A Traveler's Guide to Places I've Never Visited: Washington, D.C

I love to travel. Unfortunately crossing state lines would violate my parole so the only traveling I get to do is to the crapper. But if I was allowed to go somewhere, the first place I'd go is to a strip joint. You were probably thinking I was gonna say Washington, D.C. because of the title of this article, but really, I mean c'mon, you should know me by now. But just for the hell of it, let's pretend I'm not a total perv and I'm not on parole and I'm allowed to go anywhere I want, then maybe-just maybe-I'd go check out Our Nation's Capital. Besides, with all those upstanding members of Congress living there, there's gotta be some pretty damn good tittie bars in Washington.

Anyway, as long as we're pretending, let's pretend I know all about D.C. and I have a bunch of little known facts that I'd like to share with you. If that were true, this is the kind of crap I'd probably want you to know.

Little Known Fact #1

Since it was built in 1880-aside from the years of the Kennedy (1961-1963) and Clinton (1993-2000) administrations-the Washington Monument has held the proud title of "The Capital's Most Visited Erection."

Little Known Fact #2

When the government was taking bids for the original design of the White House, it came down to two of the world's leading architects: Anderson White and Adolph Kropp. As part of the deal, the new building was to be named after the winning architect. That's how close we came to calling the building that serves as home and office to the leader of our country the Kropp House.

Little Known Fact #3

Because the District of Columbia does not belong to any one state, its citizens aren't represented by anyone in the Senate but do have a single Congressional delegate who is not allowed to vote. It's kind of a dream job. You can take naps during all the boring shit because it's not like you're gonna get to vote on anything anyway, plus you get all the perks-like banging the pages and interns. Pretty nice gig, I'd say.

Little Known Fact #4

Little Known Facts 1 and 2 were pure, made up bullshit, but number 3 is pretty much right on the money.

Little Known Fact #5

My editor is gay.

Little Known Fact #6

My editor says I have to "stop dicking around and get [my] goddamn mother-[bleeping] ass back on [bleeping] track, sticking with just the mother-[bleeping] facts about Washington [bleeping] D.C." So for something really educational, go directly to Little Known Fact #7.

Little Known Fact #7

Always a practical joker, Karl Rove convinced former president George W. Bush that the letters "D.C." stood for "Da Capital."

Little Known Fact #8

Tiki Barber is leaving his wife, who is 8-months pregnant with twins, for a sexy, young intern. I know it has nothing to do with Washington, but I just saw it on Yahoo and my mind started to wander a little bit. That intern chick must be one smokin' hot little minx to lure a guy away from his pregnant wife. Gotta see if there are any hot pics of her on the internet yet.

Little Known Fact #9

Hey, listen up. My editor just gave me a dirty look. I'm gonna write some serious shit here just to make it look like I'm really working hard so I can get Mr. Pain-In-The-Ass Editor off my butt. Bear with me.

Washington, D.C. is the 27^th largest city in the Unites States and has an average high temperature of 66.4 degrees. Its demographics are 55.6% Black, 36.3% White, and blah blah blah.

OK, I think we fooled him. Now back to the fun stuff...

Little Known Fact #10

Every Friday night, the 75 female members of the House of Representatives have a big pajama party at Nancy Pelosi's house. They drink wine, strip down to bra and panties, and have a giant pillow fight.

Little Known Fact #11

I have a confession: Little Known Fact #10 isn't completely factual. They don't really drink wine, strip down to bra and panties, and have a pillow fight. They take ecstasy, get completely naked and have a giant lesbian orgy.

I hope you enjoyed this little trip through Our Nation's Capital. As you can see, it is one fascinating place every American should take the time to visit.

I recommend Friday night at the Pelosi house.