A Theory on Time Travel

For those of you out there who are skeptics of time travel, carefully consider the following. If I count out loud at exact one second intervals, I am able to propel time forward by one second for every number I count. For example, if I count to three in this manner, I have successfully transported myself into the future three full seconds from the time I began.

If then I have this power over forward motion, it stands to reason that I hold this same power over reverse motion. Hence, all that is required to travel into the past is to count aloud backward at exact one second intervals. If one wishes to go back in time a full minute, he or she must simply begin at a count of sixty and count backward until reaching one, and voila - one minute into the past.

Although the theory is perfectly sound, practical tests have been less than convincing. The problem lies in the fact that as one begins the count backward, at the exact moment he or she reaches the next number down (one second having elapsed), the subject is transported in time back exactly one second and arrives right where he or she began; thus negating both the forward second and the backward, resulting in a net time of zero. Since in that zero moment, the test subject had not yet begun, it is impossible to continue the downward sequence (after all that would be skipping numbers). The only thing he or she can do is begin at the start (note that I do not say begin again because in the zero moment they had never started before).

This is further complicated by the fact that the individual has no memory of having started (again, because they have not done so), and therefore may become stuck in this loop until they ultimately decide not to begin at all. There is no real way to record how long a person has been stuck in a loop like this, since time is for all intensive purposes paused, but energy is nonetheless expended at a rate equal to the effort it takes to count one number. Consequently, one can hypothesize that whenever you feel suddenly tired or exhausted for no apparent reason, it is most likely because you have tried to transport yourself into the past and became stuck in one of these space-time loops for an indefinite period of time. This also explains why people die at times without any apparent cause. I believe it also explains phenomenon such as the depletion of the ozone layer and the existence of Chihuahuas.

As a disclaimer, I warn the wary reader - Do not to try this at home.