A Traveler's Guide to Places I've Never Visited: The Great Wall of China

I've done a lot of traveling in my life. I've traveled to the kitchen many times to grab a beer. I've traveled regularly to the bathroom to get rid of my beer. Then I've traveled back to the kitchen to get more beer. And every night, I've traveled to the bedroom to slip into a coma after having too many beers. Occasionally, I actually leave my house and travel to a bar. And each of those places I've traveled to have one thing in common-they have walls. To me that's never been a big deal, but apparently walls are something special in China because I hear they have a great one that lots of people travel thousands of miles to see.

Why the hell anyone would travel thousands of miles to see a wall is beyond me, but I read online that around ten million people visit the Great Wall of China each year. That's about ten million more visitors than your average wall gets, so we must not be talking about an average wall. If they serve beer there, I might have to check it out myself, but until then, I'll settle for reading this wonderful travel guide I've put together. I had a chance to skim through it a little earlier and it looks pretty interesting. Especially Little Known Fact #5, which surprised the hell out of me. I guess you learn something new every day.

Anyway, read along with me and we can learn all about the Great Wall of China together. I'll get the beer.

Little Known Fact #1

The original plans called for a white picket fence. But after carefully reading the association bylaws, the engineers discovered that the only acceptable building materials were stone, brick and mud.

Little Known Fact #2

There was an effort during the Qing Dynasty to spruce up the Great Wall with beautiful floral-patterned wallpaper. Nearly 350 miles into the ambitious project, further work was delayed due to "The Great Wallpaper Paste Famine of 1742." It wasn't until 50 years later that the paper-weathered and peeling-was completely stripped from the wall and replaced with a tasteful-and far less costly-plaid border.

Little Known Fact #3

Before the wall was built, a poll revealed that nearly 40% of Chinese citizens believed the project would be a monumental waste of money and preferred the funds be used for a universal health care program.

Little Known Fact #4

Due to a phonetic misunderstanding, the London-based company commissioned to print the giant billboard welcoming visitors to the dedication of the wall misprinted the sign, which read, "Rercome to The Glate Raw of China!"

Little Known Fact #5

Every May 5th, a mariachi band plays La Bamba atop the Great Wall at mile 505 in celebration of Cinco de Mayo. Margaritas and bean burritos are served to befuddled visitors who immediately check their MapQuest directions to see if they took a wrong turn.

Little Known Fact #6

I can't think of anything for this one. Move on to Little Known Fact #7.

Little Known Fact #7

1864: Hoping to outdo the Chinese, Stashu Kowalski mapped out plans to erect "The So-So Partition of Poland." Unable to obtain financial backing, Kowalski abandoned his plans and instead ate a sandwich.

Little Known Fact #8

Citing China's extremely low population of illegal Mexicans as a rather convincing example, some Republicans have suggested a similar wall be built in the United States.

Little Known Fact #9

The 1970s marked a decade in which an overwhelming percentage of Chinese citizens signed a petition requesting that the wall be painted neon orange and the ground adjacent to the wall be covered with red shag carpeting. Luckily, the 80s arrived before the plan could be approved and decorating sensibilities returned to the Chinese public.

Little Known Fact #10

A referendum to build The Great Wall of China was defeated ten times before finally passing. Disgruntled Chinese taxpayers known as "tea baggers" engaged in demonstrations, carried posters of the emperor wearing a Hitler mustache, and attempted to prove he was actually born in Africa.

Little Known Fact #11

The Great Wall of China can be seen from outer space. So can your house. In fact satellite technology allows cameras to zoom in on your wife as she has sex in the hot tub with the pool boy. You might want to stop reading this and get your ass home immediately.