A Totalitarian Comedy

"Most people read George Orwell as a nightmare; I read his books as a prescription for good government. Hi - my name is Bill Weasel, AKA the government guy in control. Right now, we're busy installing cameras inside your toilet to make sure that we know everything about you. We sent out 5 guys last week to place an RFID microchip in the form of a suppository in your poodle. Oh - don't worry - we've got the pooch covered. Peeping Toms never had it so good!

"How are we going to pay for all of this? Oh don't bother me with that. What do you think I am, some sort of cheap detective? No expense is to be spared in the administration of control freak government - I mean, good government. I must admit that surveillance intrigues me; it gives me this warm desire to know more about you. It's so gratifying!

"In fact, we've got the engineers at the state labs working on a hat with a little camera on the front that is directed back at the wearer. That way, we can sit in our government offices and watch everybody constantly.

"Everyone will be receiving a new number in addition to the social security number. That way, if anyone forgets his or her social, we'll have another way of tracking him or her. How unscrupulous to "forget" the social number! Well, now everybody will have two numbers.

"Video cameras at every traffic light? They're a must! Fingerprint stations on every block? That's our goal. RFID chips in every handheld electronic device? That would be grand!

"Taxes? We've got more of them. You won't have a cent to maneuver - we'll dry up every penny. No money leftover to lobby the Congress, that's for sure!

"There's nothing like sitting in my oval monitoring room with its 4200 surveillance monitors, behind double locked steel doors, with complete security. I've got some of the cameras focused on other cameras so I can double the total number of monitor feeds, so I can watch, watch, watch. Oh - I feel so safe!

"Paranoid? Why would you call me paranoid?"