and if it outlasts the warranty who cares what happens to the poor git who got it after that."

Bottle - You would expect this meant a container for Glenmorangie in England, since it would be a container for Jack Daniels here. Over there, it means gumption or courage, for you educated Texans.
Example: "He had enough bottle to tell his wife 'dust' when she asked what was on the telly."

Cobblers - This isn't a fruity dessert commonly topped with ice cream, like 'peach cobblers'. This is junk, rubbish, or garbage.
Example - "That lorry was hauling a load of cobblers, and now it's all over me front garden! Guess I'll have a fag while I wait for 'em to pick up the rubbish."

Cracking - This is a good thing, as opposed to the plaster on the sheet rock walls falling apart as your foundation settles into the east Texas blackland clay. For some reason, the British have decided 'cracking' means the absolute best.
Example: "Wyatt Earp did a cracking job of busting heads."

Diddle - In Texas, this is a sort of heavy petting. Back in Merry Ol' England it's not that fun. It means you got cheated.
Example: "I was diddled out of three fags today by smokers who refuse to buy their own." (don't worry, we'll get to the definition of 'fag' soon...)

Fag - (see, I told you we'd get to this one!) Typically a cigarette. Sometimes a chunk of wood you throw on the fire. This is one of the biggies (Texan biggie, not British slang biggie) that causes more impromptu rugby matches (AKA fist fights). My British friend and I had a right proper row over him asking me if I felt like a fag one day. We were mad at each other until we sorted out the misunderstanding, then we went to the local pub and got pissed to get over being angry (remind me to let you know what 'pissed' means in British slang...)
Example: "Let's go outside for a fag."

Well, that's A through F; and surprisingly, most of the words that cause impromptu rugby matches between Texans and their British mates.