A Traveler's Guide to Places I've Never Visited: Mt. Rushmore

Seeing as how because of my unparalleled writing skills I have been commissioned to produce a series of articles for prospective travelers, I thought it would be a good idea to actually start checking out some of the places I will be writing about (yes, I know you never end a sentence with a preposition, but I don't give a crap). Unfortunately, I am currently under house arrest as I await trial for charges of running a drug and prostitution ring. Apparently it's illegal to make a living providing cocaine and whores to the public. Who knew? Anyway, it pains me to tell you that this article will not be based on firsthand experience but will instead be another collection of made up crap about a place I've never visited.

In this edition of A Traveler's Guide, we will take a look at what is believed to be the only reason they bothered putting roads in South Dakota. That, of course, is Mt. Rushmore-the most famous of all mountains that have faces of presidents carved into them. Below you will find some little known facts about Mt. Rushmore that will make you look like an expert when you visit the famous landmark. Feel free to print this handy guide and bring it with you-maybe even make a bunch of copies. Then when you and the people around you are done looking at the amazing carvings of four of our greatest presidents and you all realize you are stuck in South Dakota and wondering, "Now what the hell do we do?" You can pull out a big stack of copies of this guide and pass them around to everyone. They make great paper airplanes!

Little Known Fact #1

Many historians conclude that, had Abraham Lincoln's head actually been 67 feet tall and made of granite, it is unlikely the tiny bullet from John Wilkes Booth's derringer would have caused enough damage to kill our most beloved president. It is believed Booth would have needed a jackhammer, several sticks of dynamite and perhaps even a bulldozer to do the job.

Little Known Fact #2

The leftmost of the four heads comprising Mt. Rushmore bears such a striking resemblance to former first lady Barbara Bush that her son ex-President George W. Bush-unable to recall the name of the famous sculpture-once referred to it as "that mountain with my mommy and those guys."

Little Known Fact #3

In a recent poll of Americans, Mt. Rushmore ranked number one among mountains with faces on them. Finishing a close second was Aretha Franklin.

Little Known Fact #4

Mt. Rushmore was sculpted by a man named Gutzon Borglum, who in another recent poll was named the second greatest producer of head in any one location. In first place was porn actress Jenna Jameson.

Little Known Fact #5

Borglum originally wanted to add the face of bachelor President James Buchanan-rumored to be a little light in the loafers-to his sculpture, but was overwhelmingly voted down by the other four presidents. George Washington reportedly threatened to storm off the mountain. "I'm not sharing face time with that goddamn pillow biter! Clinton? Sure. JFK? Absolutely! Those are real men-not that drag queen Buchanan!" he bellowed.

Little Known Fact #6

Undeterred by Washington's homophobic rant, Borglum got the last laugh sculpting Buchanan's head on the backside of the mountain-an appropriate place indeed.

Little Known Fact #7

South Dakota is an actual state! I didn't know that and I just wanted to share that information with you. No charge.

Little Known Fact #8

As impressive as Mt. Rushmore is, had it been a river instead of a mountain, most historians agree Borglum's task would have proved far more difficult. Just a little something to think about.

Little Known Fact #9

If you take the presidents in order of which they appear on the mountain (left to right) and reverse it, they come out to be Lincoln, Roosevelt, Jefferson and Washington. Can you tell I'm getting a little bored? You probably are too. Hang in there-I'm sure the next little known fact will be a stunner.

Little Known Fact #10

No, not so much.

Little Known Fact #11

Here's a stunner for you! Jefferson carried on an intense love affair with Martha Washington while the general was off fighting the Revolutionary War. Many years later, Martha wrote in her memoirs of her many encounters with the well-endowed TJ and that he showed her all men are NOT created equal. I made it up, but if it were true, it would be a real stunner, wouldn't it?

Well, it's pretty obvious I've run out of stuff, so I think I'll stop right here. There are probably a lot more little known facts about Mt. Rushmore, but I'd have to actually do some research to discover what they are. And we all know that-unless naked chicks with low IQs are involved-I don't do research.

Join us again for the next installment of A Traveler's Guide when-assuming I am still under house arrest-I will make up more crap about a place I've never visited. Like a church or something.