A Valentine's Guide for the Romantically Challenged

Valentine's Day is a very difficult time for any member of the male species between 8 and 80. This time can either win you the girl, lead to a fun and exciting night, or just keep you from sleeping outdoors for the rest of your known life. There are very few success stories at this time of year and the only truly memorable ones are those that failed. I am sure that many of us know some of the horror stories that, if successful, would have been great. The guy that put the $5,000 diamond ring in a balloon to propose and the wind whisked it away, or the guy that baked a ring into a cake and it was served to the wrong people, or the guy that baked a necklace in a cake and his girl nearly died when she accidentally ate it all stand out as all time flops for well intended plans. You definitely do not want to be remembered for one of these mistakes. A little careful planning and you can easily avoid the flop and have a great success. Here are some DIY ideas for different ages.

For boys under 13:

This is a great age. No matter if you succeed or not, it will not be held against you. Even if you fail miserably, it will be so sweet that you even tried. The younger the girls, the easier they are to impress. It is only when they get older and have seen it all that they no longer are impressed by simple arts and crafts. The best part of being this age is that you can ask "dear old dad" to help. Fathers are gullible. If you try to make it sound elaborate and like you can't do it alone, he will do almost all the work for you. The idea is really to make something by hand. This can be anything from a poster board card to a carved wooden heart, it can be a drawing or something knitted, as long as you make it (or have your parents "help" you make it). The biggest key at this age (and for years to come) is to make it the biggest and most noticeable thing in the entire school. Girls may say they don't want to be embarrassed like that or they don't want anything big, or they hate that stuff, but deep down they love it. If you really want to make an impression, make something that everyone in the neighborhood will notice. The best way to melt her heart is to make her feel like she got the biggest and best Valentine. Girls are always competitive with each other and love a chance to show that they are better and more desirable. This is why bigger is better, no matter how good it looks. You want her to feel like she is worth more than everyone else. She won't care if it looks like a two year old painted it, as long as it is big and noticeable.

For boys 13 - 18:

I must apologize for this but there is no do-it-yourself anything that you can do at this age. Girls are very materialistic during this period of their lives. You have to get the flowers, candy, or jewelry to make an impression. The only real idea I have is not exactly a right thing to do. One way to save money is to raid the flower garden down the street and harvest a nice bouquet. A nice floral arrangement can impress if large enough and it looks professional. Good luck, though.

For all other ages:

Whether you are married or not, these ideas are a surefire win with the ladies. The real trick to this is knowing what your lady likes and making her feel like you really paid attention to what she was prattling about while the game was on. One word of caution is to really think ahead when planning these ideas. If the balloon guy would have thought about it, he would not have used helium or kept the balloons indoors. You really need to do some forward thinking on any idea. The basics are always at play here. Please see the idea for boys under 13. This still plays true to women of all ages. If you can not afford the balloons, candy, or flowers, see the idea for boys 13-18 (hey, you are never too old to steal flowers, you just have to be more careful to not get caught). You will need to have these delivered to your ladies work. IF you got the flowers on your own, you will need to set them up before anyone shows up to work. If her boss is a guy, he will understand and probably help you at this, if not, you can hire some high school kid to pretend to be a delivery guy for a couple bucks. Remember to make it huge and noticeable. Now on to stage two. Women love it when you spend time on them. This means a nice romantic dinner at home. Whether you can cook or not you need to at least appear as if you can for this night. Order something from a nice restaurant and remember to get something that can be made in your home (most homes don't have a pizza oven, deep fryer, or other specialty cooking devices). Once you get it home, put it into some pans and heat it in the oven, but only slightly. Make sure you ditch the evidence and then take the trash to the dumpster (preferably your neighbors dumpster) so that you are not discovered. If you can cook, this is much easier and honest. Just make sure it something that she enjoys. After this, you are on your own. Everyone likes something different. If she likes the theater, take her to a play. If she likes movies, find one to take her to. Do what she wants to do on this night. If you play your cards right, you will be doing what you really want to do after the night is through.

One word of caution for all ages:

If you really do a great job this year, you might be expected to do better next year. Make it look like you went all out, without going all out.