A Woman's Guide to Men, Part II: Everything Else

I had originally intended A Woman's Guide to Men to be a series of long articles in which I would help you ladies out there understand what the hell men are thinking. I had envisioned writing numerous pieces uncovering the mysteries of the American male. But when you get down to it, there isn't much mystery to men at all because there is only one thing we really think much about. I'll give you a hint: It rhymes with "plucking faginas."

In A Woman's Guide to Men, Part I: Male Sexuality, I told you all about the ins-and-outs of what makes men tick in the sack. Since that covers about 99% of what we men are all about, I decided I could wrap up the rest in just one small article. So here in the second and final chapter of A Woman's Guide to Men, I will tell you about all the other things that make you wonder what the hell is wrong with the idiot you love. After reading this, don't be surprised if you have a sudden urge to invite one of your girlfriends over for several bottles of wine and possibly a little bi-curious chick action.

He likes to be in the company of men

Many men like to get together with their buddies and hang out. They golf, they hunt, they fish, they drink, they belch, they fart and they go on weekend trips to Vegas. I'm not one of those guys. I have always much preferred being in the company of women than engaging in dumbass macho crap with a bunch of men. I figured out a long time ago that my chances of getting laid improve exponentially when females are around.

The "guys hanging out with guys" phenomenon has led to extensive studies by some of the world's leading psychoanalysts and these studies have revealed that men who like to spend a lot of time with other men are probably harboring latent homosexual desires. Don't worry-few guys actually act on it. But if your hubby is always going out with the guys, you may want to check his CD collection for Bette Midler and Liza Minnelli just to make sure.

He's a slob

Many of you ladies get frustrated because your man leaves his smelly socks on the floor, doesn't put his plate and silverware in the dishwasher and pisses all over the toilet seat. This is because men are still not fully evolved from the Neanderthal stage and are therefore complete slobs-unless they happen to be gay. Sure, the idea of living with a man who is neat and clean and loves to shop and loves to see musicals sounds appealing, but you probably also want him to be hetero. So, the next time you sit your fanny on a wet toilet seat, you may want to strangle the stupid bastard, but rest assured that your man has never gone to the dark side.

He's living in a fantasy world

Men are just frustrated athletes. Your guy probably thinks that, if not for that old high school football injury, he too could be making millions of dollars and banging hot chicks-just like that lucky bastard Tom Brady. Instead, you're married to a guy with a beer belly who can barely waddle to the bathroom without wheezing and coughing up phlegm. But every fall, your dear hubby escapes from his miserable existence by playing an abomination called fantasy football. And he is consumed by it. He insists it is absolutely necessary to purchase the NFL TV package so that he can watch every goddamn football game and keep up on the exploits of the players he "owns." He is making trades with other owners and he is reading magazines and watching TV shows devoted to giving your brainless man and others like him all the latest news on injuries, etc. And while he's doing all that, you are cooking, cleaning, raising the kids and washing the shit stains out of his underwear. Unfair? Of course it is. But don't blame him. It's all that lucky bastard Tom Brady's fault.

He loves the thrill of the kill

A lot of guys like to hunt. This, of course, goes way back to the beginning of time when cavemen were hunters and cavewomen were gatherers. As the hunter, it was the responsibility of the man to kill animals for food, bring them home, then sit back, have a few beers, and fall asleep in front of the TV while watching ESPN. As the gatherer, the woman did everything else-cooking, cleaning, raising the kids and washing the shit stains out of his loincloth. Despite millions of years of evolution, the only difference between then and now is that men no longer have to kill animals-they just do it because it fulfills deep-seeded primitive instincts. So next time Grog is decked out in his ridiculous camouflage outfit in preparation of shooting defenseless animals, remember he is just doing what comes natural to all men-engaging in useless activities.

He's crude and disgusting

Your man likes to swear and fart and belch and spit and scratch his balls and tell dirty jokes and then laugh about it-especially when he's had too much to drink. You don't mind too much that he does it when he's with his dumb shit buddies, but he also acts like that in front of your friends and family. You find it disgusting and you are constantly lecturing him on it, but even as you do, he continues to tell you to pull his finger. Why does he act like that? He's probably an asshole. What can you do about it? Nothing.

He's actually very sensitive

Despite all of his faults, your man is really nothing more than an insecure puppy. He puts on an act of being a tough, macho, thoughtless prick because that is what is expected of him. But he'd really prefer to curl up in a fetal position and suck his thumb while you softly sing him a lullaby-preferably while you are dressed in black leather and flogging him with a whip. So be patient with the dipshit because he's really an emotional mess.

But let me give you this final warning: If you are expecting him to change, don't waste your time. It ain't gonna happen. He is defective-he's a man. If you can't accept that, you might as well invite your girlfriend over for several bottles of wine and possibly a little bi-curious chick action.

Oh, and invite me too.