A Traveler's Guide to Places I've Never Visited: The Grand Canyon

It is the second biggest hole in America (behind Courtney Love) and ranks as the second most visited hole in America (again, Courtney Love). I am, of course, referring to the Grand Canyon-our first stop on a visit to places I have never been before.

You are probably wondering why I am writing about the Grand Canyon when I've never actually visited this famous landmark. That is the same question I had for my publisher when they asked me to write a series of articles upon which The Travel Channel will base a new series. They said it came down to a dollars and cents decision for the cable station and they found that I was by far their cheapest option-seeing as how I'm not actually getting paid for writing this crap.

You may also wonder why I have never visited the Grand Canyon since it is one of the top tourist attractions in America. For health reasons, I am not allowed to travel. My doctor told me too much movement could cause me to experience extreme muscle activity that could in turn cause extreme muscle pain. Since I'm not a big fan of pain, I smoke a lot of dope and traveling for me has become little more than going from my recliner to the fridge to get a beer. In fact, I usually fill a large cooler in order to minimize the number of trips I have to take. I always listen to my doctor.

Anyway, in order to satisfy my bosses, here is a list of little known facts about the hole Kurt Cobain probably should have married.

Little Known Fact #1

The Grand Canyon was originally called "Łáá'íí Łizhiní Asdzání," which is Navajo Indian for "That big-ass fuckin' hole in the ground."

Little Known Fact #2

Though no one knows for sure who first discovered the Grand Canyon, historians believe it was probably some poor unsuspecting bastard who plunged thousands of feet to his death.

Little Known Fact #3

How grand is the Grand Canyon? In a recent poll asking Americans which canyon is the grandest, the Grand Canyon ranked third behind thin crust pizza and American Idol. This poll confirmed recent findings that Americans who respond to polls are usually pretty goddamn stupid.

Little Known Fact #4

The bodies of actresses Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon have never been found.

Little Known Fact #5

Little Known Fact #6

Little Known Fact #5 is so little known that it is invisible to the naked eye.

Little Known Fact #7

Editor's note: Little Known Fact numbers 5 and 6 represent nothing more than a desperate attempt by the author to fill space in this article because he is too goddamn drunk, stoned and lazy to do any actual research. We apologize.

Little Known Fact #8

Before moving to the warmer climate of Arizona, the Grand Canyon was located in Newark, New Jersey and went by the name "Vinnie the Hole." OK, I have to admit I made that one up. I'm extremely bored with this entire project and I'm just looking for anything that will hold my interest.

Little Known Fact #9

The Grand Canyon is a favorite hangout for strippers. I made this one up too. Once again I'm just looking for something to hold my interest-and nothing holds my interest better than the idea of a bunch of strippers posing for pictures in front of a big hole in the ground.

Little Known Fact #10

Many little known facts about the Grand Canyon are not yet known.

Little Known Fact #11

There aren't as many little known facts about the Grand Canyon as one might think. In fact, most of the facts are widely known. For instance, nearly every American knows that the Grand Canyon is nothing more than a big hole in the ground that is for some strange reason considered a tourist attraction. Every year, millions of tourists-apparently having already visited all the interesting places in the world-flock to see the big hole in the ground. Then they come home and excitedly tell all their friends, "You gotta go see the big hole in the ground!"

To these people I say: You gotta go see your doctor!

And I highly recommend buying a large cooler.