A Woman's Guide to Dealing with Your Boyfriend's Neurotic Ex

How do some people survive divorce? Especially when it's not yours, but your significant other's? Oh, I've laughed, I've cried, I've gotten so frustrated I thought I'd pull all my hair out (and my scalp off), I've gotten close to a nervous breakdown, gotten so mad I thought my head would explode, and wanted to punch her out.

Think that's funny? Well, wait until you experience it. I've heard that some divorces end on civil terms, I wish. If Metta Bhavana (an ancient Chinese meditation) develops 'loving kindness,' then what develops 'evil cruelness?' No, I really want to know because I think my 'problem ex' (let's call her Pex for a time saver) has been studying that one for many years. Speaking of Metta Bhavana, you might think of looking it up, the technique is very easy and you'll need some peace in these trying times. Heck, look all the Chinese meditations up, they're very useful.

So, after three years of bliss and hell, I've finally hit a calm spot and gathered some tips for other women. So here are ten golden rules when dealing with a neurotic ex.

Tip # 1: Never Deal with Problem Ex Anymore Than You Have To

This rule is especially useful when your boyfriend (like mine) was the one to file for the divorce in the first place. The negative energy and resentment are enough to knock you off your feet. If you think this Pex is going to be amicable, you're dead wrong. They're going to hate your butt from the beginning even after they've so called 'moved on' and gotten a boyfriend of their own. My Pex still can't send a civil word my way after a year with a new man.

Besides, talking to your Pex only leads to arguments, and do you really want to hear that? Every time my Pex used to call, she would either have no set reason other than to argue, or after she got through her main point she would go off on a tangent on how miserable we all are. Spare yourself the headaches and the gag reflexes, just don't bother, it never gets better.

Tip #2: Don't Play Games, Hold Up Your End of The Bargain

If there are kids involved the worst thing you can do is get caught up in petty squabbling. Don't use an argument as an excuse to pick up a child late for your visitation or to not pick them up at all. It only leads to more frustration and only the children really suffer.

Whether on purpose or on accident, any time my boyfriend and I would pick up a child one minute late for visitation, the Pex would show up three to five minutes late when visitation was over (must have added pain and suffering). This stupid game only leads to frustration on the child's part, and yours. It's not worth it. If the Pex continues to play games, don't play along. Do what you're supposed to do, take the high road, there's nothing you can do about the Pex's behavior, but you can be a dependable force in the child's life.

Tip #3: Ignore

For the past several months, this has worked very well for me. When we allowed it, the Pex would call all the time, almost every day, to complain about or try to change something. Now we have an ingenious little thing called a 'communication log.' Basically, a notebook the child takes back and forth between homes for visitation. Any problems or concerns can be written in the log for the other parent.

Wonderful little thing, may sound silly, but try it anyways. Now the Pex never calls and she barely writes any messages in the log either. Now we don't have to listen to petty arguments, she knows the child will read the messages, so all concerns are worded nicely. Love it!

Tip #4: Badmouth All You Want in Private, Never in Front of The Kids

Oh yes, I'm guilty of it too, we all have our favorite nicknames for the troublesome Pex. When something goes wrong, we're all guilty of swearing up a storm and talking at length of how we'd like to hurt someone.

Never degrade a parent in front of kids, no matter what, they are still the child's parent and nothing can ever change that, no matter what bad stuff the Pex may pull. I used to have a problem with this one, my Pex talks in front of everyone how horrible we are, and then we have problems when the child visits. If the child hears this a lot, it can lead to resentment and even belief. Our Pex used to always say how my boyfriend was a liar, so the child refused to listen to us, "Mom's always right." Yeah, right.

Tip #5: Don't Start a Fight, It Only Leads To WAR

Yes, I'm guilty of this one too, when the Pex has got you so mad you yell back. Uh-oh, big mistake. I inadvertently broke this rule at the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend. Back then the Pex was talking to him reasonably and so started accusing me of harassing her at work, trying to get us to break up. Stupid clod almost believed her too.

Never push the Pex's buttons at the beginning of your relationship, the Pex will sure as heck try to butt you out of the picture (although they may do that anyways) and it will only lead to more arguing and headaches. Save yourself the trouble, don't stoop to their level.

Tip #6: Don't Fall For Friendliness

Follow this tip especially when your Pex has been a problem from the start. It either means they want something, or they're going to pull something behind your back. In my case, the Pex being friendly usually means she wants us to change the visitation so we have the child more and she gets more time off.

Also beware silence. Silence with my Pex usually means she's thinking of dragging my boyfriend back to court for some small grievance, usually a waste of time if she would just discuss it with us first. Keep your guard up when the Pex is friendly; be ready for anything, even a knife in the back.

Tip #7 Bite Your Tongue and Let it Slide, Have Fun

This may seem impossible, but it's not. When the Pex fires insults at you, don't fire back. It's not worth it; it takes to much time and energy to keep fighting with someone when you could be spending that time having fun. No one wants to crawl on their bellies the rest of their lives like all the malicious Pex's in the world. Not letting it get to you is the only way to stay sane.

Have fun, after the worst is over and you look back, you'll realize how stupid the stuff really was. I still laugh at some of the dumb stunts that were pulled at the beginning of this adventure. At least you'll know you weren't that stupid during this time.

Tip #8: Pick Your Battles, Nothing is Equal

Things are never equal, what's good enough for your Pex, is never good for you to do. They can take off all the time and skip visitations, but if you try it, you're going back to court.

My Pex has dragged my boyfriend back to court so many times for the youngest child; I thought I would end up living at the court house. The end result, we have a set schedule for visitation, she hasn't seen the oldest child for a year now. And who suffers?

Equality is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

Tip #9 Know That Any New Guy Coming Into Your Pex's Life is Going To Be An Idiot

This is because they only hear her side of things, and you know that's a load of bull. I have to see my Pex and her boyfriend every month for a meeting, coming into one I heard him talking to the child's teacher. He was saying that he didn't know why I even bothered going to the meetings since he was more in the child's life that I was.

Hello! I was there three years and I'm still here, he's been around maybe a year. Kiss my butt.

Tip #10: Do It For The Kids

When the anger was fresh and the Pex was badmouthing every day, my boyfriend and I had major behavior problems with the youngest child, he believed everything his mother said. In sticking with the plans and doing what we always promised, we finally have peace during visitations. That alone is a small victory, but it's enough to make it worth while.

Final Thoughts

Unfortunately when kids are involved, especially young ones, you'll be forced to deal with your Pex for many years. There are ways to make it bearable, but it will never be a perfect world. Learn to make the best of what you have. As long as you keep doing what you're supposed to, things will eventually go smoother.

When all else fails, know that the kids will look back on all this and say, "My dad and his girlfriend/wife were really great, they helped me through that time in my life. But boy was Mom an idiot."