A Woman's Guide on How to Act at an Ex-Lover's Funeral

When an ex-lover and friend passes away, a woman generally feels a pull in two different directions. On one hand, she truly wishes to express her sympathy to the family and to attend that individual's funeral service out of sheer respect. On the other hand, that torrid episode that occurred between herself and the deceased makes the situation a bit awkward, at best. Because the ceremony will likely be attended by former connections who were affiliated with the two of you when you were together, the rules of etiquette in such a scenario are drastically altered. Before you pay your final respects to an individual with whom you share a little more than a platonic history, take a glance at the following guide on how a sophisticated women must behave at an ex-lover's funeral.

Rule #1: Keep in mind that once the ex, always the ex. Even if decades have passed since you shared a bedroom with the deceased, you can rest assured that everyone in the funeral chapel will associate you with a long list of former flames. Whether you managed to remain friends or not after the romance ended is irrelevant. Before going any further in this quick tutorial, try to keep that on the forefront of your mind. Never assume that no one will remember or that the fact that you both shared a deep interest in one another will be of no importance. How you behave will mark your reputation.

Rule #2: Dress professionally. Ok, so you are aware that stilettos and a low cut sheer blouse are out of the question. Even so, an ex-lover's funeral is no place for form fitting attire or anything that says "I'm trying to look hot without looking hot." Keep the silk dresses in the closet and find something with a bit more substance. As a general rule, if you would wear it to a meeting with your most important and respected client at work, it's likely appropriate for this occasion.

Rule #3: Funeral home seating is based upon importance, so sit in the back. Unless you share children together, your place at an ex-lover's funeral is within the back five rows. The first rows are reserved for family, the next rows after that are traditionally reserved for those invited to sit near the family, and after that those who feel they should have been invited to sit close to the family but were not are left to find their place as close to the front as possible. You are below every single aforementioned category, as far as the family will be concerned. Even if you are still well liked by those affiliated with your deceased lover, it's best to remain in the back rows out of respect.

Rule #4: Stand in the back at graveside. This is merely a continuation of Rule #3. It's easy to get caught up in a random spot at a graveside service when crowding around to view the speaker. In doing so, you may make your appearance far too noticeable. Purposely wait until most of the other attendees have surrounded the service area, and deliberately stand out of the way of those trying to look on. It's not that you should feel any shame, but blocking the view of a family member or close platonic friend will most certainly make you appear to feel entitled (a tremendous taboo for an ex-lover).

Rule #5: Make a quiet entrance and exit. Your ex-lover's funeral is likely to be sprinkled with individuals with whom you are connected with only due to the romance. No matter how much his sister loved you or how long it's been since you've seen that mutual friend, try to keep your enthusiasm at a minimum. Do not go out of your way to speak to old acquaintances who are connected with you solely through your romance with the deceased. If they come to you, that's fine, but do not initiate conversations inappropriately. If your ex-lover's wife is present, making conversation with her in-laws and her husband's friends to recall old times involving you and her husband would be more than outrageous. The same rule applies if your ex-lover's children are present (unless they are your own).

Rule #6: Decline any invitation to speak. This goes without saying. No matter how much more his mother loves you than she ever cared for his widow, respectfully decline any invitations to speak about your recollections of the deceased. If you were together long enough and were friend long before or after the romance, the suggestion may be made. Be prepared to gracefully refuse.

Rule #7: Decline any invitations to post funeral events. Many families hold dinners and get-togethers after funerals for the sake of comforting and reconnecting. You may be invited, which would be a gracious gesture, but rest assured that it is your duty to decline. A gracious gesture is just that...a gesture. Your responsibility as a lady is to know when to leave.

Of course, the above "rules" are merely guidelines. You must use your own personal judgment to decide which are applicable to your unique situation and which are not necessary. However, if one of the aforementioned rules made you think twice about something you were considering doing at your ex-lover's funeral, there's a reason. Keep these suggestions in mind if you wish to uphold an air of sophistication and respect.