A Venus Fly-Trap's Guide to Life

1. Don't bite off more than you can chew. This results in half a fly hanging out of your mouth that you just can't do anything about - if you're a venus fly trap, that is, as we don't have fingers.

2. Eat to Live, do not Live to Eat . You sit stationary all day waiting for a fly to sit randomly in your jaws. Kind of illuminates the value of nourishment.

3. Don't judge a book by it's cover. (Furthermore, don't judge a plant by it's jaws.) Seriously, I'm sweet as a rose. But just because I have fangs and a big mouth instead of pretty pink petals, people tend to avoid picking me. And I don't smell as nice. But I have far more personality than a dumbass carnation, if you want my opinion. Why don't people wrap me up in pretty cellophane and give me as birthday and anniversary gifts? I want to know who all the roses are blowing to get that job.

4. Beggers can't be choosers. Again, back to the 'sitting around waiting for the fly' thing. I can't discriminate between fat flies, green flies, moths. I take what I can get. And I have to, or else I'll end up with a piece of a strawberry in my mouth, the inability to spit it out, and a serious grudge on my owner.

5. Be careful that victories do not carry the seed of future defeats . In other words, don't eat a pregnant fly.

6. Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. A true testament to the fact that some people do see it is that my owner has a venus fly trap as a pet. The rest of you, with your cockapoos and labradoodles and schitzretrievers need to branch out. Buy a cactus.

7. A closed mouth gathers no feet. In your terms, this means shut your trap if you don't ever want it to come back to haunt you. If someone gossips to you, trust me, they'll gossip about you. Most people won't think twice about spilling your sacred secret. In my terms, this means I must continue to keep my mouth open like a gaping idiot if I want to survive. Cacti have it so much better.

8. It is never too late to be what you might have been. I might have grown into a big, beautiful thornbush had I not been plucked and potted.

9. To go beyond is as bad as to fall short. Could not be more true. This is why I no longer attack bumblebees.

10. Thy body is an instrument, not an ornament. Somebody forgot to pass that memo onto my cousin, Douglas Fir.