A Wingman's Guide

You know the situation. It's late, really late, almost closing time. You're nine beers deep and the crowd is thinning out. It's just you and your buddy, and your prospects are quickly dimming, disappearing through the door, heading out into the night. But wait. Your buddy spots them first, points them out - two girls at the end of the bar, sucking down Stoli cosmos like there's no tomorrow. They're giggling at nothing in particular and swaying on their bar stools. The barkeep calls "last call," but they're not going anywhere. Your buddy leans over and says, "There's our target," then adds, "I've got the one of the left." Your vision is blurred by the Amstel and those two shots of Southern Comfort that you threw back earlier in the night. You squint. You still can't see, so you pull your glasses from your front shirt pocket and put them on. You catch a good glimpse of the one of the right. You swallow hard. Your eyes tear up. You take off your glasses. You won't need them the rest of the night. Your first thought is to say, "No, no way, not tonight." But you give your buddy a long, hard look and remember what he did for you last weekend. You swallow your pride. You down another shot to further inhibit your sense of sight. You take another good look at the one on the right and think, "Oh boy, what am I doing here tonight?" But you know exactly what you're doing. You're doing your duty. You're living the single life. Tonight you're being the wingman.

It's a fairly simple concept, yet so few men ever really get it right. Being the wingman isn't easy, but no one ever said it would be. It helps to liquor up throughout the night. In fact, the first duty of the wingman is to prepare. That's why the wingman should be designated at the beginning of the night. No one, of course, wants to jump on a grenade, but it's much easier if you've been slamming kamikazes throughout the night.

When is the wingman needed? That's easy; whenever there are two women in sight. Your buddy, the gunman, gets the one he wants. You get the leftovers. In other words, as in our little example above, you get the one on the right. It doesn't matter how loud or obnoxious she is or what she looks like. A good wingman knows his duties and understands how to navigate through the single life. He doesn't go around spouting dating advice. He just goes out with the gunman and hopes for the best, but he's always prepared for the worst.

Being the wingman means being affable and witty. Being the wingman sometimes requires striking up a conversation with one of the most undesirable women you've ever seen. Being the wingman requires tact. It requires flirting. It may even lead to more, depending on how far you're willing to go for your buddy.The wingman never ever abandons his gunman. As long as the gunman is making progress with his target, the wingman stays at his side, even if it means staying around until breakfast the next morning.

The ideal wingman is decent looking, but not good looking enough to steal the show. He's funny, but not so funny that he'll have the gunman's target in stitches before the gunman has a chance to seal the deal. The ideal wingman is a drinker, but he never gets so drunk that he won't be able to function late into the night. The ideal wingman is as loyal as a puppy dog.

The wingman can't be afraid of a little friendly fire. He may very well be taunted for the next couple of weeks, and he had better be a good sport about it. The positions of wingman and gunman are interchangeable, and the wingman can take refuge in the fact that his friend will do the duty for him on some other night.

Being the wingman is vital to the single life, as vital as the baseball player who is willing to bunt a man over or hit a sacrifice fly. As vital as the ballplayer who is willing to be hit by a 90-mph fastball when the bases are loaded and the team is one run down in the bottom of the ninth. The wingman is all things. But simply put: the wingman is the man.

Resources:
urbandictionary.com
washingtonpost.com