A Transsexual Woman's Apology to the Christian Right

A couple of Years ago, Jerry Falwell (Once Hustler Magazine's A-hole of the year) did the world a favor by revealing the sexual preference of a teletubbie... namely, the purple one, named Tinkie WInkie. Then, not long afterwards, Dr. James Dobson outed Spongebob Squarepants as a "homo-sexual" character....and was quite awful about it. Recently Everyone's favorite pot bellied bear in a half shirt, sans pants, Winnie the Pooh was outed as well.

This is my response:

Dear Christian right,
We in the gay and lesbian, bi-sexual and transgendered community wish to convey our serious apologies for offending you with our agenda of tolerance. We now understand that we are intolerable. We should have learned our lesson when Mr. Falwell figured out our "agenda" in regards to Teletubbie Tinky Winky. Now, we have been caught again with the adventures of Sponge Bob, and now with WInnie the Pooh. We are simply not capable of waging war against Christians when there are such tough leaders like Dr Dobson in the mix. So, we give up. We will now fall in line and do our best to take away all signs of possible homosexual influence from society. Please accept our apologies for making life so difficult for you thus far. From now on, we will dress ourselves only in then most uncomfortable burlap sacks and we will use a pan and stick to announce our presence while shouting the word "unclean" so that you may protect yourself and your children from us. We ask that you would be so kind as to throw us some table scraps again, as we will have to lose our jobs in order to comply with your wishes for a "homo-free" society.

Effective immediately, we will do our best to destroy the hair dressing industry, the florist industry, all fields of architecture, and for sure antiques. Furthermore, we will do our best to shut down any operation that has anything to do with fashion, "fine arts" or interior decorating. These sorts of industries seem to lend themselves to employment opportunities for gay people and where gay people congregate, the devil is afoot. We will leave it to you which buildings you choose to tear down, as undoubtedly, most of modern architecture has been constructed with the gay agenda in mind, and we wouldn't want to see an uprising in future generations that could be subliminally affect the sexuality of those generations. On that note, anything that smacks of individuality or artistic endeavor should be destroyed and we will do our best to aid you in assimilating all to a common style of dress, activity and behavior. You win. This is a great day for Christianity.

While we will undoubtedly have to close down all gyms, one thing does bother us…. The huge number of fat people in society. Those gluttonous people have actually been known to feed fatty foods to their children…proliferating their sin to future generations. McDonalds Corporation. And indeed, all fast food and dessert joints must be closed in order to bring people into compliance with Gods' will concerning moderation. We think maybe you could ask God for manna… cuz we are apparently not capable as humanity (our apology for including ourselves in the word "humanity") of creating a healthy diet free of gluttony. In either case, this new attack against gluttony may not be popular with the reverend Falwell, but let's face it, society cannot abide sin, and must be ever vigilant in the pursuit of righteousness. Mr. Falwell must either comply with God's will or else be excommunicated. In the meanwhile, despite our surrender, we are still sinful and therefore, we suggest that once you eradicate fat people from the planet, that you gouge our eyes out lest we be tempted back into our evil homosexual ways and homosexual agenda.

Please don't allow Mr. Falwell to Bring up that pesky little "grace" concept when you go after the fat people and their "fat people agenda". It's all a ruse. If he disagrees, simply remind the Reverend, that the terrible influential sin of gluttony is mentioned 10 times more in the Bible than homosexuality. That must make it 10 times as important to deal with. Also, not to be nit picky, but you may want to check Dr Dobson's clothing. I saw a picture of him recently where it appeared he was wearing clothing that was a blending of materials. According to Deuteronomy 22, this polyblend agenda MUST be squelched… and men must once again wear tassels. Make sure they are manly tassels though. We wouldn't want to see anyone influenced towards homosexuality as a result of tassels that are too "fruity". Also, because so many gay men will be without lovers, those who do want to be made clean..."healed of their homosexuality" will be instructed in the ways of the bible, especially the part in Deuteronomy 22:28-29 where it says that if a man rapes a single woman that he can pay her father 50 shekels of silver and then marry her, but that he can never divorce her (Lucky girl). Once again, Holy scripture has made a way for "ex-gay" men to live in the glory of redemption, by finding brides...proof that they really have repented. Glory be. One question. Is the new Israeli Shekel considered a shekel of Silver? Or is there an updated monetary form with which they should be paying. If you can get back to us on that, we would appreciate it.

In any case, once again, you have our compliance. God bless you for your vigilance. Jesus may not have come into the world to condemn the world, and he may have reserved all of his admonishments for religious people, but what did HE know??? Just kidding... of course he knew he wasnt needed in world condemnation, cuz He knew you'd be around. Thank GOD for Christians like you. If they were all like Jesus, sinners would just sin sin sin, and the church would be in tatters (no doubt as the result of some LUNATIC turning over pews and throwing the offering plates through the window shouting stupid stuff about his "father's house" and all) . Thank GOD, you are so vigilant in your condemnation for unclean heathens like me and my kind.

Sincerely,
Tiffany Amanda Love
The Alliance for the Proliferation of the Godless Agenda of Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals and Transgendered people *

*(the word "people" meant in jest of course)